Do you unintentionally push people away? A cautionary tale about being unique in a beige world
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Learn from my mistakes children...
Why do we push people away when it is an inherent desire to be wanted and loved? Some of us don’t even realize we are doing it until we look back on the parade of individuals, some good, some bad, walking through our past. It is a shockingly hurtful sight to some and they continue to add characters to their line but for me, on this day, it is a lesson I need to learn fast.
I have always tried to be the honest sort, the kind that likes to give everyone a proper "heads-up" just in case something unusual may happen but many times, this has just turned into a disaster of dramatic and semi-hysterical proportions that works to drive love away from me. I forget to consider that I may be the only one who cares in certain situations and the "warning" may be viewed as just unneeded, confusing baggage thrust on someone who is possibly trying to disengage from an experience they really wish they had never had in the first place. Even thinking that dooms me because I have already decided that I am “less than” and deserving of desertion. In trying to be nice and offering an explanation for my behavior, whether it was asked for or not, I set disappointment in motion because no one can measure up to my high expectations. I expect things from people but don’t voice what these expectations are and when they aren’t met? Viola…an excuse to be angry and beat myself up for getting into a rotten relationship or for trusting anyone at all with my heart; a pure recipe for failure.
I suppose the answer would be to stop being so damn nice? How about being just marginally nice and all normal-beige? On the outside that is what I appear to be but on the inside my head took a different road long ago so I do apologize to anyone I have freaked out of late. If you really want "beige" then I am sure there is a whole gaggle of happy little agreeable dolls that never emote or cause embarrassment...check eBay or Craigslist or… any local church!
I have never liked the color beige and can’t fathom acting all wholesome-like...but I should stop pushing people away. Here are some tips to avoid my fate:
1. Seriously learn to love yourself. Write out the crazy things you love, hate, feel annoyed by and be honest about the things you do that others love, hate and get annoyed by! Once you figure those things out stop doing the annoying shit.
2. When someone says they like, love, respect, enjoy you...accept it! If you act like you don't deserve praise and love over and over people will take you seriously and leave. No one wants to invest time in a self-loather. You deserve love and good people deserve to be in your glorious presence! Let them in and believe the compliments they offer dumb-ass.
3. Stop waiting for people to disappoint you. Accept that some people will hurt you but also… many will not, that is life but if you let fear keep you from trying to see the good in people then you will miss out on some real gems!
4. Stop the "negative-brain dialogue" about how nothing good will happen and how all people are the same. If you tell yourself that only losers will like you then it is the losers that will come your way! They can hear your negative thoughts and will descend upon you like thirsty vampires. STOP IT NOW because being with a soul-sucker is no fun!
5. Act attractive and you will attract positive people....smile damn you!
“I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. Will I ever
learn to do the things I should?”
There are times that I regret being me and think about secluding myself from respectable society because of my Alice in Wonderland approach to solid relationship advice. That is an exaggeration for dramatic effect of course but I do often wonder why some people are cursed with minds that always think about mountain-high "what ifs" and why some people are destined to go over-board and assume a depth of feeling in others that just doesn't exist while missing out on those with a real capacity for love. I'm sure that I am not the only one that feels this way and writing this out does help clear it from my thoughts but it is still a damn shame that I cannot sit and just "be" without worrying about how others perceive me or how I may be affecting them. There is a good reason why I typically keep people at arm’s length and hide behind self-deprecating humor and sarcasm. I rarely run into people I deem worthy of giving a private viewing of the inner workings of my mind and the last one I thought was worthy I married…note the “I thought” part but we won’t get into that right now. Maybe later, if you still want to have anything to do with me! I will understand if you don’t…I ALWAYS understand because given the ability to switch places, I’d probably haul-ass myself.
So, back to the reason I drive people away. I feel entirely too deeply and care too much about others too fast so in the end what I give is never equal to what I receive. It's something that I view as a failing because I look around and see others engaging in what I think are simple human connections, interactions without worries about whether something was said or done to offend or whether their personality was just too intense to handle. Man, being human sucks massively but it won’t stop me. I will go on and on, riding this merry-go-round of unintentional insult and misunderstanding because it gives me something to write about and that is what makes me tick, it is what keeps me young and alive. When a relationship is new it is all fun and games and you feel ageless but when a shit storm starts brewing the weight of countless age’s hits like every old-age mental and physical calamity known to man, all wound up in a big Bengay scented ball! That realization freaks people out because when your "insides" age the outside follows suit quickly leaving you no choice but to hang it up and shuffle into a musty grave, alone! Boo hoo…
Knowing how to figure out my kind isn’t hard if you always assume that a vast percentage of what is said while laughing is the truth and that which is uttered or written in a serious tone is never as bad as it is made out to be. Dramatic effect...remember? This is what is known as an “escape clause” because creatures like me automatically assume that people will eventually want to run. So, to anyone I have pushed away or will push away in the future, be free and thanks for the material I suppose. I’d rather have a real relationship but since that seems unlikely I will dedicate my next book to you. Just giving you a heads-up!
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We push away those we love the most because we want validation badly.
I have taken a vacation from writing but am back now to respond. First, thank you Michelle. This was meant to be more tongue-in-cheek than "woe is me" and I was not only speaking about myself but also about those who have pushed me away.
Honestjoey, "honestly", pushing people away never validates anything other than loneliness. Although, you are correct in that some, with utterly skewed thinking, believe that in order to be awarded love they have to suffer, hence...all the pushing. It's a counterproductive cycle but some swear by it!
i dont get it. im the person who pushes people away. its like everytime i seem to find someone who i care about i do it. im insecure about alot of stuff but isnt that exspected from being a human. i make mistakes. im not a perfect person. i just dont get why people you love dont seem to care about you as much as you do for them. all the little things matter to me. idk life is one fucked up trip and i dont think i can live it anymore.
John, hold up, are you saying you are going to off yourself? Stop and think for a second...life is only f'd up when WE allow it to be. Insecure people draw messed-up people to them which is why, deep down, you know things ain't right...thus the pushing away. You want a connection, yet the "options" available to you are flawed and disappointing so you'd rather push them away first before they decide to push you out the door. Nothing worse than getting rejected by a dud when in your heart you know you deserve so much more and would NEVER have been in a relationship with them in the first place if you felt better about yourself!
My heartfelt and sincere advise to you John, is get right with yourself before you bring anyone one else into your life. Care for yourself first and the rest will fall in place. Since I worked in suicide prevention I would be remiss if I didn’t include the number for the National Hopeline Network -1-800-784-2433.
Life does matter and it is, in no way, a "little" thing when a decision has been made to step out of the game because they haven't figured out that they really are the team captain and not "just" a player.
Elleasku: What a positive hub! I love it, thank-you for publishing this.
Oh goodness, you have written about me there, which is v. sad as i have know idea how to change all these behaviours i have had for over 30 years. what a waste of a life.
@tpl: Hope is not lost. Change begins when we recognize the things we do that no longer work for us. The first step is always recognition and no life is ever a waste when there is still time to live. Take out the "trash" in your life, so to speak, and I guarantee things will start to smell a hell of a lot better!
It took being able to poke fun at myself in a forum like this and a much needed divorce to get my life back on track so it is possible.
Sitting here behind my wall, on the verge of yet another break up, I found your site. You have great advice and I need to take, but it is hard to break a pattern that you have had since your teen years (now in my 40's). I met a guy who loves me to death, almost to the point of smothering, so I am pushing him away, shoving actually! But he keeps coming back for more. Now I view that as a sign of his weakness? I have had to do things for myself my whole life out to survive, so it is hard to let people in. I feel emotionally detached to everyone except my son. Wish I knew how to start to knocking down the wall but fear it is to late in life for me to start.
@strike3: Life is lonely behind the wall and the more we stay guarded the harder it is to trust, the harder it is to love and the harder it is to attract men who are supportive and willing to let us grow as individuals rather than attempting to love us "to death." I picked that particular phrase out of your response because it tells me that the man you are pushing away may either be too needy or very well aware that you are hurting and just waiting for the moment you break down and say, "Oh, all right..." That was my 16 year marriage in a nut shell. I knew he wasn't right but was too scared to try for better and confused smothering for love rather than the agent of insecure control that it was.
I pushed everyone away because I thought I deserved "less than" until one day I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the person staring back at me. I saw a frightened woman who would soon be 40, living a life that made her miserable, surrounded by people she did not respect and who, in return, treated her as if she did not matter. I was unhappy and attracted unhappy, self centered people like moths to a flame.
The fact that you recognize you are guarded, living behind a wall of fear shows me that your day of reckoning may be coming as well. Reconnect with your emotions and concentrate on feeling great about who you are and your son will notice and be proud of you. Most importantly, once you regain a love for yourself you will attract like-minded people, people who fit better with you and just let you be who you are while loving you at the same time.
The answer comes when you decide what you won't put up with anymore. It isn't easy and doesn't change overnight but as long as you are still breathing you have a shot so take it!
it's like your me, but older.
i am like in shock.
Jessicaa: The point of the hub was directed exactly at people like you! Yes, I very well may be you but OLDER but I am a hell of a lot WISER. Take the pointers to heart NOW so you can direct your life the way you want it to go rather than allowing interlopers to come in and distort your view and obscure your path in life.
Be the young me dammit!!! I am doing just that right now myself. I may be 40 but I look hot, I have my wits about me and I have excellent credit. These were all things I didn't have at 20 so hurray for me! I am holding a mirror up to you…change what you see coming.
This is really good advice, but I don't know how to follow it, because I don't know how to stop my irrational "need to escape". I have literally moved to another country to "escape". I know the source of my overwhelming fear, but I feel it is impossible to resolve. Let me explain: many many unspeakable things happened to me in my childhood, most by my own family, and my main perpetrator died before we could reach any resolution. Although he hurt me greatly, I always loved him. He was my brother. And losing him was more painful then anything he ever did to me. I suffer from MDD and complex PTSD, and every time I try to go to therapy lately I just shut down. I usually become so upset that I don't even make it to the appointment. This is not to say I have never seen therapists. I have seen many since I was six years old. But they all tell me at some point that they are unsure of how to help me, and they refer me to someone "more qualified". I worry that the underlying issue can never be resolved because the source is gone. But I'm only 18, I just want a chance to have a life. I don't want to run away anymore, but I can't seem to turn off my irrational emotions. I feel so hopeless.
Hopeless, the "source" of your pain is not gone. It lives on in your daily thoughts and nightly dreams apparently. One of your tormentors may have passed away but the feelings and pain associated with those traumatic events remain unchanged. There is no written rule that says one must directly face their tormentor in order to obtain healing and even if you had there is no guarantee that "healing" would have been what you received.
As a victim of abuse myself, I learned the hard way that your memories of what happened are never the same as those of the person who caused you pain. That doesn't mean it never happened or that you remembered it incorrectly but, it usually does mean that the relief/acknowledgement/apology that you seek from them probably wouldn’t have come or have even really helped.
You do have the power to help yourself but only when you acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, the thing you are trying to escape most isn't the memories of harm done to you but the guilt that you may feel for loving those who hurt you. Just because you loved your brother and he abused you anyway is not an indication of your worth. You did not cause what happened to you. It took me over 20 years to realize that I had to start living “for” myself rather than “in spite of” what others had done to me. Do not let the acts of others define how you live your life NOW.
I will be hoping for a positive outcome for you. It can be done!
"I feel entirely too deeply and care too much about others too fast so in the end what I give is never equal to what I receive."
Nice to know that I'm not in this club alone. The curse of those who are "highly sensitive" or empathetic. My problem is that this can be very uncomfortable for others, who are not accustomed to those who are extremely intuitive and feeling. In fact, I think this is probably one of the reasons I avoid others -- I'm never sure how people take this. But, I suppose it's very possible that I'm making much more of an issue out of this than anyone else. Certainly something to consider.
Thanks for the inspiration. :)
@Pietro: Those who are uncomfortable with you are those who are afraid to feel. Remember that and never worry about how people are supposed to take you. They either do or they don't and neither is bad.
People like us over-think every word, every facial expression, every silence even, to the point where it can drive us mad! Repeat after me, "It is never as bad as I imagine it to be." We are our own worst ememies but never stop feeling, empathizing or being sensitive to the needs of others...you are living a higher life and clarity will come.
Wow! And all this time I felt I was alone in feeling this way. Not that I find comfort in all of your stories, they are very open and honest as to how you are feeling and I can certainly relate. I like your reasoning in each of the stories, a "take it for what it is, whatever that is? approach." I believe we do have to stand fast and be realistic with ourselves as well as others. "Take charge, so to speak, of ourselves." I am always trying to help other people with whatever problems they have but no-one is really there for me when I need them. I give off the impression, I suppose, that I am strong and in need of no-one or nothing. Huh, not true, why do I do this? It's not that I feel better, I guess I have always had to fend for myself at such a young age that to "ask" anyone for anything is like a million dollars to me, it's hard. I am in not such a good marriage, he's a great guy but just not for me. He's in love with his work... I guess that's one of the reasons I'm still with him, he doesn't smother me. Still I"d like nothing more that have a loving relationship with someone.
@Lorraine: Here is what I have learned from my newly realized "take it for what it is" approach to life...when I let go and just let it "be" then I can feel comfortable just "being" as well. Not sure that makes sense but when I stopped worrying so much about what I wasn't getting from my relationships and took charge of seeking out what I needed for myself, and myself alone, I found peace.
Never stop helping others but also understand that even the strong (and those that pretend) need a helping hand. When a seemingly strong person reaches out for help they are often very surprised by the response from those asked and if you don't ask you will never experience the basic human interaction necessary for personal growth. To do that you are connecting with others in a profound manner, you are showing them humanity in its purest form and it is healing.
When I started allowing others to see my vulnerable side I drew better people to me and they in turn taught me that I had a right to live again. Clarity grows from within...
Well, I stopped by here on account that I reflected on myself for a while and realized that I had a ride to solitude thing going on in my life and wondered if whether there was something medically wrong with me. But I realized this article had almost nothing to do with what I came here for. However, I just saw I wasn't the only one that did this kind of thing with avoiding people. I would like to thank you on sharing your experience, and when I read your tips on avoiding your fate, it was already a checklist of things I am already doing, excluding number 3, I often have trouble with seeing the good in people and that is something I'll keep with me, Thanks for that tip. And I couldn't agree more with smiling for people and accepting yourself and people will accept you. The idea of self empowerment is a great way of standing out. You are absolutely right about all those things because I experienced what all that feels. Those tips are 100% effective and they are highly recommendable and especially with thinking that you are the best, no one wins anything with modesty. And again thank you.
Cheers!
Raul, you are very welcome and I enjoyed your comment very much. As I go further in life I realize that others accepting me means very little compared to the peace I feel when I gradually grow to accept myself, flaws and all.
Keep smiling...it makes people wonder what in the hell you are up to! All part of having a joy-filled life I say.
This article sounds VERY much like my ex-girlfriend..I still love her to death, and in the beginning she love me too I believe..but only after 3 months she started looking for faults in me, seeking proof that I was unfaithful etc, even though I was head over heels in love with her and wouldn't even have the remotest thought of being with someone else. There just was no way to make her truly happy, and she never accepted me saying "I love you" and that I love her for HER. Also she said exactly what many people have said here, that she felt SHE gave more than she recieved from me....although nothing could be more wrong, I gave her all I got and I would still do it. Afterwards I have done some research, and I suspect that she suffers from AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT DISORDER...it just fits the symptoms, with her having a fairly abusive background, and it rings a bell when reading all these posts, google it and you see what I mean /just my two cents
@man-37, I am sorry that you had such a rough experience with your ex and it speaks volumes that you cared enough to even research possible reasons for her behavior. Although, I agree that a level of ambivalence can be brought on by past abuse I also feel that in many cases those who suffer abuse early on in life and then, subsequently get treated poorly again in other relationships, just feel the need to close-off out of self-preservation. It's never anything personal against the individual they are with it is just an unfortunate pairing. Seeking professional help truly does work wonders.
My article was meant to be a warning because there are those that absolutely do react much like your ex did. I, on the other hand stayed committed for many years, long after it became clear that the person I was with only picked me because he knew I was hurting and could easily add more on top without me noticing...I finally woke up! You sound like you got caught in the cross-fire in your relationship as an innocent by-stander while I was targeted because of my past issues. Each situation is different and cannot be lumped into one diagnosis.
I just broke up with somebody today and I was so upset that I started searching for answers about why this looks like a pattern. Why when from the beginning of this relationship I've been trying not to get insecure and act irrational and drive him away, I finally could not control it and said really hurtful things to make sure the split was final. It just hurts so badly to keep doing this to myself again and again and again. Why I keep denying myself the love and comfort that people are willingly giving me. I feel I'm lost in my own abyss of faults and mess up which I can't pull myself out of. I read your words. What you wrote about yourself is an echo of me. I hear the advice you've given in the article and the forum, but the words are not sinking in. I don't know how to change myself. How to get rid of my insecurities and stop poking fun at my own expense and elevate my opinion about myself. I know I'm talented, I have a lot to offer anybody with who I spend my life, but I don't know everytime I meet someone special, I block up and this huge wall of insecurities, fears and list of things I've done and the other doesn't match up, start building up. And before I can control it, the wall crashes down on me!
@echoes: It took me nearly 20 years to stop acting out the same self-defeating patterns over and over. My wake-up call came when I was finally brave enough to sit in front of a therapist, spilling my guts, only to have my ass handed back to me after it got a swift and much deserved kicking! I was told to look within, stop beating myself up, stop pushing people away and to start loving myself, flaws and all. And...to stop blaming others for my misery. We ALL do this whether we admit it or not by the way.
When the negative inner dialogue erupts into your relationship and is spewed forth in the direction of someone that is trying hard to understand what in the hell you mean of course it will make them run for the hills! You push love away because maybe you don't feel you deserve it? Who said you didn't and why do you believe them? I asked myself those questions many times over the years and came to the conclusion that the best relationship I can be in is one with myself first: In other words-get right in your head before you drag another person into the mix!
Insecurities and fears can be overcome but you have to get off your ass and do something about them! Your life is important, you are important so, my best, heartfelt advice is to be honest about what is going on inside of you and then decided which demons you want to do battle with first.
You CAN control the direction you go in life, most certainly, and have the power to create change...SO USE IT!
iv just broken down in tears reading all these messages, i came on the net today with the question "why do i push people away" and this is what i found. im crying for so many reasons right now. im relieved im not alone, i thought i was messed up and couldnt be fixed. but im devasted i have read all this too late. i have always pushed boyfriends away. ad knowing this i took my time with the last guy, over the past 3 years i have slowly gained the trust of a boy friend, opening up and telling him i push people away which is why i never wanted to date again, telling him i dont like compliments... i do, i just dont beleive them, telling him when he is really nice, i feel i am not worthy of him, i opened up more than i have ever before, because we started to fall for each other and this time, this time i really didnt want to push him away. we got together properly a year ago, and now iv pushed him away anyway. in the last few weeks/months i have been looking for problems that are not there, telling myself he doesnt fancy me so much because we have sex less often (we have both recently started new jobs with long hours and different shifts... we are just tired! or i get shy because i hate my body or think i cant please him) i have been telling myself all sorts of reasons why we cant be together, not just sexual problems. then i ended it. yet, for once, this guy, i know is soooo perfect. i have never been treated so well, he is patient with me, and tries to be understanding of my insecurities, and i know he loves me. he is besotted with me. instead, i run off with the next guy who makes me smile and try to start all over again. yet inside now, i know even with this new man, if we work, i will b happy, but never for ever. i just do this over and over again. i read what you say, maybe i need to love myself more, and i read that realising i push people away is a good first step, but i still feel lost as to how to change. please help me. sometimes i feel like i should give up trying to be happy in a relationship, i have lots of friends and can be happy with out. i have even thought maybe im gay because i push men away, but deep down i know im not at all. i just look for a reason, an explanation.
Debbie,
Please, please, please stop beating yourself up! When we look for problems/faults/issues/complaints in a relationship rather than being grateful for the good things it is usually the negative that outweighs not only the good but also our better judgment. Look at yourself in the mirror and yell, "Stop it!" right this minute! We often confuse what we want with what we really need and the two are rarely the same. Needs are met in simple ways...wants are sometimes fantasies that cannot be fulfilled.
Do you push people away because you feel you are unlovable or a fraud or is it just because you fear being hurt? My suggestion would be to find a trusted, impartial person, with whom you can lay all your fears on the table with and see if you can get to the root cause of your inner insecurity. This can be family, clergy, friends or even the dreaded therapist. It is worth it and until you can identify why you react the way you do then you will never be able to change what isn't working in your life. You, making a comment here is a good first step so please take it further. Invest in yourself please!!! Accepting yourself, flaws and all, will help tremendously. I had to do that myself in order to let go of past hurts so I could move forward. Do it for yourself and know that I am rooting for you!
Im in my first real relationship with someone i love and he is realizing that i have this problem of pushing him away. You have honestly helped me out tremendously and i hope that with your simple guidance and understanding i can help myself to be a better more open person. Thank you
i've been going through alot and i came across this blog. I'm only 18, but i've been through alot in my life. i dont have a father and i'm not very close to my mother. i dont have very positve ideas about myself and i jus always feel like i'm never good enough and that no one will ever love me. i often put out so much to make others happy and often times i try to please people. i always end up feeling like i dont get back the same love i give. To make things worst, my bf pushes me away and he has his own emotional issues to deal with. so i'm jus left feeling like he doesnt care for me and he doesnt want to be with me. i'm jus confused because i dnt knw if he really wants to be with me and he's jus pushing me away or he just doesnt care for me really.
I love the beige analogy. But what about when the people you have pushed away are your own teenage daughters? I don't know how to be beige, and teenagers want their parents to blend in. My failure to communicate with them deeply is now biting me in the butt and it hurts! My own mother was beige and yet I never connected with her either. To this day I am the 1 of 4 daughters who cannot call/talk regularly with her. I love her and my own 2 daughters but cannot connect deeply with them. We won't even get started on the hubby . . .
@Tony: Recognizing that you have a fear of getting close is a start. We fear letting another see us how we really are because we are frightened of getting hurt/left/judged. The sad merry-go-round journey is like this: "Don't want to get hurt so I won't let you in but as soon as I start to feel something for you...I will either run or make you run from me." Stand still Tony! Look into his eyes and confess your fears to both him and yourself. He will either accept it or not but at least you will relieve some of the pressure you have been placing on yourself.
@jessica: You are so young but also in a position to create more damage to your self esteem and soul by being in a relationship with the mirror-image of yourself. What you have with your boyfriend isn't healthy and the best thing for both of you may be to let go gently and kindly so that you can both heal. Being close to someone takes work and risk...you took a risk (albeit anonymously)to post a heartfelt comment so keep that momentum going and really look at yourself and ask, "Is this really the life I was meant to live?" If the answer is no then find comfort in knowing you DO have the power to change! We don't have to have a perfect relationship with our parents in order to learn how to be content with who we are...it is LEARNED and you can teach yourself how to do it.
@carol: Never be beige because the world is full of color and life! My analogy was one of exclaiming what I will NOT BE and my realization that being me is what others appreciate most...flaws and all. Your daughters will want the honest you rather than the projected image you have shown them over the years. They want the same thing from you that you want from your mother. You would be surprised to know that once you let down your guard the people that matter the most are actually drawn closer because they can now see your heart! Sometimes the easiest place to start is by just saying, "I love you." Simple words, spoken from the heart mean more than any expensive gift.
Your daughters need to see the woman you really are so they can avoid being closed off emotionally themselves. It is a viscous cycle, one that I struggled with but, I looked at my own daughter and it hit me...I cannot live a life I do not believe in so I now strive to always say how I feel even if it makes the person listening uncomfortable at first. They do get over that and in exchange, you have made an honest connection that they will remember always, as will you.
thanks for the quick reply. However it was my intent to convey that, like you, I am not beige, and couldn't be if I tried. Often that is hard for my daughters to take as their mother often stands out in a crowd rather than blending in like the "other moms". It has been a wedge between us and I struggle with being true to myself yet creating an environment of comfort for my girls. At almost 50 I have so much to learn about loving myself (I'd even settle for liking myself)and I feel guilty for wanting outside reinforcement.
Hmm...to blend in or not to blend in, that is the question. Just a thought, maybe they could handle the quirky, real you if you let them know WHY being unique is so important to you. It isn't about embarrassing them, it is about being real and they may appreciate the education. Teenagers struggle with self image and think adults "just don't understand." Communication now will go a long way toward making you all feel comfortable in your own skin. I have a feeling that if you acted like a Stepford Mom, all robotic and pant-suit wearing, they would run to Quirky Mom in a heartbeat anyway!
Letting them see beyond the surface distraction, to get to the true heart, is very rewarding. Unless you are walking around in a clown costume or practice nudism in public spaces, I cannot imagine they would not be able to cope! And, DO NOT feel guilty about looking for validation. That is a sign of growth and it also shows that you love your girls enough to consider changing the lack of communication part of your relationship. That is ALL it is, as I surmise from your comments. You all just need to sit down and lay it all on the table...they are worth it and so are you.
elleasku, i would like to say a huge thank u 4 this entire page, and ur quick response. im sorry i havent replied b4 now. seriously i still aint sure how im gona change or fix things but i appreciate its not just me. its given me hope.
@debbie, you are very welcome and just remember...change doesn't happen overnight but it is possible. Believe!
After reading this, I was somewhat relieved. It was like reading about myself verbatum. I am 42 years old and I am just now coming to the realization that the common denominator in every. single. failed. relationship. is ME.
This is a hard pill for me to swallow. These relationships include my family, friends, and romantic relationships. At 42, I do not have a single friend. I often sense that people avoid me. I suspect it is because they sense my desperation and they pull away. This feeds into more low self-esteem, which makes me feel even more longing to have a friend or companion.
*sigh*
I don't even have the tears to cry about this anymore. I feel so lonely and I am trying to figure out how to feel carefree and happy enough to attract good, happy people into my life.
I suspect the first step begins with really learning to love myself. I love the phrase "no one wants invest in a loser." Truly. If I don't give two shits about myself, why would I expect someone else to??
On good days, I get glimmers of feeling confident and happy and feeling at ease with myself. But dammit! Why is it so easy for me to crawl back into my head & begin over-thinking and over-analyzing and acting quirky?
Thank you for this post. It's given me some insight.
I am so glad I found this blog. I am with someone who I love very much, probably with more than I have loved before, and I feel she is doing the very same thing to me. We have been together a fair while, and for the most part, she always showed her affection, told me how she felt, that she loved me, sees a long term future etc. I have always reciprocated, and shown my love too. Now, these little doubts creep in, plans we were making don't look so concrete and she seems to pick fault with me over many little things. Yet in another breath, she tells me that she wishes I was her child's dad (real dad), that I am perfect to her and that she is beginning to think I am the one. Now though, she wants to find herself more, concentrate with studying and take her space. I truly believe she is scared of the unknown and she has expressed that she feels I will get frustrated and walk away one day - even though there is no given reason to do so.
It hurts, and I experienced this once before too so I have to look at myself also. I am nowhere near ready to give up on my girl though....I just wish I understood, and came to peace with, all of this.
@Laura: Labeling yourself the "common denominator" in a parade of failed relationships is a hard pill to swallow indeed but the thing you need to remember is that it isn't YOU as a whole. The issue is the learned defensive behavior that you have carried around with you as protection for years. Separate the behavior from the person and then take baby steps towards really listening to how the people in your life feel about you...start with your family if you can and try to repair that important link first because you do need some support system while on your journey to learning to love yourself. You must develop an appreciation for you, quirks and all, because that is what will bring the smile back to your face and the love to your heart again!
@C: It does sound like you have a "pusher" on your hands and it may have something to do with past hurts experienced by your girlfriend and a fear of being hurt again. It is never rational and rarely makes sense to the person on the receiving end of the pushing but she is scared plain and simple. In my experience I felt that I did not deserve to be happy so at times I would start fights or raise doubts in order to force the other person to walk away rather than just owning up to my fear of being vulnerable enough to truly love with all of my heart. To love with all you have is scary to insecure people because they honestly feel that they may not be able to recover from a heartbreak should their partner leave them. It is the ultimate head-in-sand vs fight-and-flight dilemma. If you feel you must work at getting to the core of her fear then do that now! Pin her down and force a tough conversation about trust and communication. Proper communication will reinforce trust and may also make her feel more comfortable and keep you from being frustrated.
Good luck to you!
oh my, your post, your openness, honesty and all the replies really hit home with me. I'm in shock at how i seem to have 'managed' or not, the relationships i've had (or tried to have) in my life. i have tried very hard along the way to 'change' myself. i've been a regular sufferer of the dreaded depression due to low self esteem and all the problems highlighted in this blog. and as I approach '40' still alone, single and childless, i fear it is now all far too late, because i don't have the luxury of time anymore. the sadness, anger, regret, resentment and bitterness that causes me to feel is so completely and utterly overwhelming, it scares the life out of me.
@ Tamsin: Who said time stops at 40? Some people don't even grow up until then so do not get sucked into that negative inner talk. Please be honest with yourself and decide whether you have really been "managing" or running away from relationships. Depression is treatable so that cannot be the main culprit and my best advice would be to pinpoint the initial cause of the depression...gotta go back to the beginning and follow the path to a solution. I did this...sat with my inner demons exposed to a stranger/therapist, scared silly, but I am glad I did that because I saw that by simply acknowledging my FEARS I could defuse the power I gave them. Take back the power.
Please consider this because rather than having life scared out of you it needs to be residing within you and others should be allowed to enjoy the real you! Contentment starts within...find your light so you can find your way.
I was in a relationship that I thought was great. Suddenly my emails and calls weren't returned. After 6 months, we got together again and it was like walls had gone up; we had sex but no intimacy at all. One month later, we met again and the walls came down a little. Since then, I've not had a call or email returned. I think I'm being pushed away because I mean too much. Does that make sense or am I delusional? I always said that I'd go my way if I was told to go, but I've never been told that even after asking to be told. What should I do? Continue to try to prove my love or just go away?
I want to add a little more to my thread. I believe that he was emotionally abused as a child. His mother is a very controlling, dominating force. He said that he used to manage her by giving her the silent treatment. He does the same thing to me. He even said that I reminded him of his mother (don't know if that's complimentary). When I asked him if he was tired of seeing me, he said that he wasn't but that he was tired of me asking him that. He's the first person I've ever allowed to treat me as a doormat. Is there any way to get through to him or should I admit defeat and move on? I love him and would do anything for him. However, I don't want to be a clinger or stalker, if he'd only be honest with me, I'd know what to do. Please, give me any advice that might help.
He's a very successuful, attractive, well-liked man. But at 44, I don't believe he's ever had a long-term relationship. Does he not want them or is he that afraid of them? I believe it's fear based on how I was treated after our 6 month gap, we went from the most intimate of feelings to a cold, no emotions sexual encounter. Nothing at all like what we'd had. The last time when he let the walls down a little, we went on to dinner. He picked an argument on the way to the restaurant and then another one when we got there. I think he did this deliberately; I believe he pushed me away from fear. Is there a way to reach someone like this? He won't answer my calls or emails. Please help me. Thanks.
@hopeless: I will be honest with you because it seems that is what you are looking for...the man you have your heart set on is not merely a scared man, afraid to love but a passive-aggressive, wounded little boy with unresolved mother issues and he is taking his inner pain out on you. Not only is he directing his personal demons your way he is also using you for a booty-call possibly. He will not tell you directly to go away because passive-aggressive people never say what they really feel because it scares them. So, he gets to have the best of both worlds with you, an uncommitted hook-up/whipping boy. You can expect to get nothing but confusion and hurt in this back-and-forth, messed-up situation. Is that really what you want?
I married a passive-aggressive man with mother issues and he did many of the things this man is doing. Being compared to his mother is a warning sign (he is telling you he plans to treat you just like her) and he IS insulting you! To be compared to the apparent source of his pain should alarm the hell out of you. I sense he may be directing the anger he feels toward his mother at you and has done this to many other women. Unless he decides to get help for his issues then you cannot have any type of healthy relationship with him.
Yes, he is afraid to get close and will not only push, he will drive healthy love away because of his personal problems. YOU CANNOT FIX HIM so please don't imagine you can! He must want to do that for himself so please refuse to be a doormat any longer. Insisting on being with this man will result in one confusing fight after another, the silent treatment will be issued non-stop for no real reason and he will be calling all the shots with you always being on the losing side unless he gets help. He will see you when he wants to see you and will treat you no different than what he has been doing whether you show extreme love and patience or not. The help he needs must come from within him and not from you.
Count it as a blessing that he is avoiding you because you need to run in the other direction not only out of self preservation but also for your sanity. I wish you luck and please know that I speak from experience and want the best outcome for you.
YOU ARE JUST LIKE ME OMG OMG
@kat: If that is so then I hope you make it to the same place of contentment I am in now. Enjoy the journey!
Honesty is exactly what I wanted: thank you. Ironically he and I talked yesterday, I'd emailed and as usual got no response so I called. He answered and acted as if nothing was wrong. He even remembered and commented on how long it had been since we'd last seen each other (7 months). As much as I regret to say this, I think you are right about him. I'd love to help him or make him see that he needs help but I know of no way to do that.
It's such a waste. We had very good times together and I guess I'm bewildered because there was no sign that he was going to quit seeing me. The most disturbing aspect was the difference in intimacy after the 6 month gap, I could've been a prostitute, that's how little intimacy was involved and before then, the intimacy was incredible.
He told me yesterday that the last few emails I'd sent were interesting. Now understand, he never responded to any of them. Do people get off on doing this? I told him I'd appreciate a reply every once in awhile so I'd know he was still alive. He laughed at that. You'd think that we'd had no problems.
I doubt that I'm the only one he's done this to and I doubt I'll be the last. It's sad to see him wasting his life by choosing to be alone. I even sent an email telling him how short life was and asking if he'd consider giving us another go. That went unanswered as well.
If you know of a way to try and get him to get help, please let me know. I think he hurts and that's why he hurts others. I believe his mother really did a number on him and occasionally I think he realizes it too.
Thanks for your help.
@hopeless: The fact that this man actually laughed off your concern about not hearing from him in 7 months and acted as if ignoring your e-mails was just fine and dandy tells me that he does not consider himself to be in a real relationship with you. If he does...he is treating it like a joke and that is neither mature nor acceptable.
He doesn't have to break off all ties because he knows you will continue to seek him out and I wonder if it is because he senses you are a "fixer" with a kind heart. Stop trying to fix and stop seeking him out! A man with passive-aggressive traits looks for someone he can confuse, control and punish...whatever he needs to make himself, in turn, feel in control and you may be falling in to that mold.
The traits of a passive-aggressive include:
Ambiguity or speaking cryptically which is done as a means of making others feel insecure. Chronically being late and forgetting, which is another way to gain control or to punish. Fear of dependency, fear of intimacy, fear of trusting another and because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached at all costs even when they are in a seemingly "committed" relationship. Acting cold seems to be a mainstay in their bag of tricks and they make excuses and procrastinate to obstruct any positive progress so they can avoid a confrontation. Then, they sulk or ignore when they are confronted.
It can be very frustrating dealing with a person like this and they cannot be persuaded, pushed or prodded to seek help because they are infuriatingly stubborn and may just blame all of their problems on you, mom and whoever else is close by! So, all you can really do is tell the person what you need from them VERY CLEARLY and spell out what behavior you will not tolerate. Odds are he will just say nothing and ignore you once again but some passive-aggressive's do make grand promises about how they will change but be aware that this is also a tactic of distraction because they rarely give you a set time-line as to WHEN they will accomplish this!
My heart goes out to you but I sense this man may end up hurting you even more.
Thanks for the reply. I intend to distance myself a bit more from now on. I won't promise I'll quit trying to contact him because for now, that would be a lie. There is something about him. Initially,he was very open about his past, including his relationship with his parents. Our 6 month gap began after he told me about their abuse. I wonder if he told me too much and immediately regretted it. Since then, there has been sex but no intimacy. I can feel the walls that he put up.
Why do I keep beating my head against the wall? I do it because I think he is hurting more than I. I'd love to be able to help him but I can't until he wants to change and I don't see that happening. It's such a tremendous waste.
Thank you again for your help. It is GREATLY appreciated. I plan to leave him alone for a few weeks or so and then touch base to say hello. I want him to know that I'm there if he needs someone to talk to but I won't be there forever.
Thank you so much for this. It opened my eyes a lot. It was very straightforward which is what i needed. I am still young. A mere teenager, but i have already had my share of pushing people away. I believe my main problem is that i am afraid to get hurt. I can like someone a lot, and sometimes when we're together, its great. But other times, i just want to be left alone. It seems as though i can never make up my mind. For once in my life, i wasnt scared. I went for a guy that i was completely crazy about. It was great until he left me for another girl. Ever since thrn, whenever i find myself having feelings for someone, i talk myself out of it. The crazy thing is... I still want that guy that basically cheated on me. He is he only one i have ever had intense feelings for. I really feel like i have some kind of medical disorder. Im not sure what. something has to be causing me to act like this, and i am not insecure at all. Im very confident in myself and my acheivements. So why do i keep pushing people away? My friends and parents worry for me because i never let anyone in. I cant enjoy the normal dating life of a teenager because i will NOT let anyone in. I tried it once, and it failed me. How can i possibly get over that and move on with my life? I just want to be normal.
I am 39 years old and the product of a Mean Mother. I am one of 4 kids. My Mother has never accepted me, has never loved me and NOTHING I ever did was good enough (I could go on for hours + hours). Due to not being accepted by the woman who gave birth to me, I always felt like I was not worthy of being loved. As a child, she would ignore me when I needed her and I grew up feeling like I wasn’t good enough. As an adult things have gotten MUCH worse. A few family members have acknowledged the way she treats me and its only made pushing people away even easier for me.
Every time I found a friend, or a boyfriend I always anticipated “impending doom”. I smothered anyone who has ever cared about me because I was afraid of loosing them and they couldn’t handle my neediness. I have pushed every single person in my life away from me. I always anticipate that the worst is going to happen and never think long term with anyone because in my heart I know I will push them away or they will get tired of my BS and leave me. I know I do this. I know destroy ALL of my relationships yet, I keep doing it. I completely overcompensate and it drives people nuts.
I WANT to stop this vicious cycle. I NEED to stop this vicious cycle but I don’t know how to. Sometimes I feel like it’s easier to be alone because “my world” is so much safer than possibly getting hurt. I WANT to be loved, I NEED to be loved. But the funny thing is I have no idea what love feels like…
At the present moment, I am estranged from my Mother. I need to heal myself before I can continue a relationship with someone who hates me but I have no idea where to start. I have tried reaching out to old friends hoping I can explain my problem, but they are tired of me and refuse to speak to me. Talking to people about this problem is not easy because they don’t understand it. Finding your page tonight was exactly what I needed to read because I know that I am not alone. This condition sucks and I want more than anything to start the healing process.....
The best advice I have for both Alana and Shelyz can be summed up by using a favorite quote of mine by Thomas Merton:
“The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.”
No one can hide from hurt; it will happen eventually BUT...we all have the power to determine how it will affect our lives-good or bad. Alana, if you look down at Shelyz response you can envision how you may end up without some honest soul searching about where you want to travel in life and Shelyz, just look to my responses and know that you can come through that tunnel intact because I did. Hope isn't just reserved for the lucky...it's an equal opportunity giver so reach out now and take back your power!
I see so much of all of you in me, though I am unique, it took me many years and many hard ships, abuses, and loves to seek an end. I am not alone. but i live in a world of fear. Things that started as early as 6 with my parents, to sexual abuse by my brother inlaw at 13 to my first ful relationship with a man who mentally abused me at 18 (an 11 year relationship) to the man I thought could save me... I married... he found ways to hurt me too. but it was his pain that confused but opened my eyes. To much to tell in one little post, but I am hopeful still that I can conquer this. There is someone in my life who has treated me with every repect and love anyone could desire. I opened my heart. he always encourages me. I trust him in ways i never trusted before. But yet im still so afraid. Im afraid to push people away, Im afraid to let people in, I allow fear to control me to its deepest release. How does one move on from a hurtful marrage they are so afraid of, how does one move on to one they know is right for them. I fear for my daughter. I fear the "lawyalty the husband has for his family. I fear the financial wreck im in for the third time in my 12 year relationship I wish to escape from. I spent 4 years in trauma therapy, and I can no longer afford it. It helped alot, but it was slow. How do I speed things up? How do I leap for the better, when I pushed all my freinds to a point I fear letting them back in? I still feel hopeful even with constant thoughts and analyzing going on inside me. I want only for once in my life to take a leap of faith. I want to grab hold of the good and not care. because i fear even that I will push the only man I ever truly trusted away. There has always been an unespected love in this new relationship, a best freind whom I care for so much more, words arent enough and action is needed. Not by his demand, but by my heart.
These posts are both enlightning, yet something that makes me fear even more. 42 years of abuse of multiple kinds. It's time for it to end, its time for me to be the one to end it. Its time for me to finally be happy on the inside. I need to tear down this infernal wall that only ends up pushing all the positive away. I dont want to settle anymore. I have never let out anger in my life, but only 3 times. This makes me feel like im gonna break. Then I fear letting anyone see it break. This is the most bold thing I have ever done. A simple public post about me...
Wow, I totally can relate to this article. Now I know I'm not the only one! Thank you!!! This is how I feel right now. But I'm trying to work on those steps so I don't lose the people I love most and regret it. :( I'm always so scared to regret and feel hurt.
Thank you for the article, although it didn't help me too much for a few reasons. I push people away all the time. I create problems out of situations that normal people would think were mediocre. Like at my youth group at the moment - I've come back after several years absence and want to help lead the youth. However, I'm only an "assistant-leader" at the moment - not a full one - and only the full ones are going to be introduced in a one off event later on.
It may not seem like much, but I'm so impatient! I want what they have, I want to be up there, I want to be recognized! And this is what happens with every club, group or friend I've ever had; I do the hard yards, expect a lot in a short time, but don't actively seek it because I want people to choose me without me asking, and then when I don't get picked, I feel rejected and leave.
I've never had anyone call me their best friend, or their best pupil, or their best whatever. I'm always there for everyone! I am super loyal and friendly, and unfortunately, maybe a bit too intense like you say above, and it's never reciprocated. I just want one person to stand up and go "Hey man! I've never told you this, but you're my best friend. I pick you above everyone else." The last place I thought I'd be rejected, my youth group, and now it feels like I'm about to be all over again.
I know it's a bad behaviour of never sticking my hand up and saying "I'm the best! Pick me!", creating problems to see if people will come back to me, and then resenting them when I get rejected, but I'll never seek help for it. I never want to be content with it because it'll mean I'll have to be content with no one wanting to pick me! Why can't someone just bl**dy pick me? I work my bum off for everyone and when I say "I'm fine being an assistant leader, put Johnny ahead of me" etc, I'm actually saying "HEY! You should know I'm the best and want this so much and that if you don't say, no, I'm picking you, I'm just going to self destruct again!".
I don't know if this is making any sense - I'm poor at putting my deepest emotions in words for others, but you hopefully get the sense of it. I'm just writing because I need to.
@Hopeful: Yes you can conquer fear because you hold the power to do so. By spilling your guts in such a public arena you are showing that you are approaching the point where you will not tolerate "less than" in your life anymore and that is the most HOPEFUL sign so go with it and find your freedom. Do not let your past define your present and future because that is the mistake I made for years. I carried around the past like a damn crown of thorns and I jammed it down on my stubborn head year after year only to find out that it no longer fit and I certainly didn't look pretty wearing that symbol of self-inflicted pain.
@Kat: All you can do is go with your gut and express how you feel about those you love despite any fear of rejection. Thinking about doing something is pretty worthless without follow-through. The moment of clarity and realization is upon you so act and regret will no longer be an issue. You can do this.
@Steve: Okay, I am going to be blunt here - Unless you are surrounding yourself with clairvoyants that can read your every thought then the wish for people to "just bloody pick me" or "know" that you are the best isn't going to happen. If you want something you have to both work for it and ASK for it. Life is not a full service drive through, with attendants anticipating your needs and then fulfilling all wishes instantly.
I completely hear that you are frustrated and I was very much like that myself. Frustration breeds impatience and impatience breeds arrogance in time which turns people off. What I have found is that people could sense my impatience and hesitated to choose me because they didn't want to deal with any potential drama that may ensue. It goes both ways. In order to be a great friend, or a first place finisher in the game of life, you have to consider the feelings of others and attempt to view yourself through their eyes. I missed that point and also expected people to just know what I was thinking which is terribly unfair and only led to disappointment. When I started just saying what I wanted (or didn't want anymore) a surprising thing happened...I got what I needed. That ain't just a line in a Rolling Stones song Steve, it is a fact so ASK, ACT and ACCEPT what you need rather than what you think you want.
Slow down, breath and take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror...the real you is tired of games and wants to be freed from unattainable expectations. Stop being so hard on yourself and you will also be surprised what and who is drawn to you. Positive attracts positive just like negative attracts negative, it's a fact!
Elleasku: That is something I can sympathize with deeply. All the more reason to want desperately to sprout the wings of strength. Two things that always kept me in fear were mental conditions caused from the child hood trauma. One being Disociative dissorder, and the other chronic depression. And for years before the insodent/ insodents with the man I married, I beleived I had healed. It took what he did to me to realize I had not. I blamed my self at first, then turned to free counseling I recieved by calling the national rape hotline. The dissociation I didnt know was there has come back. the therapy I continued later through paid therapy was to teach me to reverse all the negative impact and create a new positive stronger woman who could take care of her self. Two years into therapy we still hdnt reached my current situation. and we had to stop because of the finacial wreck. Mind you, this is just information. I'm not wallowing any more. I can not afford to wallow. there have been times I wish I could just explode in anger. I have always been "too nice" people have always walked all over me. All this because of the fears. I had a realization the other day. When I left the previous 11 yr. relationship, I had to have my brother come and assist. It was something I always felt was weekness, but I finally feel that it was the best thing I could have done to protect myself (an act of strength). I knew he would have become physically violent. He began to prove me right. I have been reading a book called "the power of fear" it's a wonderful book with great insight. I just don't want my daughter and my self to go down with this family of the man I am married to.
hi, i can relate to what you are saying. Need to get over my low self esteem but the problem is i feel worried that whatever few people i know will just vanish from my life.Yes, somewhere i have only chosen the wrong people as friends in my life, no wonder i am struggling to maintain relationship with all, while they all are pretending to b very busy in their lives. My need to have people around, is urging me to keep writing to people who don't even bother to acknowledge or reply back to me. How do i change myself. Because 95% of the people i know fall in the above bracket(the ones who have no time for me)Its scary to think i can manage without friends in life...please guide me.
@anonymus: You do need to develop a higher sense of self esteem and let go of the fear that people will suddenly vanish once you decide to finally start being honest about what you really need out of life.
Here is the thing about doing the clingy/pushy approach to life relationships: you aren't managing anything other than a continued feeling of disconnection. The ONE person you really need to connect with, and pronto, is YOU. When we feel crappy about ourselves then we draw indifferent and insensitive people to us like a moth is drawn to a flame...over and over. You will keep getting burned unless you recognize that in order to have a healthy relationship on the "outside" one must do some remodeling on the inside.
The toughest thing to realize is that YES, YOU have to do the work on yourself first before real life changes will ever come and no one else can make those changes for you. When you feel comfortable in your own skin, other people notice...good people notice and they want to be closer to you. Love yourself first and the rest falls into place.
Cheers for the read friend and a lot of what you said makes sense. There's another factor that can sit silently and rear it's head without warning though. I've come to understand recently that you can be secure and happy in yourself and still have the mechanism to push people away.
It's common these days to have split parents and often it doesn't seem like a bad split. Both parents get on well after, a step dad can raise you as his own, you bond and you receive what is perceived as a normal stable un bringing. But, always a but which caught me by surprise.
I found that I still pushed people away through often no fault of there own. Mine comes from the split parent thing and a Dad coming and going on visits. Here is a person you love with all your heart and he can't stay and constantly leaves you. For a 4-11 year old this was out of my control and would make me cry myself out and fall asleep.
But my point is this placed in me a mechanism to push people away before they can leave me and inflinct that pain. It's like trying to take control of an uncontrolable situation that could cause you a lot of hurt. Making it happen when you choose it too.
Recently though I've had a real moment of clarity through that's helped me to view everything crystal clearly.
With a beautiful girlfriend who've I've totally fallen for I found myself massively exaggerating false faults in her actions or character to arm myself to push her away. No ones perfect and it's easy to do. It nearly worked as well, you should have seen the hurt it inflicted to this beautiful beautiful person who had done absolutely nothing wrong and didn't understand it. Breaks my heart thinking back.
The beautiful thing though, is that I simply couldn't lose her and fortunately she is a very strong person. It made me so angry at myself that I had to do everything to keep her. Which meant looking deep inside and opening up without fear. I told tell her that everything that had just happened was nothing to do with her and surrendered myself completely without fear to her. She had done nothing wrong but the truth was that I was simply falling hard for her and my defense mechanism from my dad coming and going made me see bullshit exaggerated and false negative reasons in her behaviour and charater to then arm up to push her away.
Realising all this has not enabled me to remove that defense mechanism from me, but it has given me the knowledge to know it's there, read the signs and remove the growth when I'm arming misplaced, false and wrong reasons to push her away.
I'm happy in myself so this all caught me by surprise but now I've traced it I can read what's happening and hope, no make absolutley dam sure that I don't push people away before they can leave me.
THere is also an added string with the spilt parent thing where you push people away as a sort of 'test' to check how much they love or care for you by the hurt it inflincts to them and their reaction. It's very very very out of line and often you won't know you're doing it. Comes from a child thinking the parent simply doesn't care enough to stay. As an adult it's stupid I know but you have to think from the childs perspective.
The mad thing is that this isn't built around personal trust or insecurity. You can be a happy confident person that people love being around and vice versa. But as soon as you start to care about people, be it friendship or relationship then bang that defense mechanism kicks in. For years I had no idea and my arrogance beleaved the bullshit reasons I amoured myself with. (Don't get me wrong some had to go as we all meet wronguns!) But looking back with clarity and understanding the bulk it was unjustified and such a waste.
All created from a young innocent boy, where none of this was his fault (another thing to take on board) and a key figures in his life would
1/uncontrollably come and go causing great pain and
2/made him unsure whether he was cared about by a parent.
This is where this hidden defense was grown but is an invisible ball and chain around happiness in relationships.
I hope and will constantly battle to remove it one day but the realisation and recoignition is more than enough. It feels like a great burden has been lifted through understanding and being able to read signs and most importantly protect those I love and who love me from something that is neither their fault or my own.
I hope this may in some slight hope help someone else out there in pixel land who maybe struggling to understand something. Many thanks and best wishes to all.x
Thanks for your reply, must say i fully understand what you are saying and i am already acting upon it. just want to know if what i am doing is the right way.
1.I have stopped being dependent on people who have been insensitive to me.
2.I don't show desperation in relationships.
3. I accept people the way they are.
4. I try to understand people and their motive before allowing them to come close to me.
5. Also i make sure i don't go running to them at the drop of the hat..which i used to do earlier, which made me look desperate.
6. I have stopped making unnecessary calls to all such people and call occasionally or rarely.
I hope i am doing the right thing..Could u also give me ur inputs as to how do i raise my self esteem and how do i love myself.
Also one thing i must admit i was a very emotional person..even now i am but atleast now i realise when i am being unreasonable...the emotional bond that i had with the insensitive people is bit hard to get over..whats the best way to overcome that.
Waiting anxiously for your reply.
Thanks once again.
Hi. People & my partner say I push people away. I have forgotten why & no longer care. I loved many & their betrayal was a step towards my hard nature. To love with all my heart & soul & to have it taken away by parents & false friends is enough to turn me from a cheerful fun loving man, to a loathing of those who don't deserve the right to breath air. My grandad always there for me & never left, until her unfortunate death, where she held me by the hand so tight, she knew her fight was lost & knew mine had begun, I only have bad memories, but it's those that were the most trauma. When I needed my parents the most they were never there. How can I be a good father if all I remember was the bad things in my life. So much I blocked everything.
First, I want to say Thank you for bravely coming forward and sharing your story. Secondly, please be patient, there is a happy ending to this.
Every post and its reply has resonated with me in one way or another. In one of your replies you listed the attributes of a passive-aggressive person. Every description listed was my ex-husband to the 'T'. It was extremely frustrating when he would shut down. When I would nail him down and ask questions about his behavior most of the time his reply would be "I don't know". Ugh! I wanted to reply back "do you know ANYTHING?" To this day I really dislike that response, but accept it from whomever gave it to me because they may truly not know.
I too had a very difficult childhood. My father is a stuffer-exploder personality. My father expected so much of me and the harder I tried to please him, to do as he asked of me, to make him proud of me... I never quite reach the bar he set for me. I never got true positive feedback from him (i.e. if I had gotten a 'B" on my report card, I would get "Good job, but an 'A' is better"). I felt defeated constantly. I got the chance to play a musical instrument but was never allowed to practice at home (making to much noise), so I was mediocre. My mother defended me several times to him. In high school it mattered to me the most because 9 times out of 10, I sat in last chair or next to last chair, when I knew I was better/could be better. Lesson I learned? Why try when it will not matter to anyone in the end? My maternal grandfather died when I was 8. I was visiting with maternal grandparents just before school started. Extended family had come to visit and my grandfather was an avid golfer. As usual, he left early in the morning, around sunrise to play 18 holes of golf. This particular time, he didn't come back. I remember my grandmother and 2 of my grand-aunts leaving to go to the hospital. They come back without him. The second I saw one aunt, I knew without a doubt in my mind, he had died. I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest, that the breath was taken from me, abandoned and very much alone; thinking who is going to protect me now. All at the tender age of 8. He and I were extremely close; something my father could never come close to. My security and trust in myself and all others was gone. About 6 months after my grandfather's death, my father started hitting me out of anger and frustration. I endured and survived this for 8 years. One particular memory that sticks out in my mind (as do many others), was when I was in 4th grade. I went to school with bruises on my arms, legs and hips. Interestingly, a close classmate ask me about the large bruise on my right forearm. I told her what happened. She told me that I should report who ever did this to the police. I did as any victim of abuse would do "that's my dad, I don't want him to get in trouble". At 16, I had had enough. He started to come at me, realizing what was happening, I moved into a position where he could not reach me. He asked why I was countering his movement and he got a curt response "because I'm not going to let you hit me anymore". Of course, this surprised him... I followed up with telling him how afraid of him I was and had been for a very long time. He thought I was BS'ing him. Thank God for my mother, she told him to hush and listen for once. After that night he never laid another hand on me. Lessons learned? hitting says I love you, keep those you love at arms length or push them away to keep from getting hurt. Most of my relationships ended tragically. My first real boyfriend, cheated on me repeatedly for 4 years. I couldn't understand why. My first marriage, he left just before our 2nd wedding anniversary without word one, never telling me why he was leaving (passive-aggressive behavior rearing its ugly head). Once again, I felt abandoned and defeated, worthless, a very familiar feeling. I felt like I had done something wrong to make him leave; I know now that he not only ran and pushed, but I pushed him too. My second marriage, he cheated on me several times within the first few years; we've been married for almost 10 now. By our 2nd year of marriage, several events brought me knees, literally, begging God to please help me, please point me in the direction I needed to go because I could not stand another devastating heartbreak and failed marriage. Help came! I sought out therapy! That was the toughest 3 years I had gone through. She was incredible and I'm forever in her debt. I finally got the chance to talk about those haunting past events. She was tough on me at times. If she started me out in one direction, I would try to stay there, but when the pain was so great, I would "skirt" around it and she would bring me back to where she wanted/needed me to be. She needed/wanted me to face it, to feel it, to accept it, let life penetrate. Clarity came. New lessons were learned. Old behaviors stopped and new ones were adopted. Up until my recent move with my husband, I was still seeing a therapist. That's 8 years worth of time I invested in myself and my marriage! The last 4 years was, in essence, maintenance. There was and are still times when the past comes haunts me, but now I'm able to face myself. I let myself feel that pain, ask myself where is it coming from and what triggered it? I still have moments where I guard myself like I'm standing in the middle of Fort Knox.
But over all, and my point to this rambling, is that I learned to like and love myself for who I am. That my past is the past. Yes, it has shaped me, directed my decisions, still comes to mind. It reminds me of where I was, how far I have come, and a much brighter future with my husband (who by the way, is so very patient with me... which is all I asked of him... and to love me for me)... which is all I ever needed from myself.
I will try to catch up and reply to all of the wonderful comments that have been received recently about my simple little article, which started as a therapy assignment in which I was asked to answer the question, "So, why do you push people away?" I am both amazed and honored to view the honesty and courage of so many of the posters on my Hub. Thank you!
@Russell: Thank you for your insightful contribution and lesson in the continued struggle that emotional pushers face. Yes, it is very possible to feel great about yourself and still push love out of your life...people do it all the time. This is usually precipitated by an emotional abandonment by a loved one early on in life and it sets one up to close off their heart to hurt later on in life. Everything can be summed up to fear of being hurt which is a normal human fear that can be put into better perspective with time and experience. You seem to be on your way quite nicely so stay vigilant and I will wish the best for you.
@Anonymous: There is no right or wrong to learning to love oneself and the best way to raise your level of self esteem is to concentrate on yourself right now...more so than concentrating on those you feel have wronged you. Let them be for now and just work on you. Work on doing things you enjoy, things you love and things that give you personal enrichment. You need to feed your own soul before you can connect with another. Once you take care of yourself then you will see that insensitive people with no longer have power over you and the only person you should depend on is you. Accept yourself, flaws and all and there will be no desperation - only appreciation. Know that you may not always be able to "understand" the intentions of others, you aren't a mind reader but, you can KNOW yourself. Once you start putting your emotional health first you will attract like minded people and being around them will be a joy rather than a chore. You can do this and I wish you the greatest success.
@Steve: Living in the strangle hold of past ghosts will ensure that your present and future will be a negative replay of that unhappy past. Come back to the present and live in the moment. You have the power to guide your life so please stop giving that power away to people that do not deserve to be in your life's driver's seat! Take the damn wheel and stop the negative cycle of driving around and around in circles. You have more power than you know and if possible, please consider seeking out a professional with which you can share and one that can help you put all of your negative memories into proper perspective so you can grow and enjoy your life for once. It can be done.
@Still Growing: Thank you for sharing and I am so glad that you allowed enlightenment to break through the pain of bad personal relationships and family dysfunction. Learning that we truly do have the POWER to move our lives in the direction we want and need is an amazing lesson isn't it? Keep living in the moment and know that the sun shines inside as well as out so keep enjoying that bright future.
I cannot tell you how comforting it is to know that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. I am definitely a pusher, and experiencing one of the hardest times in my life. I have met a man, who wants to be with me, despite my baggage from a previous relationship, that keeps cropping up, no matter how hard I try to suppress it. He is everything I said I always wanted, and yet I am pushing him away and finding faults in him, just to do it. Why? Is he too needy? Or is it me just not interested in him? I literally cannot figure it out. I get angry when my friends say "when you know, you just know" .... i have so much love for him... i just cant seem to let him in. I need help :(
I want to love him, very much so.... but I don't know how. I fear being hurt again, but mostly hurting him... I never want to do to someone else, what was done to me in the past... I was hurt.
any further advice?
@Jessy: You are most certainly not alone. Allowing yourself to love another human being is scary but learning to truly love who you are takes great courage. It may be that your baggage keeps getting dumped on your relationship's doorstep because you have not faced, acknowledged and accepted your own fears yet. You can't fix that which you keep running away from or denying so if you really want to stop pushing people away then an honest conversation with yourself and about yourself is in order.
The man that has decided to take a chance on you may be exactly what you want and need but are you the person you want and need to be for yourself? My, total long-shot guess would be...No! You can have the greatest opportunity/man right in front of you, at this very moment, but if you don't love who you are, in spite of where you have been, then the past demons will continue to cloud your current life.
There comes a time when the past needs to be boxed up and placed on a high shelf; out of sight and definitely out of mind, because it serves no purpose anymore. Please let the love that has found you serve you, feed you and sustain your soul NOW because you drew that to you for a reason. It's your time to heal finally so run with it.
reading your advice, and thoughts is truly inspiring... the kindness of strangers always amazes me...
I truly value what you have said, and agree that I need to love myself. That being said, I'm not sure how to begin that process, how to just say, "ok, ya, i DO love me"... ya know?
Thank you so very much for your response...
God bless you.
Jessica
Jessica, you are very welcome and you start the process of loving yourself again by simply acknowledging what you need. Just like you would do at the start of a romantic relationship with a man; you get to know him, his likes and dislikes and then go from there. You got lost along the way and need to get reacquainted with yourself.
It took me nearly 20 years to realize that with just a few minor adjustments in attitude, and the shedding of about a ton of misplaced anger, I could finally feel love for myself. It doesn't happen overnight but when it does click it is such a relief.
Many blessings to you on your journey toward clarity and peace.
To be honest if people don't ike what or how I do things tough. I have made professionals cry, some would say they couldn't be that professional. I have undertaken counselling & psychology teachers state there is nothing wrong with my approach to life, especially as they recomend I become a councillor due to my experiences, as for souls, I can't honesty say I feel like I have one
@Steve: I will assume this is Steve#1 since the other Steve was asking for advice and you apparently don't need any.
Making a professional cry must be quite the accomplishment but that isn't something I'd put on my resume or hold up as a great sign of success. No criticism of your approach to life was made and whether you have a soul or not isn't my concern but I will say that since I wrote this Hub as a means to clarify things for myself I stand by my initial response.
Good luck to you whether you choose to become a psychologist, psychiatrist, life coach or even a shoe salesman. These are all professions where some empathy and understanding of basic human nature is needed; a sale is a sale whether it be shoes or guidance.
I feel so empty and lonely right now. I just ended a 26 months long relationship with my guy and 'shockingly', I haven't cried. I used to cry and get all depressed and stuff by the slightest provocation but before reading all the comments and everything written here, I had this 'i just wanna have fun' attitude for the first time in an extremely long time. But lately, I realized that the more guys enter my life, the more I'll start pushing them away but expect them to come back. And if they don't, they're not serious. I know, what a bitch I am and what a, theory, right? Like what's wrong w me?? My ex called me a slut a few days ago and he said I changed a lot, and that e girl he used to love so much isn't coming back. That hurt only a lil. Perhaps I can be categorized under 'loners' in school although I talk to people and act and try to fit in, but lately people are like excluding me from stuff and I feel emotionally detached from the world. I'm not a guy desperado, I only talk to them cause they're the ones who keep coming to me and I feel that they're actually there for me. How stupid, I know. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know my comment is like nothing compared to others comments, how bad their situation is and stuff, but I've got many other things happening like my family crap and stuff. It's the first time ever posting a comment on foreign pages and I just wanna say thanks for even bothering to read my comment if you do.
I just feel really lonely deep inside and I feel like the worlds better off without me....
@Mel: Actually your comment is very much like most of the others on here and pain is pain no matter how it comes about. We push people/love away from us because we don't feel like we deserve it or because we know we deserve better but can't force ourselves to WORK for better. By "work" for better I mean doing the inner work: Get your head healthy and your heart will be more open to love once the fear is defused.
Fear is the common negative force that keeps people living in a bubble of inactivity, self-doubt and self-loathing. To have a man you were in a relationship with actually call you a slut (Who gave him the right to judge?)should be the wake-up call that tells you he wasn't right for you. Do not buy into the negativity and refuse to accept the labels others rudely attempt to put on you. You, alone, define who you are and what is acceptable in your life; no one else has that job.
What I hear from your comment is apathy and depression. You are grieving over not only the loss of an unfulfilled relationship but it sounds like you may also be grieving the loss of yourself and whether you cry or not is meaningless. You aren't lost at all, you are just temporarily misplaced and surely the goals you once had for your life are still there under the surface. Gathering a group of men to push away and expect to have them run back to you is just a distraction with a recipe for disappointment attached.
The world will NOT be better off without you but you will be better off getting it into your head that you MUST develop an appreciation and love of yourself because you are unique and the world will notice if you leave. Please consider finding a qualified therapist if possible because the work you put into yourself will be worth it and you will notice that the people you attract when you feel awesome inside won't be the ones you will want to push away!
how do you let go of the past and not let the past get you down?
@kendra: Your question is the million dollar question that every human needs to search within themselves to find the answer to. It is essentially the very epicenter of the problem for those who push people away and it is why they feel and express fear over and over. In short, unless you face, acknowledge or forgive past hurts they will follow you into every future interaction with everyone in you life.
The best way to deal with or "let go of" the past is to talk about it honestly. You can't let go of problems you won't acknowledge as belonging to you. Talking things out means you have to let go of your pride as well so if there are things you need to apologize for then do that. On the flip side, if you are expecting others to apologize to you for being hurtful then the wait will take an eternity and you will have just wasted many years feeling bitter when you could have been using that time to live a joyful life instead.
The thing about letting go is that you have to really want to live a better life. Ask yourself these questions first: "Am I worth fighting for?" "Is holding on to hurt and anger worth more than my happiness?" and finally, "Why do I give away my power and control over my life to ghosts from my past?" To move forward you have to go back one last time and scream at those demons, "You have no power over me anymore! I am in control of my destiny so get out of my way."
I was notorious for pushing away the very people I loved the most. I did it with my kids (thankfully they are still around and we have great relationships!) and with men I met after my divorce. Oh, did I ever meet some great men. But, I pushed them all away out of fear. Fear that our relationship would fall apart, or fear that I would lose myself in "us".
After about the third time I did that and was left with the massive void in my life called loneliness, I stopped dating and took a good, hard look at myself. I uncovered that fear of failure or rejection or loss of my identity and came to the realization that all of that is just temporary. I worked on "me" for a long time and discovered that I could go forward instead of backwards and I would be OKAY.
Funny thing is, I found myself in a relationship with someone who has pushed me away on a few occasions and I cannot tolerate it. It tells me that this person has some insecurities and fears that they need to face head on or they are going to wind up like me...going from one relationship to another and feeling badly and lonely until they face that demon inside and come to terms with their own self worth and what that they DO deserve love along with the best that life has to offer.
Kathleen, you summed up the intent of my hub exactly. We walked the same path at times and took a few different turns but, ultimately, to end up in the same glorious place of peace is the true reward. I am glad you found the joy in you and know what true power you possess inside.
Hey,
So first of all, great blog post, great comments, and really all around wonderful. For all those going though this, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I was molested as a kid, then rejected by people in high-school (would call and no one would get back to me, endless days alone at home), and then was in a relationship for five years, with a woman, who rejected me flat out without a reason. Mind you that relationship was for a while non-physical, but emotional - while she was with another dude. Oh yeah, was also moved around from country to country as a kid.
All this among some other things made me either push people away - they would make me sick because they actually cared for me, or fall for them hard, holding onto every single thread and being afraid of them rejecting me - which they would because they were emotionally unavailable and just as f'ed up as I am. Oh and a lot of trying to find love in the sack. Huuuge intimacy issues. Oh and anyone normal - would just (and to a degree still is) boring.
Anywho...... long story short,
1. I started to love myself, and tell myself that I'm worth other people's affection. I told myself it wasn't my fault that any of this had happened.
2. Took a while off from dating at all, and tried to understand me. Who am I really, what do I want, where are the problems with other people and me, and how do they manifest themselves.
3. Read a lot about abandonment - good place to start is - http://www.abandonment.net/situation.A.frame.html
4. Began to control those crazy feelings - if she would say I love you, i would fight it, i would call her back. I would try and be there emotionally for other people. Slowly, very slowly.
But... the good news in the end is that I'm better (not perfect, but better), my last relationship was fairly normal in comparison to the others, and I feel like I can actually date again and be open with people. Figure that after all that pain and hurt from the past, the option of not having anyone is worse that having someone even for a little that may hurt you, and the pain, it can't possibly be worse, or if it is, then at least I now know how to cope with the grief.
So chin up people, if you want to - you can get the hell out of it!!!!! (mostly)
But... here's the funny part, or maybe not that funny. I met this girl recently about a month ago, and she's the most amazing thing I've ever encountered in my life, smart, funny, sexy, beautiful, good job, educated, kinda like me, and we spend one intense week together. At this point I'm not freaking out - just going for it, and she has an anxiety attack and then loses it after we make love. By losing it, she's going through the circle, pushing me away - I've been there so I respond rationally and she confirms everything. Bad breakup 1.5 years ago, and she's only now starting to be ok with herself - and she doesn't mean to but she's pushing me away and trying to find faults in me even though she can't find any. But tells me she can't really date anyone at the moment, and that she's fine for the first time in a while and that we remain friends.
I've been there, but I'm thinking, should I just be friends with her, should I invest the time and possible heartache to build trust in her. I can see us possibly having something really really good together, but all this will be difficult, and then the fine line of her not getting sick of me as I did in everyone that ever reached out for me.
@the jones: Thank you. Congratulations on finding your own personal place in the sun so to speak. I call my journey the "Enlightenment Tour" so it is always nice to hear from other healing travelers.
Isn't it quite the learning experience when you are presented with someone that mirrors, almost to the letter, how you once were? You went through a lot to get to the level ground you stand on now and to see another person not as far along in their own life journey, a person that you can actually see yourself caring for on a more permanent basis, can be rather disheartening.
So, to invest your heart or not, that is the question now, correct? Yes, you probably do have an emotional connection with this woman...because you can see where she is headed since you traveled that same path, but the work that still needs to be done is for her to do, not you. I am sure you know that so your quandary is: Do I stay "just friends" with a woman I have seen naked because she may need my vast knowledge as a recovering emotional pusher or do I chalk it up to another lesson learned and move forward to find someone truly ready to connect?" You are in a tough spot indeed and I do not mean to be flippant here but, it may just be a tale of two seemingly awesome ships passing at the wrong point in time. She may be worth the risk and you two may be compatible at some point IN THE FUTURE but at this moment in time she is on a totally different page. Since she stated that she does not want to date now then I am thinking her fear level is definitely at a Code Red/Run while yours is in a much more contemplative, willing to try stage. Being friends may be possible but just be wary of the "what if" thoughts since they are sneaky and can disorient even the most experienced. I can say that I think you will figure this one out though...no doubt.
Wow.. that's a lot of comments :)
The processes that you so eloquently phrased are the very same ones that happen in my head. I wish I could offer something more useful, but I'm afraid all I've got is a deep sense of "I feel ya".
Anyway, I like the way you write. I'll be around to read more.
@angela: Just being able to empathize and "sense" where another human being is coming from because you have been there too is, often, one of the most useful things that we can offer eachother. It is free and pure.
There are times when words don't mean nearly as much as a hug or a smile of understanding and a wise nod of acknowledgment so, thank you!
What a very insightful hub, Elleasku! There are so many people "pushing" people away unintentionally and they think that no one truly cares for them! I am a very sensitive and caring person myself. Sometimes, things that are important to me do not seem to be as important to another person and therefore, I end up thinking they just don't care when it just isn't on top of their list. I have to remind myself that different people have different agendas and what they consider important at the time and that I should not get offended when my caring is not returned. Thank you for sharing this-it was very enlightening. Keep writing. God bless!:-)
Elleasku, this is such a great post thank you so much.
I was going through the comments and all these comments specially debbie's described pretty much everything i'm going through and i'm so glad i'm not alone. 1st of all im Egyptian and i guess therapists here suck, is there anyway i could help myself on my own, You said i should love myself. I'm trying so hardly to try to accept all the nice things people say to me. I feel so uncomfortable that i usually run away or say something unpleasant but now i'm trying to have some self control and i try to let the feelings emerge so that i can feel them but not let them out on the other person. But that doesn't make the feelings go away, I really dont know what to do. Ive tried alot. I know it wont happen overnight and ive definitely improved because im starting to realise all the wrong things that ive been doing. I really wanna help myself because ive got so much love and i wanna show my feelings but im just always scared. I wanna learn to accept compliments and love specially from the people closest to me like my parents I wanna get married one day and have a happy life and btw im only 19 and going through that crappy depressing self awareness phase of maturation.
Anyway thank you for your great page.
@CarolineVABC: Thank you so much. It took me MANY years to figure out that just because I cared more in certain situations that this didn't mean I had the market cornered on righteous indignation and hurt! I had to learn to lighten up and cut other people some slack; either they wanted to be in my life or they did not and I was not going to let that rule me. I also learned to accept that my sensitive nature made me over-react at times and it wasn't any indication of my self-worth. We all "think" we want to be with someone that sees the world exactly the way we do but with age and experience the desire to cherish and learn from our differences comes...that makes life more fun!
I am glad you enjoyed reading my Hub and many blessings to you.
@sammy: The best way to help yourself is to accept that you are not perfect, no one is and, the first compliments you need to believe and hold tight are those that come from you. There is a saying that states: "If I tell myself something over and over, after time, I will start to believe it." What do you see when you look in the mirror? Each day I see a flawed human being that has made mistakes but one that has joy behind her eyes and laughter and love in her heart. I cherish that and tell myself everyday "Thank you for sticking it out because the real fun is about to begin!"
Lesson #1: You have NO CONTROL over how others feel about you, good or bad so release that from your mind and breathe.
Lesson #2: You DO HAVE CONTROL over how you feel about yourself.
Lesson #3: Stop saying you are WRONG or implying that something is wrong with you. We act out of habit and we learn negative patterns from others: parents, siblings, so on. Accept that and move to the next step: "I am flawed just like everyone else and yet,I can still do whatever my heart desires!" Yell that everyday.
You are young and I am thrilled that you recognize so much at your age because insight typically comes only after many years and many mistakes. That isn't "crappy," it is awesome because you seem to be ahead of the game. Not everyone needs a therapist to guide them, some people have the best life guides living inside of them and I have a feeling that with the help of your family and your own intellect positive change will come for you.
elleasku thank you so much, your reply almost made me cry, you are an amazingly positive person, god bless you
My name is Kate. I push people away. I have had countless of friendships and relationships and looking back, it was me who caused the split. I push them away so they feel the hurt I feel. Trouble is, they never come back, and at nearly 43 years old, I have no friends, my sister hasn’t spoken to me in 2 years, and I have been single for nearly 7 years, since the birth of my daughter.
My dad abused me sexually only one time, when I was around seven years old. From that moment on I avoided him. I spent my entire childhood trying to avoid him, and when I was with him he was unaffectionate and uninterested in me. He emotionally abandoned me the day he abused me, and, as you have commented before, he set me up to close my heart to hurt later on in my life.
My relationships with my friends begin to deteriorate when I perceive them to be doing me wrong. Initially I drop hints, and usually the hints are not specific enough, or I set people unattainable goals inside myself so that when they fail me, they are pushed away. I have no money to get therapy, I have no friends to support me, just me, lonely me, x
@sammy: You are very welcome.
@Kate: Your post is heartbreaking not only because it details your past hurts but because you currently are not living in the moment or really even living, period. In order to be present in life you have to somehow come to terms with your past, therapy or not. That may be as simple as just saying out loud, "Yes, my childhood sucked but I refuse to allow it to rule me for the rest of my life." Keep saying it, out loud, until it finally sinks in because all hope is not lost.
The best friend you have is yourself so start with that. It may not seem like much but in the grand scheme of things it means the word so stop the negative inner dialogue, stop the avoidance tactics, and in short, stop tearing yourself apart dear woman. Your daughter needs all of you, not just the shell of you so please, please, please look for any type of local support group for adult survivors of abuse, they are free and being around others who can identify with you in a one-to-one setting may be the lifeline you need.
Oh wow, I literally am you. So i feel really bad for you that this is how your mind ticks too. My inner thoughts are sarcastic and quite negative towards myself. I found myself caught up in an abusive relationship when i was younger back in highschool (blah blah blah). The jist of it was ; The boy was older he was jealous,didn't allow me to talk to boys or friends, I did anyways, He'd beat me up, Convince me I needed him, I didn't like him but felt strangely attached, after a few years I got away, He didnt isolate me but attempted but the stress of the whole thing killed me. Anyways that is not the story here. Afterwards, I felt this need to be with a guy at all times but if this one boy I had met I really had feelings for but I found myself looking to get with other guys at any party that he wasnt attending. In my head i would say " I have to do this so if he does it first I wont care". Then the whole time i found myself anticipating him stop talking to me, when he didn't I started to behave rude and stop talking to him to speed the process up, I guess I didn't want to develop hard to feel feelings.Weird. It stressed me out that he would be nice to me, I thought being used and then treated badly was inevitable.But thats my little story, curious if anyone had ever felt similair.
This really helped me
im in pieces - there is so much above that is everything i hate about myself. I just can't do this anymore. I'm tired of the ache, I am tired of pretending to be ok. At 40, I can't.I get uglier as I get older, meaner and more stupid.I know life will only get worse for me - its like a story book with a bad ending. I can't do this anymore - I am not going to ask any1 to help me - this has always ended in me being the 'freaky central point' of every1 elses problems. i cant do this.I am done.
@SeriousDonna: No need to feel bad for me...this tale was written after I found peace and was merely a reflection of how I once was. Granted, I experienced many of the same things you did and hid behind sarcasm as a way to cover my insecurities but, I grew and learned and moved beyond this. I hated the idea of giving away my personal power to other people when I was the only one that knew how to use my inner strength. That strength guided me to peace and it can guide you as well.
@Kaho: I am so glad and wish you all the joy life has to offer!
Now, @sara: I hear that you are tired, frustrated and in the grips of despair but listen just one more time before you shut down for good. Who told you that hating yourself was an option and what makes their opinion more important than your own? At 40 I became angry, not complacent and, yes, I looked in the mirror and saw an older version of me but I was glad as hell to be alive and glad as hell that all of the losers in my life weren't allowed to win! I too became "meaner" with age but I realized that it was just a cover, a mask to hide my fear. My life belongs to me and I will NEVER allow anyone to write my ending for me so please take your life back. The person in charge is you and once you stop pretending and start being brutally honest about what you will and will not put up with then, and only then will life seem more possible.
I have done too much, hurt my girlfriend many times will same mistakes again and again. Even though she told me she still loves me but the only barrier was my mistakes and stop being aggressive and be a man and stop letting people walk all over me and just be me and that is the reason why she was with me and me letting people walk over me is pissing her off. I love her soo much and also planing to marry her but I have to stop my bullshit.
To my baby
I Love You
@Tjay: I do hope you also said this to the person that loves you as well as truly taking it to heart yourself. When we acknowledge the things we do, that don't work, a funny thing happens...we release the garbage that keeps us stuck and we move toward CHANGE.
The key is: Take your words and turn them into positive action otherwise they are meaningless and a waste of breath.
Good luck.
dear Elleasku:
Until recently i knew nothing about passive aggressive behavior disorder....but i have since done a lot of reading.....i have a 'friend" whom i thought was becoming more....he is younger than me and lives at home at age 34..hates his controling narcisstic mother but cooks for her, runs her errands etc....he and i are both artistic and musical. We had been planning on doing some recording. He confided in me a lot and i thought our relationship was deepening.....( I am married but not in love with my husband and have lost a lot of wt and was planning a new life for myself not depending on him in any way ...he lives at home!) Any way he was always telling me how "awesome" "understanding" "amazingly perceptive" etc i am......as time went by, he always seemed to have excuses when i would try to hold him to set appts. deadlines for the music....he would make grandiose suggestions of what we could do (work out at the gym and he would show me ) go to movies...etc and in the beginning we did do things but the closer we got the more distant he became.....3 weeks ago he completely stood me up for a movie (when i changed my plans to accomidate him as he was going somewhere with mom and dad for the day....) he didnt call the next day when we were supposed to go and ignored my calls to him...a few days later he was supposed to come and help me pack some things...(his idea and i even made sure to double confirm with him and asked him "do you promise me"? and he said yes! Well, he didnt show up. the following monday a full 8 days later he came over with carrot cake as his mother had made him. HE WAS COMPLETLEY different than i had ever seen him....the walls were up...he seemed angry....didnt want that....i told him i wanted to speak to him privately outside as my son was here...he really seemed nervous and angry and avoiding.....when i told him i was upset because he had ignored me and stood me up....he accused me of "pressuring him"! i was flabbergasted because even though he did sit down and i attempted to speak calmly and directly trying to tell him that it wss hurtful when he treated me thusly....he basically tried to make me think that our relationship , our mutual attraction was entirely in my head! it was scary and shocking to see someone so out of touch...cold and foreign....he simply ws not the guy who wsa always so sweet and warm....(he has told me he was passive aggressive...his ife is f--d up and he wants to change in the past) well, that was 3 weeks ago and i have not heard from since nor has he answered my email....??? what do you think???? confused and hurt...deborah
Deborah,
First of all, I get the wanting a new life when the old one isn't working but to get involved, either physically or emotionally with another man before you have tied up the legal loose ends of a failed marriage usually does lead to confusion and hurt. Don't mean to be preachy or anything like that but when I was unhappy in my marriage I drew unhealthy people to me, looking to take advantage, and it seems that this may have been what happened to you as well.
Now to your "friend", he is not a healthy choice for you at all and his job as the whipping boy for his controlling mother seems to be the pattern of self-punishment he enjoys or he would have cut the cord long ago. He has mother issues which translates to women issues, period, end of story, he won't change for you and you do not want to go from one unhappy relationship straight into an equally screwed up situation do you?
Aim higher, get your needs figured out (marriage or divorce) and embrace the idea that if you are strong inside the passive-aggressive will run and hide! Don't accept less than what you deserve please! And, that means: Leave this man behind and move forward into your new life.
I can not believe I found this site, oh.. I need help so bad.... yes, I am also a pusher... sexually abused at 12, and bullied in school, the whole nine yards.. I don't trust people.. I build walls so very high.. I'm 43 have a 19 year old beautiful daughter who has never gotton in trouble, goes to church with me, but because she started dating a guy who's family lives "off the State". ON PURPOSE! or for CONVIENCE I could not deal with it and kicked her out... she is now living with the family living off us hard working U.S. citizens, she does work a pt job, but seldom comes home, only when she needs something of course... I just "pushed" her way further tonight... My whole life has been "helping others" and I enjoy doing it. I'm all about volunteering and helping the needy. But I personally have no friends, and always people come to me when they need something or are having problems, becuase I am a huge advocate for DD, Autism, domestic violence and any other bullying or mistreatment of others. So I have taken my bad circumstances and used that to reach out to others. But as for my life, I do not trust people, not even my own daughter.... I can't believe I just said the things I said to her.... I think I'm crazy! She is the only thing in my life that I've done good... and because I've focused my entire life on her happiness, and she obviously doesn't seem to take what I feel into consideration.. she doesn't love me, and that is what I told her.. when she said " I love you mom". I'm crazy... I've lost her... what is my purpose?
Shawn,
Your purpose in life is to stop running from your fears because they will find you no matter what and to LIVE. The pattern of helping others so you don't have to think about your own issues is very familiar to me. It is a lovely distraction but it doesn't work and sooner or later you will have to face the fact that you push people away because you either fear rejection, being hurt emotionally, being judged or being left alone in your pain. If your daughter knew which one it was then maybe she could empathize with you more and that could lead to growth for both of you.
You may be helpful to others but have you been helpful to yourself? The answer is obviously NO because you are having trouble connecting with your daughter and lack the support of friends so please consider that it is your fear of connecting with people, rather than "causes", that keeps you from growing and being open to a joyful life. Truly living takes risk and necessitates opening yourself up to potential hurt and when you work with those less fortunate there is no expectation, no true demand on you because you have a set job and they are not a part of your personal life. Your daughter is stepping out and experiencing a lifestyle you may not agree with but, quite possibly, she may feel the same about your lifestyle because it doesn't center on your own needs? Have you considered what she needs as well?
The best move would be to sit and discuss, honestly, that you fear losing her and why. I have learned that the more you push people away the more you hurt yourself so please accept that your daughter truly loves you but doesn’t understand you and the best way to support her is to find a way to love yourself so you can finally be whole and happy.
Elleasku- Thank you so much for the fast response to my post. You are so right about everything. My daughter does know of the abuse I experienced from her fathers hands. I'm back in school working on my Occupational Thearpy degree, and continue to work 2 part time jobs with the developmentally disabled. Days are very busy and stressful and with having a history of anxiety, panic attacks, depression, social anxiety and boarder line bipolor, I do have my own mental health issues to work through.. learning how to love myself, is my own personal battle within my own spirit... I hope to find the strength, becuase somedays I just don't think I can do it.... thank you, God Bless and please don't stop helping others.. like me..... :)
You are very welcome Shawn and may I add, since you included more about your personal history, consider joining a support group specifically for those with Bipolar Disorder, or even one for adult survivors of childhood abuse. Doing so could really help you relieve anxiety and social interaction avoidance issues and it could open you up to new experiences and possibly help you find new friends. Exercise and meditation help as well and I find both to be so helpful. Once you find support and comfort within a group of people the love you need to feel for yourself will come...it worked for me.
Good luck to you and remember that you are stronger than you realize.
dear Elleasku: yeah, i already knew all that....i have decided to put some more effort into my marriage as i know that my husband loves me very much. He just has asbergers syndrome and his repetitiveness in speech, lack of intelligent conversation and his social inabilities get to me as i am very social and need people. I am really thankful that i did not get more involved with this man than i did. I knew he had serious issues and needs therapy. I mistakenly thought that maybe i could help him as he seemed to want to change so much.....i know he is deeply unhappy.....but i also know that he probably will not get it.....he lives in a fantasy world. I have decided that i need to keep it as just a friendship. I have known him for 6 yrs. I think he may not even come back here as i am a very strong woman and dont need a man in my life to be happy. But my husband truly would do anything for me.....and i probably have taken that for granted...he is dull and boring, but a good man in every way and i could do much worse. I just wanted to hear your opinion of my friend. thanks so much for your time.....i appreciate your honest input.....(and i never would have gotten physically involved or dated him without first ending my marriage as i had already been completely honest and told my husband what i was feeling. i think it was the music connection that we had and my belief in his talent that drew me to him. I enjoyed our talks on philosophy/religion/people/ and music...but i am not going to pursue it. thanks again deborah
Deborah,
It is so refreshing to hear someone state that they actually talked with their spouse about doubts, concerns, feelings, disappointments and so on, before acting on their impulses. Your husband's diagnosis certainly does create a strain on your relationship and I applaud you for trying to work things out.
It does seem that maybe your friend could sense the tension in your life and was not really seeking a positive connection so much as a way to make himself finally feel in control. He controlled when he saw you and whether he was going to show up or not which is classic passive-aggressive behavior so you are wise to disengage now that you know better. Your intentions were good while his...maybe not so much.
Continue being strong and continue to strive for a genuinely contented life surrounded by positive experiences. It certainly sounds like you deserve it and I wish you well.
OK I need help! I shall try to be brief in explaining things. I am 32 years old and not been in a relationship in over 10 years. The last one almost broke me, I was in love and when he left me I was devastated. Since then I have dated but come date no 3 I would find reasons to not be with them. I would get this sick feeling in my stomach that I used to think was my intuition telling me they weren't 'THE ONE' for me. So I would bail. I would always do the same and have been doing that ever since. Now I have met a wonderful man who I like very much. He is everything I have wanted in a man. I am attracted to him and he makes me laugh. I do have feelings for him, but here is the things. I have had doubts from the beginning. Little ones, and I thought again it was my intuition telling me he wasn't right for me. But I persevered and made it past date no 3. He is very patient and understanding of my doubts/fears/anxieties and continues to do so. But everytime we take a step. I literally have a panic attack. I get this sick feeling in my stomach and I want to end things/push him away. I am scared of hurting him knowing how much he cares, of not falling in love with him, of falling in love with him! Of it not working out. I get so anxious that I can't eat/sleep and I just want to run away from him and the relationship. Here is my dilema, were these doubts/feelings I have always had with every guy just FEAR of getting hurt and therefore end gaming it before anything had a chance to develop and I am doing the same here. But it's extreme because I am in new territory and it scares the crap out of me. Or is it in fact my intuition telling me he isn't the one? I feel so lost and almost broke up with him last night because I suddenly out of nowhere panicked and just wanted to run away. I should mention that when I don't think about things and just let things be. I am very happy with him and I can feel myself falling for him hard! And I get mega flutterbees (what I call butterlies) and think WOW! But when I do think about the what ifs/where fores. I start doubting those feelings I do have for him? And keep going back to whether those doubts are intuition or fear? Please help me!?
Everyone around me, my best friend and my parents think it's I am so scared of commitement and relationships. And that if I don't try here I will never, ever get past this and be able to have a meaningful relationship. But I keep thinking about how if he is the one for me, I shouldn't be having these doubts? I'm very confused and don't know which feelings to trust! The ones I get with him when I am not worrying/thinking about things? The butterflies and happiness? Or the doubts and panics I have whenever we take the next step. ie. He recently met my parents and told me he 'had a good feeling about me'
So I guess I am asking, am I just scared to be in a relationship or is it my intuition speaking?
p.s I wrote the above very quickly while at work, so please forgive the poor structure/english and grammar. I am usually more clear annd concise.
Hi, im glad that i found this site, I addmit that i have a problem of pushing people away. I also over analize and over think everything in life and in relationships, i think the worst about things, worry and maybe too needy sometimes. I know i have a problem, but i do, Im a happy confident guy, but since i pushed this amasing girl away 3 weeks ago im down on my self and depressed, negative. This girl had everyting that i was looking for and when we first started dating everything was fantastic. She is in her last semester of school and i know how hard it, being that i went through it myself. But I realise that i pushed her away. So im lost here now, I know that i have a problem with this, just confused on how bout fixing things with myself first. Because i know that in order to move foward i have to solve the problem, if not im only in for more heartbreak and a lonely life down the road. PLEASE HELP
Confused007: From the description of your past dating history it does seem that you tend to run out of habit and exhibit a pattern of being more comfortable with doubt than discovery. By that I mean, and I speak from experience here, that you hold tight to the hurt of the last serious relationship you had and suspect every other potential serious relationship could turn out the same. You cannot apply the outcomes of the past to the experiences in the here and now because establishing a successful connection with another person takes hard work and sometimes tough times pop up.
People that live with the fear of being hurt start to believe that either they deserve it or that no one can truly be trusted with knowing who they really are. Everyone feels "less than" at times and if you want to truly connect with someone, if you want to truly stop "over-thinking" yourself out of connecting, then you will have to step up and admit to yourself, and the one you have feelings for, that no one is perfect and no relationship is all roses and hearts 24-7. To fall for the idea that "if he is the ONE I shouldn't doubt" keeps you revolving around and around in the same pattern of feeling, getting scared of feeling and then pushing people away to avoid getting hurt.
My best advice to you is something that was said to me, the thing that made me stop my battle with fear: If you trust this man enough to allow him to meet your family then why can't you trust him enough to allow him to meet the real you? Moving beyond past hurts starts with open and honest communication and the first person you need to be honest with is yourself. Do you push people away because of something they have actually done or is it because of something you fear they MIGHT do? That is no way to live and if this man feels good about you then please start feeling good about yourself so you don't miss a potentially wonderful moment in life.
@Jim:
We tend to over think in relationship settings in order to avoid having to think about what isn't working inside of ourselves. You state that you pushed a wonderful woman away just when she was on the verge of successfully completing a wonderful milestone in her life rather than sharing it with her. I have to ask about your true motivation because I always strive to be honest and to the point so, was this action taken because you feared she would dump you once she succeeded or was it because you feared you didn't measure up somehow? Sorry to be blunt but as a former "pusher" myself I know that these feelings exist and that they do shape the actions of those afraid of being hurt.
In order to be comfortable in a relationship you really must be comfortable with yourself and that starts with becoming a whole person, one who is content with who they are and what they think, feel and need in order to just BE. This cannot be obtained from another person; it is something you must work for, just like your former girlfriend was doing in working toward her educational degree. The same analogy applies in that you have to invest in yourself and set goals that involve learning more about what makes you feel content so that fear loses it power over you.
Jim, it doesn't happen overnight and the work is hard but unless you are willing to take on your demons, because you are sick and tired of letting fear rule you, the cycle of pushing will continue. You have already proven that you can attract a wonderful person to you and good attracts good so take that with you on your journey toward clarity because it will happen again so PLEASE do not ignore the lesson.
Thanks for replying to me, I have been trying to figure this out for a while now, I have this fear in me that i would lose her, and i tried to hide the fear from her, but when she told me that she need some time for school i took it 2 heart and felt like she didnt want to be with me. When we first started dating the roles were reversed i was confident and she was insecure because she has a fear that i would hurt her, We were together for 1 year and it was great, So now i realize that i have a problem with fear, but i also dont know if being worryied all time and over analizing and over think every thing and i sweat the small stuff, does that all tie into everything, I dont know if there is something underling here an i just havent found it yet.I know that i a very sucessful person in my business side of my life, but my social skills and life need some help, so is there anything i can work on besides my self ( i know i come first). My biggest thing i know is that i need to do this now because i want to enjoy life before it passes me by.
@Jim, you are very welcome and I think you already know what you need to work on. The problem with emotional pushers is that the curse of the self-fulfilled prophecy takes precedent in almost every situation where over-analysis and worry is applied. If you think a negative outcome will occur then that inner negativity sends out bad vibes far and wide, making it clear to others that a connection with you will probably not work out. You didn't have to say a word because your inner struggle was probably very apparent.
The first step to building social skills is self-awareness...be very conscious of how others may perceive you. Smiling people attract smiling people and likewise, frowning, negative people draw insecure, sad, needy people in. Be aware of any negative inner dialogue and work to reduce and defuse it because it is the negativity that feeds fear and keeps it alive.
Good luck to you and I hope you do get to realize your goal of an enjoyable life...it is possible.
I just want to say that this has helped me so much. It has made me realize conflicts within myself that I knew existed but could not quite put my finger on. I had one relationship in high school that failed without me understanding why. I was head over heels for this person and I felt that I must be the reason and it was all my fault that he suddenly changed his mind. I have had many people who have been interested in me since then, and I feel like every guy with good intentions I find some excuse for why I can't like them. My friends call me over analytical and every single thing that happens I analyze even when there is nothing to analyze. Every time I feel myself start to like someone I shut down and push them away. I fear getting hurt again. Recently Ive been really working on my inner struggle and I found a guy who I just liked being around and had fun being with, but lately now that it has the potential for being serious, I have started to think of things that bother me about him, and I dont know if it is because they actually are annoying me or if i am making them up because I dont want to let anyone get to close and trust anyone with my heart again? I actually told him i was scared to death of getting hurt again, and i feel that now i have made him nervous and i think he actually believes he has hurt me in some way because i have been distancing myself, when that is not the case. I dont want to hurt him by continuing to lead him on or make him think hes doing something wrong, because I know what that pain feels like. So i think i will talk to him about this, but im afraid if i explain to him about the root of my fears and my behavior, he might see me as complicated or too much work, when in reality i think all i really want is some reassurance and confidence to trust him by him accepting me with my fears with the hope that together I will let them go and he will help me move on...
@Molly,
Speaking openly and honestly about your fears with a potential romantic partner is always the wisest thing. Does it always work the way we imagine it should? No, but in order to be in a great relationship it is essential that each person feel that they can speak freely...without this the relationship cannot grow.
Be honest with yourself: wouldn't you rather find out now, how someone you may want to spend your life with, reacts to the real you? If they can't deal with you at your most vulnerable then they certainly don't deserve to have you at your best. It is a matter of give and take so in order to gain a feeling of reassurance and trust you have to open yourself up and make it clear that the intent isn't to scare him off but to include him in your world. Never assume what he may or may not think because assumptions with out verbal follow-up and direct confirmation usually turn out to be false. When in doubt...ASK.
Good luck and I have a feeling that clarity and peace will find you.
I came upon your site while trying to figure out what has been going on with a girl I was dating. She would be fine one day, she'd be open, she'd kiss me, and everything would be normal, but the next day, almost as if to punish me, or punish herself for getting close to me she would start being distant. The distance would last for a few days and the things would be normal again. That was up until three weeks ago. She had been acting distant ever since we spent time together on that thursday night, I wanted to talk to her about it, and find out what was going on, and how I could help. We went on a walk and she proceeded to tell me that she pushes people away and that she has no faith in relationships of any kind, and that this would never work anyway. She has told me these same things before, and warned me that one day she would run, but for some reason I didn't expect it. I don't know how to deal with this, I just don't understand. We still talk, and some days she will seem normal, but then others she will push and push and push, she will be mean...anyway, I'm not sure what to do. I love this girl, she means the world to me, I want to help but I don't know how. Anyone I talk to tells me I should just run. But I can't. I don't want to. She is something special. Any advice.
I found this site while trying to get some info on what my boyfriend is going through. I'm the love of his life, he never wants to lose me, and I'm the only girl who ever made him think about marriage and a family. We were talking about engagement. After a year of dating he asked for a break so we've been apart for 2 months. We talked often for a month and he asked if I found a new boyfriend and it took me by surprise, almost made me angry. A week after that, he very sadly told me that he loved me and didn't want to be without me. Stopped talking for almost 2 weeks, talked for a few days but I haven't heard from him in a few. Around the break he hinted that more personal issues came up, family ones I knew about and small things that were building up. He moved out a month ago and problems with a new roommate is adding more stress, he hasn't been himself since around the time we separated and admitted that he doesn't like me not being around. He says he doesn't want to be together because he's not a good person or good enough, despite the fact that he's very helpful, protective, caring and has taken excellent care of me and others. I ask him why he thinks so he says because he is and never gives a real explanation. He also told me that he changed but can't tell me how but I know that the people he deals with have a bad affect on him. He's such a loving person but he has people around him that he doesn't consider friends because they treat him bad but he's cut most of them off many times and I try to tell him that they're going to keep coming back and hurting him because he's letting them back in his life. He can tell them when they wrong him but can't follow through even though he's given me great advice and helped me through things like that. He's too scared that he will let me down and thinks that since he means so much to me that he will hurt me even more if he does. I think he doesn't think he does enough for me even though he's helped me grow so much. I just want to be there for him but he's not letting me and I've seen how much happier he is out of this bad environment. I don't want to be added to the list of people that give up on him, especially since he told me early in our relationship not to. I'm the one that he knows is there no matter what and I get pushed away but the people that should be pushed away are still around. Something tells me that I can't give up on him though. I'm so lost and it hurts, I don't know what to do anymore. Ideas on anything?
I have gone through and read basically all of these and have found out that i have a disorder. Ambivelent Attachment Disorder. i am with an amazing woman and i keep doing things to push her away. she tells me that she loves me all the time and most of the time i say "i don't believe you" or "no you don't". why would you say that if you love me she would say. honestly, i didn't know. i would just try to turn things around like our arguements are her fault when all along i'm just kidding myself. i talk myself into believing that she doesn't love me and is going to leave me. she moved down from 4 hours away just to be with me and this still isn't enough proof to me that she is totally in love with me. she has even stated that she would marry me. i just want to feel normal and have a wonderful relationship that lasts a lifetime. i honestly want to treat her like my princess and know that i feel i can if these thought would stay out of my head. if i only knew that she feels the same for me as i do her. i believe her but don't feel it. i am glad that i finally know what is wrong with me, but hate the fact that i have it. this is the woman i want to be with forever. i just wish i could act like it 100% of the time. i'm afraid our last fight (started by me for no reason again and blamed on her) might have been the last straw for her. everything she says to me about what i'm doing and how i'm acting is so true and i've just been blind to it all. to busy pointing a finger in the wrong direction. if you love somone so much, why would you treat them as if you hate them at times? i have the oppertunity to be with the best woman in the world. i need to kick this dissorder before i'm alone to deal with my self pitty. i always thought of myself as a strong man, but am realising it is all a front or coverup of all of my insecurities.
@Elleasku
Thank you so much for your response! It really has helped and I even went to see my Doctor to ask to see someone about talking through my emotions, why I constantly analyse/question my feelings/actions. I won't lie and say the doubts magically disappeared. Sometimes they do rear their head at times of stress or like at the moment, while I am helping my best friend through a painful breakup. The strange thing is I am not sitting there consciously thinking 'Oh god look how much pain she is in, maybe I shouldn't be going out with my guy, I don't want to go through that again....'
In fact I haven't been thinking about it at all. But I wake up with those nervous knots back again? Is it possible that sub consciously my mind is remembering what my break up was like and putting up barriers? Hence bringing back the doubts/nervous knots?
On the plus side I can report that things with me and my guy are much more relaxed now that I know these doubts were in fact a pattern and not my intuition about him being the one. I realise I won't know that until I really let go and let him in. I am still scared of NOT falling in love with him though...and find myself questioning why I haven't? How long should I wait till I move on if I don't? I just can't help it. But I AM going to work through this and enjoy the man I have right now as he is amazing to me, I have been totally honest and open with him about all of this and he is so patient and understanding. I am trying to let him see the real me and try to open my heart to him. So thank you again, I keep it with me to re-read in moments where I find myself returning to the pattern and it really does help me put things in perspective. :D x
@J: First and foremost, I am sorry that you are on the receiving end of an emotional pusher. It is painful to watch and feel, especially when you are as close to the epicenter as you have been. Sadly, I cannot tell you how to cure or otherwise distract the woman you love into behaving differently because this is a battle she needs to take on for herself. You cannot conquer a fear that does not belong to you just like you cannot fight a battle that isn't yours...it is hers and all you can do is encourage her.
She pushes because she is afraid and that fear comes from the past not the present so, in other words you had nothing to do with it so please do not tolerate meanness directed your way. You don't deserve that no matter how difficult her past relationships may have been and take to heart the fact that you cannot fix her no matter how much you want to. Continue talking but absolutely DO NOT tolerate cruel/mean behavior from her because by not calling her on her actions she will never be aware enough of them to want to change anything.
I applaud you for wanting to find help for her and wish you the best because not everyone can see past the negative to find the special qualities that emotional pushers try so hard to hide...her mask must have slipped that day!
@Lost: There are times in life when we encounter people that just aren't emotionally healthy enough to maintain a goal directed relationship: one that involves making plans for the future. It does sound like he voluntarily pushed you away because he feared you would leave him hence the passive-aggressive question about whether you already found a new boyfriend. That was designed and asked purposely so that if your answer was "yes" then he would feel justified in pushing you out of his life. By saying he isn't good enough for you he is hinting that this is a personal issue he struggles with but it also says that he isn't ready to seek the help he needs for himself. I will repeat this until I am blue in the face: An emotional pusher has to want to help themselves and has to want to change their negative view of life; no one else can fix them. You may be able to see all of the things he does that cause additional pain but unless he realizes, FULLY, what he is doing and WHY then nothing will change.
He keeps those unhealthy people around because they feed into his feelings of being unworthy and pushes away those who are more positive because in his mind he will never deserve anything good so why really try? It is the negative inner dialogue that keeps him stuck and unable to believe good things can last because this is all he has ever known apparently. It is frustrating to watch but you cannot save him from himself and I think you know that. You can be supportive without having to accept a flawed relationship or the back and forth, "I want you but don't deserve you" behavior. This man may love you and may wish he could be healthy enough to be with you but unless and until he starts to love himself nothing will change. I wish you the best and please look out for your own best interest in this situation.
@n8thomps: I posted an answer to the question you posed to me but will restate, in brief, here: Disorder of not, it is fear that keeps you floundering and it has nothing to do with the woman in your life. We push people away because we fear being hurt, being exposed as insecure, being forced to trust another person enough to show them how we really are and once that is done we fear that who we really are won't be accepted.
If you talk yourself into believing things that aren't true and you realize they aren't true then the first question you need to ask yourself is WHY? Until you figure out what it was that occurred in your past that is now casting a dark cloud on your present day life then you can only expect to do more pushing over and over.
Before you declare you have a disorder my suggestion would be to actually find the courage to run it by a therapist for direct confirmation, never assume anything. Even if you do have this disorder that still doesn't mean you have no control over your life and are too ambivalent to change. Ambivalence would suggest that you just don't care but if you take the time to post a comment on here then it is apparent you do have the ability to recognize something isn't right and want to do something different because you can recognize love when you see it.
I know that I can't think for him but it just bothers me that he used to be so happy and confident. I believe his breaking point was not being in school this semester due to a late financial problem that wasn't his fault and out of his hands. He didn't receive any support from his family who could easily afford to help him, the I'm a good student who tries to do well but my younger sibling who gets bad grades and is constantly in trouble gets whatever they want scenario. One family member who he's always had problems with pretty much told him that he was useless and threatened to put him out and I really believe it got to him this time. I'm really the only one who could at least talk to him but I haven't really had a conversation with him about hurting himself so maybe I could try that because I know he's always had a little trouble with seeing an end result but not really knowing how to to get there, even with smaller things. I can see small glimmers that some things I say to him actually stick and he expresses more and more that he's sick of the way things are going, I'm just hoping that this means he's getting closer.
Dear Lost,
The picture you paint of this man/boy seems a bit different now, as it usually does when we romanticize about how we wish things were. There is no doubt that you have feelings for him and that he has good points but when he chooses to distance himself and surrounds himself with influences that are questionable it would appear that the issue is deeper than just him being down because his family won't help him pay for school. I sense that his issues with his family and their verbal put-downs and general disregard may be the real root of his self-confidence problem.
When his own family kicks him when he is down then there is no doubt that his self-worth and esteem would take a hit as well and I am thinking that this pattern possibly has occurred more than once over the years. That pain adds up and anyone else in the same position would also have trouble connecting with others, even those willing to help them.
It is hard to know how to deal with someone who won't tell you what is really going on but if you are invested in being supportive then keep talking, keep being positive and keep in mind that this will be a long process. Good luck and he is lucky to have you on his side.
I've kisses a lot of frogs and found every excuse ion the book to push each one away the pne I really loved I pushed away the hardest with mistake upon mistake, convinced he was to good for me. I drempt up wild storys visions of insecurity and threw them at him like a psycho juggler. After long I got him to believe. He was too good for me and ow I'm just an empty shell of love missing my main ingrediant...him! I have made sexual endevors extreemly strange and ward off men with over thinkibng trying to seem unneedy in over extreem ways. I'm quite embaressed of my behavior of my life. Yet its all got me wondering where it has all come from...is it my father issues? Ugh idk I just want fixed!
@kylee22: Here is the thing; you know that what you are doing isn't the right thing to do because it has caused you to search out advice on the Internet. It seems you are smart enough to question the connection between your issues with your dad as they may relate to your issues with your boyfriend so, the next logical step would be to delve further into your history. That takes some courage because most people just want to be told how to fix themselves without having to actually work at finding out how they got "broken" (off track really) in the first place. Every feeling and act of insecurity comes from within and is triggered by past trauma which can be as harsh as physical and verbal abuse and as seemingly inane as having a father that just wasn't there for you. Each person places a different value on hurt but the thing that remains the same is that we all have moments in our past that pop up to interfere with our current life.
If you want to stop the behavior you have to isolate the source and then work to let it go so that a man will have the chance to get close enough to you to have a relationship. Feeling unworthy of love is usually the dominating factor in an emotional pusher’s life and no amount of pretending will hide that so please check into any type of talk therapy you can find whether it is fee based or freely offered in your community. Talking with friends and family is great but quite frankly, those "ah-ha" moments seem to come quicker when the lesson is being presented by an unbiased individual that hasn't been around you all your life. You can do this and good luck!
how do u know and see the complicated things in each person!? its so cool
@dana: Well, I could say that I am psychic but the truth is that after being on this earth for 41 years, dealing with many of the same things most of the other posters on here have confessed, I see a part of myself in them. I also feel the need to respond in a manner that is both empathetic and honest because to fully understand that you are not alone is the best starting point for positive change.
Life isn't as complicated as people make it out to be and in that same token; people aren't really that hard to understand either but, you have to listen to what they are really saying. After a few years of talk therapy I figured out what I was doing to hold myself back and I worked to turn that thinking around. Now, I can deduce the same in others by looking back at my own missteps. It is completely based on my own life experience and by taking cues from the information people are brave enough to post on here. That takes guts and I respect it enough to give it my all when I answer.
Im only pretty young at 23 however seem to throw noy just relationships away but friendships aswell. The last relationship which i ended earlier in the year was a disaster from the beginning. I felt unworthy and undeserving, not to mention too messed up in my mind and pushed her away at every opportunity until it wasnt fair on her anymore.
The silence you mention is one of my biggest fears because i fear im not sufficient company or they have nothing to say to me so it must not be right. I hate being close to anyone i think because of being judged and then finding im not enough so id rather end it myself. I fear my walls will never fall or maybe subconsciously dont even want them to i just don't know anymore?
I guess everyones fear is being alone and dyeing alone but i wonder if it would be best for all concerned if that was true for me.
P.s i adore all of your blogs and you! Best find on the inet.
@Phil, thank you for the praise but what I would rather hear is that you adore yourself and strive to be the best because you know you deserve it.
Yes, people fear being alone, fear being a disappointment, fear being less than what anyone else would want but don't you see that fears typically exist in the imagination rather than reality? If you constantly live inside your own head, listening to the negative inner dialogue, using fear as an excuse to keep from living in the outside world, then how could you ever hope to have a positive relationship?
I have said this before and I will keep saying it: look inside, see what isn't working and then make it the main, number one goal to build yourself back up for YOU. The fears will keep you alone and the walls will keep the fears closed in around you until you decide to release that which isn't working.
You are only 23 and far too young to be so fatalistic so use the time you have on your side to take your life off of pause. Concentrate on you; seek whatever type of emotional support you can get whether it be a therapist, support group or even family. Anything to help you see that you have the power to turn your life around and should not, under any circumstances, check out of the game now.
It is so nice to read this...you have great advice and I'm so glad you got out of this funk the rest of us are stuck in. I was never ever a "pusher" before... but recently, I've met a guy who literally is everything I've wanted in a man.. He has everythign the others didn't... treats me great... Reassures me he loves me *where as past lovers I always questioned in my head and felt insecure about the relationship* ... But now, all of a sudden, I'm pulling back. I can't figure out why.I don't want to. He's great... I just want to be happy...... and i read your advice, and it makes sense... But I don't know HOW to go about doing it... I don't want to lose this guy but I don't know if I can ever give him the love that he gives to me....
@Laura: People aren't born emotional pushers; they learn to do this as a way to keep from getting hurt at any moment in life. For whatever reason you may feel that if you give all of yourself to this man then he will change into the "others" you have known. It is a matter of trust and have you considered that maybe, having an honest conversation with this man may alleviate your concerns and also strengthen your relationship? If he makes you feel different than you have felt with other men, because of how he treats you, then build on that by opening up the lines of honest communication. Never assume anything or ask questions only in your head...the answers are never positive. Just ask...out loud!
When we over think in situations that are only meant to be enjoyed we lose out. Let this man love you and make room in your head to entertain the notion that you are worth the effort.
hi; i read most of your comments and ideas about pushing people away. i am 61 years old and i have not a friend in the world;i am a man if that matters;no one calls to say hello or to see how i am doing except my siblings and then it's mostly about family problems or concerns.i am sick of being called by my siblings only to discuss negative or family problems as if that is the only thing i want to talk about.noone ever drops in."my wife has 6 married sisters and i have not ben able to form a bond with any of their 6 husbands although i have tried so very'very'very hard.i also have 4 sisters and 3 brothers and have not also been able to form any kind of meaningful bond with any of their husbands or wives either. .i guess the common denoninator is ME.i get this feeling that i am not socially needed in this world;in other words;i have nothing to offer people so they want to keep coming back to get more of whatever it is that is required to be socially enjoyed and needed;i feel i have nothing to offer i feel.i consider myself to be intelligent;kind;considerate;mannerly;helpful;plea;sant to be around;helpful whenever someone needs something done for them;etc.i feel so confused and sad and sometimes wish that god would just take me ;maybe he has a place for me and would show me some love and caring.i have a 4 year old grandson;a mother who is 87 and i feel that they keep me going on from day to day.i truly believe that not everyone in this universe is needed by people.there is something about us people that makes us unattractive socially so people will just move on to the next person who can give them that something that makes them feel good.i guess all of mankind lives in a selfish way of sorts-in other words "if you have something that makes me feel good then i will hang out with you;if not goodbye".that has been the story of my long battle with loneliness.Mother Theresa said that the greatest poverty(and she knew real poverty)in this world today is loneliness and it is on the rise.i believe this to be true because of all of the technology and the enormous amount of time it takes to run this technology-noone has time to speak-everybody is texting and emailing ;etc.noone tries to get to know their next door neighbour anymore. i am retired-my wife still works-and i try to fill my time with "things" to do.i actually try and convince myself that as long as i am busy,busy,busy then i am happy but that is as far from the truth as you can get.what i crave and need is a buddy;someone who "really" cares about me as a person and how i'm feeling.about 4 months ago i told a friend?;or maybe he's merely a good aquaintance of 30 years that i was feeling down and was going through a hard time.he has not called me to chat or inquire about how i'm feeling and now i'm questioning what kind of friendship? we have had over these 30 long years.it's as if i have nothing "good" to offer to make him feel good then what's the point of calling me?sorry for the long post.
@John: In reading your comment my first thought was that you are obviously dealing with more than just "feeling down" and an underlying depression may be at play. Over the years your family has seemingly used you as the sounding board for family issues and concerns since, just maybe, you may have appeared to be the one strong enough to take on all of that? The longer you listened the more they thought they could place one you but after a while it takes a toll and this seems to be the case since it has caused you to pull away socially. You may not realize this but being the “problem dumping ground” does make people go inward and that creates an invisible wall between us and the “living world”, a wall that makes others pull away from us in the same measure. When we take on the problems of others all the time it takes away from the time we need to deal with our own and that can cause a depressive state because solutions become a hopeless dream with so much loaded on top of you.
Men, unfortunately, often get treated like the strong, silent anchors that never feel sad and never need to just talk but as you are finding out now, connection with another human being is the best life preserver. Would it shock your family too much if you just came out and said, "I need to talk about my personal concerns for a few moments so can you listen to me for once?" Women are often put forth as the poster-child for those that can't ask for what they need but men do this also and while you may think you have tried to make connections with others could it be possible that those around you need a more direct approach? I am just throwing out suggestions here because you seem to honestly want to connect so please consider using the age-old stereotype that once people are past a certain age then they can pretty much just say whatever they feel like...start with how you really feel. If reaching out to a male friend isn't working (they may not be comfortable hearing about the problems of others because it highlights their own) then you may have to consider that the person you should start with is your wife. If that doesn't work and other family members aren't receptive then would it be too much to consider seeking out a therapist? Granted, you would be paying them to listen but, in my experience, having an unbiased listener point out things that I hadn't considered made all of the difference!
John, if you really didn't have anything to offer people then your family would not come to you seeking advice but my point here is that sometimes you cannot wait for someone to ask you how you are feeling, you have to take the lead for yourself because you deserve a positive change. If everything you have done in the past didn't work then move on to something different; volunteer for any agency or group that offers you a chance to be around a new group of people. Do anything that gets you off of the depressive merry-go-round you are currently on because it sounds like you have a lot to offer this world whether you believe it or not.
you are awesome (the author)
@zpap: Thank you! :)
I feel totally confused at the moment and would really appreciate some guidance. As you know from my previous post I started seeing someone for the first time in 10 years after years of rejecting any guy that came along after 3 dates. It's been 4 months with my first boyfriend of 10 years and for a while after my first post, when I let go and stopped over analysing/over thinking/questioning my feelings I was happy and enjoyed being with him. I am now however going from thinking that I could be falling for him because when we kiss I get flutterbees and a kind of flip in my heart. But then I will start to question why I don't miss him when he is not around? Why I'm not excited to see him? Shouldn't I be in love with him by now? And then doubt my feelings for him? Convincing myself that maybe I was never attracted him in the first place. I am now in a state of turmoil as I have told him I need time to figure out if I want to stay with him or not. I feel so confused....I genuinely don't know what my feelings are towards him! I know when I am not over analysing anything we are very happy and laugh lots and I definitely feel something towards him. But I can't help thinking and questioning 'Will I fall in love with him?' 'When will I know?' and 'if I am not in love with him yet, why?' Is it fair to continue with him when I am so confused over what it is I feel for him? This latest anxiety attack occurred when he mentioned his visa application interview was soon and that instead of going to LA, he was going to stay, making his base here (UK) and fly out as and when as he didn't want to lose me. I suddenly felt like all this pressure was on me. That he was going to make a huge gamble and mistake because of me, when I don't even know what my feelings are towards him and now I'm thinking of ending it. :( I feel so lost and confused. I really have no clue what to do!? My doubts over my feelings towards him have always been there from the beginning, but is it fear and I'm just pushing him away or is it because he is not right for me? I do like him, I enjoy his company and he knows all of the above as we have always been open and communicated with each other. He is very understanding and says he will give me time to decide what I want but that he doesn't want to lose me :(
Please help? Confused007
Elleasku,
First of all, thank you so much for being that shoulder so many of us need. I was laying in bed, crying, feeling hopeless about my track record, and not knowing what to do. A simple google search led me to this and I am so thankful. I will start by telling you that I am 24 years old, and have yet to have even 1 semi successful relationship in my life. I, like most other people here, suffered abuse of all kinds as a child and teenager. My parents were both drug addicts, who dropped me off for days at a time with random strangers, my father was never a huge part of my life. I have battled with my weight my whole life, and when i was 17, i was in a relationship with a man who was both physically and sexually abusive. So, to get to the point of me writing. I don't know what to do. I have been on and off with one person the last 4 1/2 years, never exclusive with each other, and more of a booty-call type situation than anything else. I allowed myself to fall for him, and wanted a relationship, and he wanted "fun". We recently started seeing each other again after not talking for more than a year. He made a point to do things differently this time. Not sleeping together right away, going and doing things together, including himself in my life, creating relationships with my family members, all the things i wanted from him in the past, and i still pushed him away. I told him i didnt see a future with him, and i didnt want to get hurt. Which of course is a lie. I just wanted him to beg me not to leave, to stay and love him forever.. yada yada yada. But.. I dont know what to do now. I feel this man could very well be "the one". He knows all my insecurities, both physical and emotional, and he has always been very patient and careful with my heart, but everyone has their breaking point. I saw the pain in him when he told me that he knows he can never make me completely happy because i need too much.
I dont want to be alone forever. I know i need to start loving myself.. Every bit of advice you have given.. i say "yea, i know i need to do that".. but its just a matter of not knowing HOW, and fearing that it is too late with this relationship. For myself, getting in shape is probably my best starting point, and i have already started that, but.. how do i deal with these emotional issues on my own. I am not at a point in my life where seeing a therapist is financially possible, but i cant go on being like this. I spend more and more time at home in pajamas. My most meaningful conversations usually come from my 4 year old nephew!! Are there any books, anything that i can do on my own to begin changing myself and healing myself. I used to only push men away, but since I pushed away this guy, I have began pushing away all the other people in my life that i usually turn to, friends, family, etc. What should I do?
Thank you in advance!
Nichole
I have been so deeply moved by all these comments as i've been going through the same things all my adult life.
I'm really good at the beginnings of a relationship but as soon as things start to get serious i automatically run for the exit.
I always look for the negatives and just when the relationship becomes meaningful i destroy it, lying to myself by thinking that we are not compatible or that i would be better off alone or with someone new. By doing this i never have to face up to the reality of feeling rejected myself. I know i am missing out and it's always with hindsight that i realize what i've done.
I had serious rejection issues with my dad when i was young and i have always wondered if this may have affected my attitudes to the people who get close to me. I hope i find the strength to change things.
I have been in a relationship with a lady for two years now and I still cant get her to stop pushing me away and so many times i ask myself ''What am I still doing here'' But I stay with her because i know there is a good side to her as well. But it gets really hard some times and I guess she cant control it. It is like these exact words where from her mouth.
I will try to post a reply to all of the recent posts and hope I don't miss anyone. The holiday season brings different challenges to everyone and some bask in the glow of family togetherness and others dread forced socialization and I: Overdo it and then hibernate but now I am back : )
@Confused007: The man you are with is a free thinking adult right? He has the ability to make decisions for himself obviously so please do not take on the notion that he is basing all of his actions on his feelings for you. That is a huge responsibility to place on yourself especially when you don't know for a fact that this is what he is doing without asking, point blank, "Are you only staying for me or are you doing this also to improve your life as a whole?" At this point all I can ask is please consider that you may be using your fears to keep from "feeling" deeper than the surface and it is the continued focus on your fears that will affect any relationship you may have no matter who you are with? Would it not also be reasonable to think that you can't "feel" (miss or be excited about things) because of underlying depression/anxiety and not because of this man at all?
@Nichole24: Yes, therapy can be expensive but there may be free support groups in your area that could offer you the proper "real life" push to see yourself outside of the realm of self doubt and fear. My response about the relationship issue is that until you can be honest enough to tell him the same things you posted here and are honest enough to realize that a fear of being alone isn't a good enough reason to be in a relationship then no, the current situation you are in won't work. Focus on yourself right now; get out of bed, work out, just move, move, move until the negative garbage no longer has room in your head. It works, I did it and it is free...no gym membership needed because you have legs that move right? It is a proven fact that moderate exercise on a regular basis not only helps you tone up but it also improves your mental outlook and mood. When we sit and stew in the trash from the past no progress is made in any part of our lives. Be your own best friend and you will draw positive people toward you...that is another fact. Good luck to you and my thoughts are with you.
@elementsofman: You seem to be on the verge of self enlightenment because you stated all of the "causes" of your behavior in relationships. The key now is to take what you know and be honest about what you can do to change it. No one will come into your life with the magical power to make you see yourself as you really are and have that be okay...that is your job. Everyone has flaws, no shocker there but what many don't get is that those "flaws" are merely doors to self improvement and NOT roadblocks. Open the doors and the fear of rejection will dissipate...guaranteed. People that push others away fear being human, fear being honest and fear being vulnerable. Vulnerability isn't a weakness it is the ultimate gift of honesty and what makes love grow in relationships...start by being vulnerable/honest with yourself.
@Andreas: I commend you for educating yourself on the ways of the emotional pusher. My first major point will be to tell you that YES she can control it she just doesn't have the will to yet. If you have the courage to do so, call her on being a pusher and tell her she can feel safe telling you why she does this. Emotional pushers only stop when they feel safe enough (or tired in my case) to confess their own fears to themselves first and then they gather the courage to confess to others. That release alone is the only thing that puts a stop to irrational behavior. Truth sets people free and if she can do this for herself then you may have a chance but if she won't then you are going to keep getting hurt by her behavior. My suggestion would be to look out for yourself and to also be honest with her about how her behavior makes you feel. Good luck to you.
This is kind of long but something I would appreciate your advice on. I recently lost the one person I have every truly connected with on every level humanly possible. We met online and spent the better part of a year getting to know one another. We talked all the time and really found that we shared so many values, thoughts, and personality quirks. We became ridiculously close and we both kept telling one another we had never felt this way before or this comfortable with someone. We met after she finished an important test she had been studying for, which was the main reason we had spent the time talking before meeting. After meeting it was even better than it was when we were just getting to know one another. We saw each other once a week as we are both extremely busy and live a decent distance apart. From the very beginning she told me she had a tendency to push people away, and I had no idea what that meant until later on.
Her father had cheated on her mother when she was young and they ended up getting divorced when she was five. It appears her father was kind of absentee after that and would never show up when he said he would, which I guess was really once or twice a year at best. Finally as a teen she told him to take a hike and never come back into her life. He obliged and she has had no contact with him since.
We dated for about two months and everything was going great. I met her family and they loved me and teased her about some type of plan they had for us. We decided to commit to an exclusive relationship and talked about how nothing could ever be awkward between us. Sadly that all crashed very quickly. Two days after that conversation I went to her house for a weekend together we had planned. Friday and Saturday morning were absolutely amazing.
Saturday afternoon we went shopping for her mothers birthday present and everything was great until I made one comment. She said something to the effect of I was great to go shopping with because I let her do her own thing and at the same time would make good suggestions. I for some insane reason off handedly stated that I had been engaged before. She questioned that and I even more insanely stated that it had been twice. I swore we had talked about it at some point as we had talked about everything else.
From that moment forward our relationship was as dead as it had been amazing prior to that moment. We went back to her house and went our own ways to study and got back together later in the night and watched a movie. She pushed me away before laying there with me and not being affectionate. That evening we held each other but it was awkwaard and uncomfortable. The next morning I got up and we watched some TV without really talking but we did hold each other and she pushed into me. Finally it was time for me to go and I asked her what changed between Friday and Sunday, as it was clear she was not really into me anymore. She stated we moved too quick and she got scared but did not really go into it more.
From that point forward we never really spoke like we did in the past. We would talk once a week and it was generally quick and ok but nothing about us. We went out every other week (which was only twice more). After going out with her the first time after that weekend everything was fine and maybe a little less affectionate than it traditionally was, but we talked and had a good time together and we spent the hour each way from my house to hers on the phone having a good time as well. Then we went back to this no contact thing. I called her that Wednesday as she was going away for a week and figured I would never hear from her. I was near her house for work and though we could have dinner which I had texted her earlier. She answered the phone all pissed off and like you called. She decided she couldn't see me and was quick with me, so I demanded she speak with me for a couple of minutes.
The conversation was twenty minutes total and basically she said she wanted to start over as friends and let the walls she had put up come down. I kind of forced the issue and said it was more than just being scared about moving too fast and she agreed and brought up the engagements. She half heartedly asked me to explain what had happened but did not give me the time to respond. We ended that call as we would finish the conversation tomorrow which we did not. But we also decided we wouldn't change our status together.
While she was away I emailed her a very long detailed explanation of what wen ton with the prior two relationships, which she later told me she never read.
When she came back we talked for like an hour as if nothing had ever happened and she asked if I was still going with her and her family to something that weekend. I agreed and she seemed happy.
That night we went out with her family was the most uncomfortable I have ever been in my life. She positioned people between us the whole night, they kept moving as they did not want to be between us. She refused to make eye contact or physical contact. The night ended with her giving me some odd hug, so I kissed her. We then got drinks out of her moms house where I kissed her again, and as I was leaving she finally kissed me.
We then went back to not talking until the next Friday when again everything was perfectly normal. The next day I texted her I was going to be down there to go golfing and thought we should get together for coffee. She ignored it aall day and I finally just asked via text to tell me what was going on. She said we could talk then but that she could not get together. Basically we broke up on the call and she kept talking about the walls she had put up and she now didn't feel the chemistry. I agreed with her and said I understood how after putting up walls it would be hard to feel anything. She then said we should start as friends and let the walls come down and try again. I told her I did not know I could do that right now and she told me she would leave it in my court to reach out and start again.
It has now been about two months since then and I have reached out twice. The first was instant messaging which was short and weird. The second was a letter stating how I understood what happened and would give her space and time to reduce the barriers between us but that her friendship meant a lot to me and I wanted her in my life. I then called her on Christmas Eve just to wish her well and see how she was. She called me back the day after Christmas and we talked for about an hour about nothing but it was good and we were both upbeat and it was like we had seen each other yesterday. Every time she tried to get off the phone she would start a new conversation so it was good.
Now my thing is she obviously knows she has a tendency to push people away and I am trying to show that I am supportive and am not going to go running. At the same time I do not want to be needy and clingy forcing her to push me further away. I am not sure what to do and how to proceed. I am not sure cutting total contact makes sense in this case because she has a fear of people abandoning her and in return pushes people who get close away. At the same time I am not sure how she feels and if me contacting her every couple of weeks will just drive her further away. Any advice someone who also has experience with this could share would be great.
@Scottie: You have a scared young woman on your hands that fears letting anyone see her real self and the basis of these fears have nothing to do with you. It sounds like she has major trust issues and by using the "I push people away" disclaimer she announced, loud and clear, before you even really got started that she would eventually find some fault (2 interrupted engagements)as an excuse to exit before her heart got too involved. This has nothing to do with you or the engagements really and no matter how gallant, understanding and supportive you are it will never be enough to push through the self-imposed walls she uses as a shield to keep from getting hurt unless she chooses to let go and trust.
To an emotional pusher the only way to keep from getting hurt is to never give your heart, to never let your guard down, to never feel period because people who feel get lied to and they get left. She judges all present relationships by what happened to her at the hands of her father and sadly, you just happened to walk into the middle of the inner war she has going on with her self esteem and her past. To be abandoned by a parent rips apart any self esteem a normal person would possess so the work she needs to do involves putting that hurt into perspective and understanding that all men are not like her father and she deserves to both love and be loved.
The only advice I can give you is to continue being considerate and make contact when appropriate but to also be firm in what you will not tolerate. In other words, do not be a doormat for this woman to wipe her feet on when the truth gets too tough for her. You do not have to walk on egg shells because a real relationship is comprised of two people who communicate both their needs and fears to one another and work to find a safe common ground on which to reside together. If she isn't ready to let go of her fear then there is not much you can do to force it but I will say that by being honest with her and saying how she makes you feel when she pushes would be the kindest thing you could do.
Elleasku,
Your words are so inspiring. I have felt so alone for the longest time and it took this article to open up my eyes for the first time. I push away every single person that cares about me. It's almost as if I'm desperate for that one person to reach out and tell me everything I want to hear. And as soon as I have someone close to that, I refuse to acknowledge them any longer. I don't want to be this way. Not at all. I feel like everyone gives up on me because I don't give them any chances. I have no idea how to reverse this mess. And I surely don't want to start out this year with unstable relationships. I'd really appreciate a few words from you.
Thanks a lot,
Nicolle
@Nicolle,
There is no one person that can make you feel comfortable with your own vulnerability...the only person that can do this is you. You want to avoid the pain of being hurt at all costs but that just isn't logical if you ever hope to be in a true relationship because in order to receive love you have to give love and that involves risk.
You will never believe anyone that tells you "everything you want to hear" and you know it so start by telling yourself you are worthy of love, you are worthwhile and even though you cannot protect yourself from all heartache you are still strong enough to risk it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained...except more loneliness. Do the inner work on yourself first, find a therapist if you can afford it but if not check with your own "personal counselor in the mirror", you.
Say this over and over, "Things are never as bad as I make them out to be in my head" and, "The ground will not open up and swallow me should I let a man see the real me." It is true because I am living it now...the proof is in the doing so DO and above all LIVE!
Elleasku
I have read this post before. I had to save it because I felt like you were in my head the first time around. Honestly, I felt like I was the only one who constantly analyzed whether or not small comments or actions that I made may have affected the behavior of others to the point where I have turned friends into enemies. The part about getting to close too soon - wow....It's like you wrote it for me. I do that all the time - i get to involved too soon, and I end up destroying relationships when their in the infancy stage...(i had to drop a business term sorry)
Seriously though,I have a tendency to I guess see things that at times don't exist. I question myself and of course in the end I succeed at 2 things, driving someone away unintentionally and hurting myself. Now I can be very sarcastic, with dry humour and I even take shots at people when they make mistakes - usually I only make fun of people I like. However,I do make exceptions for bullies and people who like to intimidate others. Those people are my favorite. Got a little off track, what I am trying to say is that you're writing really speaks to me on so many levels. Mostly because I can identify with literally everything you actually wrote - I was surprised to google this topic and find that someone put into words a step by step explanation of how I feel everyday. Trying to hide behind the "masks" I wear to hide my emotions from others and the feeling of always pushing away people - when you're trying to do the opposite.
I dont know what loving yourself means - I dont love myself, I love others - usually I just feel like Im not really human - I just look like you, but Im not one of you - so no one can really ever make that type of attachment to something like me - you see im like an imitation of a real person...which sucks - because I look like everyone else, i can feel like everyone else - but its as if everyone else knows that Im not like them . Like im an outkast and everyone can see me for who/what I really am.
Hey, I'm a 15 year old girl suffering from her own defense mechanism.I know at my age I'm going through some big changes right now and its easy to say my mood swings are what keep me so resentful but recently I've started to see a pattern in my relationships. Like yourself, I push people I love away.I've been like this ever since I can remember,my mum broke up with my dad when I was 4 and I was raised with the thought that all men are liars and cheaters. Obviously, I know thats not true but I'm finding it VERY hard to trust people in general, theres not a soul in the world I feel I can truly connect to.I've never had a boyfriend because everytime a guy got closed, I pushed him away. Theres a guy that I've been infatuated with for almost 2 and a half years who is stil waiting for me to make the next move and I just dont know how to get over myself!
What can I do? he was patient with me the whole time and now hes's given up.
Thanks in Advance!
I would love to have some female energy and opinion on my situation. I am 46yo guy who met the most wonderful, giving, loving woman--everything I ever wanted in a wife, mother of my children, companion and life partner. We were very happy, began living together, starting our journey together. We planned to have children and get married. I bought her the ring she wanted. And then...I end up with a hip condition which was very painful and altered my identity, my sense of confidence and my ability to believe I could be a good father. I pushed her away...I pushed to love of my life away to the point that she moved out. It turned out I needed hip surgery and she was willing to come back, be my caregiver, and resume our relationship. And I pushed her away again...multiple times, in fact. I was just not myself, maybe in a depression from the realization of this condition. I have never done this in a relationship before.
Months later now, I realize that a hip replacement, even for someone my age, is not that big a deal. Very treatable and I will resume a normal life very shortly. Now that I have regained my clarity and understand why I had been pushing her away, I really want her back. She says she has moved on...that I need to move on as well. I still feel love from her. I hate the thought of giving up hope on such a deep love. My friends agree that I need to make sure she knows how I feel. Now she's the one pushing me away.
I understand I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. This is all on me--she was as giving as I could expect anyone to be. I am willing to be as vulnerable to more hurt as I need to be in order to express my deep love for her.
Any advice for a broken heart like mine?
Thanks.
@saDFace: I can assure you that I am not in your head but I did, at one time, walk the same road as you. I chose to find the path I was meant to follow by jumping off the merry-go-round of fear and self-doubt. Are you ready to get off the merry-go-round yet?
Sarcasm is a mask, mocking perceived flawed traits in others is also a mask, one that covers our fear that those we mock will find out we do the same "flawed" things but are too cowardly to own up to it. While it may seem fun it is a form of negative energy that keeps you distracted from the real work you need to do inside of yourself. In other words: if you spend all of your time picking at others then you will never have time to build yourself back up into a person you can love, respect and cherish...one who is also receptive to receiving real love from others. When we feel good about ourselves then logic dictates we share that positive feeling with others; no need or room for snide remarks or self-esteem killing put-downs.
Pushing people away doesn't really keep you safe from the thing you fear the most at all because the more you push the more tortured you feel and the more pain you endure. Why are you so afraid to tell the truth? Why are you so afraid to show just how human you are? You are not a robot nor are you some doomed character from a teen angst novel so the sooner you look yourself in the eye and claim your rightful identity the better. Loving yourself means being brave enough to admit you need help and you need to connect with other human beings in order to thrive in this world. Finding a way to regain trust in yourself, your beliefs, your goals, your heart, in spite of the negative crap from your past that has you trapped on the emotional void merry-go-round of fear...that is the key to your future success. You are smart enough to know what you are doing isn't working; now, spin that damn merry-go-round the opposite way until you are free.
@Patricia: You are more intuitive than most your age so please take heed when I say, you don't need to "get over yourself", you need to discover your real self. The world is yours if you just want to reach out and take your rightful place in it. Your issue with trust is the main wall you need to break down and the only way to do that is to come to terms with how you really feel about your dad leaving your mom. Yes, men leave but and this is a huge BUT...women do it too and if you are now the "pusher" aren't you just following the same example set by your dad? The more you push the less safe you will feel, the less connected you will feel and the more angry, depressed and stuck you will become. Stop it now before you carry on another 15 years being lonely and socially isolated. Sure you may have a man in your life as you get older but will he be the man you deserve, one who loves you as much as you love yourself or will he be drawn to you because he knows he can take advantage of a fragile woman with low self-esteem? Build yourself up to be the strong woman you really are meant to be and you will never have to worry about negativity darkening your future doorstep.
@Daniel: I am sorry your situation turned out the way it did but, surely you, yourself, would not want to continue giving, over and over, to a person that pushes you away. The heart, one that is tied to a strong sense of self-esteem, is intended to take only so much rejection before it closes one chapter and moves on to another. That is called the wisdom of self preservation and this is what this woman seemingly employed. Certainly, you can tell her how you feel but know that she is under no obligation to come back and should not be judged harshly by either yourself or your friends if she chooses to opt out.
I am curious to know why people assume love must hurt in order for it to be true and your statement about being willing to be vulnerable to "more hurt" makes me wonder; are you blaming her for the hurt you feel now or are you blaming yourself? Both are misplaced and counterproductive. Yes, I pushed people away too but, I also saw the other side of it as the woman who gave and gave only to discover the one I was giving to wouldn’t return the favor even if I were on fire. This woman’s lesson learned may have been similar to mine and could it be possible that she doubted whether, if the tables were turned, you would be as supportive of her during a medical crisis because of the act of pushing her away so many times?
Consider this a lesson about what you do not want to do in future relationships and please think about delving into the reason you sank so low into feelings of fear and depression prior to and after your hip replacement surgery. How you felt then had nothing to do with this woman and everything to do with your own feelings of self worth as a man. Please tackle that issue now because it could rear its ugly head again should another physical set-back occur and you want to be mentally prepared to face it and conquer it before it hurts another relationship or you any further.
I honestly don't understand why some people care about me, the only person I truly trust is my 12 year old brother... and thats only because I see me him so much, it kinda bothers me to b honest. I'm not even really sure why I'm asking a random person 4 help when i don't even trust my family but how can I pull myself out of this. I just can't b myself, I cant even walk in public without thinking about every step who might see it.. maybe im just nuts Haha
@person: Your chosen moniker states why others care about you...you're a living, breathing individual; a person with flesh, blood and feelings just like them. We are all connected in this life by our ability to feel, good or bad and it is "feeling" that both draws us close to and away from others. Feeling emotion is surely connected with trust in general and you seem to have an issue with trust. In trusting your brother you are simply giving back to him what he is giving you and there is nothing wrong with that at all. You trust he loves and accepts you because children haven't developed an incentive to deceive yet like adults have.
The issues with your family seem to have really affected you negatively and that is sad but I will tell you as bluntly as possible, you are in charge of turning things around now and rebuilding trust starts with you learning to trust yourself. In order to do that you MUST let those in who want to support you (like your brother) and you must let go of the anger over any past hurts because they cannot be rewound or undone they can only be put into proper perspective and learned from. Hanging on to anger is what keeps us stuck in the past and it is what keeps us unwilling to be real about who we truly are deep down inside. We are ALL scared, insecure, confused and hurt at one time or another in life but to always assume that nothing will change because of our past experiences does a huge disservice to us as capable and logical human beings.
How do you learn to trust others when your examples of this have been so piss-poor? Simply put, you have to accept that some people close to you will screw up and disappoint you but also, MANY will not. I learned to stop giving power to my incorrectly perceived notion that “everyone” was watching me and waiting for me to screw up or embarrass myself…they aren’t. If you really stop and look around you will notice that most people are just trying to get by…like yourself so give yourself a break so that you can relax long enough to allow other like-minded people into your life. You may be surprised to find that there are actually many good people in this world just waiting for you to invite them in and that they like you just fine, the way you are.
This was a really good read. From reading it I would suspect you have borderline personality disorder however, if you haven't looked into that, you might investigate some.
@reader from seattle: From reading your response I would suspect you might have difficulty recognizing satire and may be passive-aggressive but that would just be a guess ;)
Not sure if you are just trying to help by "diagnosing" me from a simple little tongue-in-cheek essay I wrote as a means of self reflection but either way I found it humorous so thanks for the laugh.
I am always curious about the intentions of those who compliment and insult in the same breath, knowingly or innocently, but since I have a thick skin and a sense of humor the words roll right off like water off a duck’s back.
hi, i have read your story and stories of others. I too am in a relationship woth a mna for three years and its like every couple of months he pushes me away. He tells me this is how he is. He is up one day then the next and that he cant control its of no control to him. He says that like people before me that left i will too. I try to be understanding but sometimes its like he gets made when i am. I t sometimes feel likes he does it on purpose to prove that i will run like everyone else and that its not fair to me to be treated this way. I dont want to leave but, i dont know what to do. He has opened up to me in very emotional intimate ways andthen its like total shutdown and he doesnt want to be bothered with me and we live in the same house. Im not a needy person i told him and im not i have alot going on for myself and we have already concluded that he is even jealous sometimes that im not a needy person. His mind is always ticking and its like he is waiting for me to say leave. He told me that he doesnt even know why he stays with me, he says it an uncontrollable thing like the mood swings he just wont leave. We want to get married we are engaged we both have kids we are raising form seperate relationships. He told me im too good for him and he is only holdong me back. Am i just stupid i want him to be happy even if it means not with me i love him that much...But i know its not a thing of he wants another he is his own worst enemy....sorry i know this was long...thanks
@domino99: I say this with the utmost respect and careful consideration for what you posted; DO NOT get married to this man without some serious and long-term counseling, especially since children are involved. They deserve better than to be subjected to a front-row view of the dysfunctional relationship you have going on with your boyfriend.
You want to help him and feel drawn to do so, that is understandable but, and this is a huge factor, your children come first. If you are pulled in multiple directions; one way by this man, another way by your feelings for him and yet another way by obvious apathy on your part then what kind of example are you setting for them? Don’t you deserve better as well? Please be honest with yourself and recognize that it isn’t healthy for you to keep putting his flip-flopping feelings and needs before yours and your children’s.
Without some type of psychological intervention, initiated by this man, I can’t really see how this relationship can succeed. He is the only one that can change his behavior, which is likely caused by some form of mental disorder, you cannot do this for him and should not feel pressured or made to feel guilty so you stay. You cannot be the only one trying in this situation and I hope you can recognize when enough is enough.
This article just explains me 100%.
After falling in love with a special unique friend I have recently pushed him away (for ever)in the most hideous and destructive way.
I have done this to other fantastic people who I have fallen in love with in my past.
I never thought to search or even discuss my problem till now, thanks for the article – I’ve lost someone who can never be replaced, the only thing to do is learn and move on.
It is finally nice to know that I have a problem.
@Matt234: Do not focus on having a "problem" so much as focusing on the fact that now you know changes need to be made. If you are bent on being cruel and destructive to those you claim to love then seriously search within yourself to find out the reason why. We all get to a point where we realize something isn't right and that a pattern of behavior has been established. If we are the ones that created this unhealthy behavior then wouldn't logic dictate that the person that created the pattern can also change it?
If happiness and contentment are goals that seem doable and you are tired of running off fantastic people that can enrich your life then truly consider working toward positive change. The first step is acknowledging the issue, you have done this so the next step is to learn to believe that you actually do deserve to have love in your life because you are worthy of it.
Hi Elleasku
Thank you for your reply :)
Right after this incident I actually started to work on the changes as you have described (and still continuing) Its really refreshing that this time around I am dealing with the situation as a positive which I am very proud of myself - As corny as that sounds it’s the truth as usually I would deal with it in such a destructive way (towards myself) it’s a shame that it took 3 goes.
In every situation, however bad we all have the choice to choose how we react within our thoughts and emotions. It took so long for me to accept this but now that I have I am NEVER letting it go!
I will say I did see it as a problem but the way that you put it makes sense. It’s not a problem just something I can change!
Thanks again
@Matt234: You are very welcome. Change can feel pretty good so hold on tight and enjoy the ride.
I feel like I've lost the spark in life, from the arts to relationships nothing is of substance to me. I look back at the last 4 years of my life and wonder why I've secluded myself.
I think my problems now stem from high-school. I was friends with the "in" crowd, but my inherent nature to speak not what I felt, but what made me conform to the group made me feel alone in a room full of people. I knew I never had anything in common with them, but the childish desire to be popular got the most of me.
As with you I'm big on the "little things" in relationships and the minute I felt offended I shun the person, and now I'm writing fearing I've made the mistake in shunning the last one, and probably the most important one.
I moved on from high-school with a chip on my shoulder, and made new friends, but even with them I did the same thing. Now I secluded my-self from them too, the result of me upholding the code of respect, which I cherish so greatly. I've carried this train of thought into University but now I don't even bother trying to deepen any of my relationships with my peers in fears that they too will violate my code of respect.
But I can live with all that, but what bothers me tonight is the fact that for the third time I've pushed away a wonderful girl, and fear that I've damaged the relationship for good. I love her like no-other before her but can't communicate with her and why every 6 months I'm sitting at the same cross-roads thinking ending it is what I owe her. Words in this little dialogue box cannot attempt to explain what shes done for me and what she puts into our relationship, I just don't give back. But I think I know why, because it's easier to do it half-ass and have yourself prepared emotionally if shit hits the fan. But knowing that I did it that way for almost 4 years boggles my mind while I'm sitting here torn to pieces.
I'm sorry I've taken up so much space in a comment section that was intended for constructive feedback, but I'm searching for answers as to why I've done this to myself. Everything that's meant something to me before is second these days too, I don't even know what. I know I'm a good person, and I just don't get it why everyone has forgotten about me.
And besides my bullshit, good for you, your an inspiration for many and a true gem. I just really hope your full attention is not directed to this blog (as good as it is) and more concentrated on making a difference in this world filled with so much bullshit.
@Curious George: You have demonstrated the ability to feel love for another person but have you ever turned that feeling around and focused it soley on yourself so you can heal enough to have a healthy long-term relationship? I didn't like myself very much because I believed negative messages from childhood and attracted very negative experiences and people. What messages got trapped inside of your head? It is hard to connect with another when we haven't learned to connect with ourselves or respect our own decisions, trust our own judgment and most of all LOVE ourselves flaws and all. When I started accepting myself I no longer attracted negative people. I let go of the lofty expectations and just learned to BE; simple, relaxed and free!
I have no set-in-stone solution for you but I will say that while it may seem you have been forgotten that is more than likely an exaggeration. (I think you realize that though) The more accurate statement is that you have forgotten how to love yourself and learning that action alone is the thing that will bring you back to life. By acknowledging the things, actions, thoughts and behaviors that aren't working in your life you are, in a sense, willing change to occur. Keep doing that!
As for your kind concern about how much attention I give to this blog, the simple answer is: only as much time as I can spare. In writing this hub I NEVER expected any comments at all but, since I have received more than expected, I do what I can to respond in as timely a manner as possible. My newfound love for living a contented life is my number one priority so thank you for asking and I hope the same outcome for you.
I have to say I have never read anything that feels like it came straight out of my own mind. I kept women at a distance for ten years when my heart was broken and I became disillusioned about love and women in general. I have had many wonderful women want to be with me and I was never willing to give it a chance. I love strong and deep and in my subconscious I believed that I could never find a women who could love and understand me. Recently I decided to get into a relationship with a good friend of mine. She is a wonderful girl and I felt she understood me. Of course we hit it of and both of us fell madly in love with each other, but I began to look into things too deeply and anaylized everything about the relationship. I pushed her away and she ended it. I know she loved me. I have read so many books about love and relationships I have become somewhat of an expert, yet as you said I don't take my own advise and have continued to push this girl away to the point where I said I guess we cannot be friends for awhile. I drive her further and further away, and I just want to apologize for my immaturity, but feel like there really is nothing left to say. I love her with all of my heart, yet I paint myself into a corner with our relationship. I wrote her an email saying I would let my deep feelings for her go and next time I see her I will smile and maybe we can laugh at the situation. Yet I can't let my feelings go and I constantly contradict myself with her. Emotions can be a bitch. I know we will be ok someday, I just don't really know what to say to her. Act like nothing ever happened between us, or continue to dig myself into a deeper hole and apoligize for my ignorance and try to be deep with her again? We were really close it is a nightmare, yet has changed my life for the better because I have learned so much. If only I was the man I am becoming when I first met her.
I Came across this article today because it is exactly what I am going thru at the moment. I befriended a man a little over a year ago while going thru a bad relationship and financial stress. He was always very kind, caring, understanding supportive, sympathetic and empathetic. We formed a deep connection right away and altho sometimes flirty, our friendship never intensified to a romantic relationship, tho others believed it to be. However, within time, I unintentionally let drama into our friendship. He started to get alittle stand off ish from time to time, but was still caring and supportive. More recently, when he's been silent, he'd seem aggitated at me if I asked if he was "okay". When we met, he said he was "shy" and a "loner" and never had a serious relationship, tho he never seemed that way with me. He was always very open and talkative in the beginning. When I'd try to talk to him, he seemed uninterested and not as caring as he had been. I becane insecure, secretly falling for him, and asked if he had a girlfriend. He seemed offended and insisted things were okay. After researching, I discovered it's possible that he could be introverted and thought maybe he was just overwhelmed with my personal drama. I decided to back off a bit and if he was reading, I'd be courteous ask if he'd be prefer to be left alone (that is one of the hobbies that help introverts regenerate after alot of stimuli with others). Only, he'd say "no" when I volunteered to leave him alone. Yet, if i pursued talking, he'd seem distant and uninterested (more characteristics of an introvert personality). More recently, he said he's bored..not with me personally, but his life in general and was thinking of leaving indefinitely. I cried and reminded him how much his friendship means to me. Altho I "convinced" him to stay, he still seems uninterested. I don't know if my drama and insecurities pushed him away and he just doesnt want to hurt me. If he really found someone/something more interesting to occupy his time. or is he actually is an introvert and this is his natural state now that he's comfortable/familiar with me? After trying to talk/ask to him before about this, I am afraid to ask again without driving him away completely. I don't want to lose him from my life and don't know what to do.
what do u do when ppl act like they are all perfect... when u are not... and you cant seem to put the same face... how can u dance in front of a person who thinks its stupidity... how can u come out to ppl who have no idea nor feelings that match urs... when all u get on opening ur mouth is to do somehting which even they wudnt have done in the same place...
i think we all need someone like us to be able to be understood. i dont think other then family anyone can stand tall with u in ur good and bad time... we all have a wall... when we come down the other often is at a loss. and then offers us the piece of advise which we simply cant heed... and then while we want to juts keep crying they want us to forget and laugh... its not easy we all learn to laugh in our own time...w e dont need ppl to tell us wat we need to do or shyud do... we want ppl to accept us and let us be how we are.... without finding faults in us... or be offended by us or offend us.
After leaving my original post 5 days ago, i went back and reread some of the previous posts..does it sound more like my "friend" is more of an introvert, like i originally posted, or could it be that he, too, is a passive/aggressive type of person. He is fairly close with his parents/family, spending time with them and helping them when needed, but never speaks much of them in detail.
@ Johnglen: There are no rewinds in life, we can only move forward with the intention of refraining from doing the things that didn't work for us in the past. Yes, I know...easier said than done but honestly after reading all the books and then still not following the advice what have you got to lose? Not trying to be flippant but sometimes that answer really is that simple.
A woman can only understand you if you allow her to see the real you rather than the guarded version that is afraid of being hurt just as you can only be comfortable in your own skin if you release the fear. I am concerned that you sent a woman you claim to love with all your heart contradictory e-mails about letting feelings go with the hope to smile and laugh about it later. Seriously? Why? If it isn't true don't say it...it only prolongs the pain for both of you and serves no purpose other than to confirm some sort of negative self-fulfilling prophecy you seem to be carrying around with you.
I wish I could tell you that you have a chance at a "do-over" with your former friend/jaded lover but sadly that is a hard bridge to repair without some serious honesty and a genuine show of vulnerability on your part. The trust has been broken but possibly, with time and some introspective "self remodeling" it could happen but more than likely I would say you should take this lesson and build on it, build yourself back up and learn to love and trust in yourself first before you try to be in another relationship.
@Gia: Simply put, it sounds like you are hoping this man will develop more than "friend" feelings for you and quite frankly, why would you want to be in a romantic relationship with someone that distances himself and leaves you begging for attention? I do not know if he is passive-aggressive or not but it does seem obvious that the two of you aren't clicking as romantic partners. Just ask yourself this question: does having him anyway you can get him serve some sort of purpose for you? Also, does this confusing relationship serve some purpose for him as well? All the appearance of a relationship without the commitment? Just a guess and it may not be correct but my concern is that surely he knows how you feel about him because your frantic behavior gives it away. It seems like he is sending you messages but you aren’t willing to hear them though because they may be too hurtful. I am not sure what he could mean by saying he is "bored with life" and is considering "leaving indefinitely" but I would suspect it could mean he doesn't know what he wants or is depressed but either way it is concerning. I am not sure what else to say on the matter but I am certain that this relationship will continue to frustrate and confuse so please don't place all you bets on this man.
@Farida: All I can say is no one is perfect, dance anyway because those who make fun because they deem it "stupid" aren't living, staying behind walls does nothing but keep us trapped and if you stand tall for yourself, always, without fail, then those with joy in their hearts will stand with you. In short, love yourself and negativity won’t have any power over you.
Hi Elleasku.. and thank you for your reply.
I agree at one point during a difficult period of my life, I did harbor stronger feelings for him. Altho, I've since realized that my neediness and dependence on our friendship was because of the emotional support he gave me during a difficult period of my life. I tried communicating with him effectively on several occasions apologizing for my behavior and explaining the reasons. However, altho we continue to talk on a nitely basis, nothing has changed and he is still distant. I truly just miss him as a friend now that I've learned from mty past behavior but don't know how to get him to realize that without beating a dead horse, sort of speak.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, again, in advance.
Also just to add: When we first met, it was almost as if there was unspoken mutual feelings and admiration for eachother. Up until this past fall, he would tell me when he would or would not be around, even at work if he had a meeting to attend or after work when he had appts or giving his folks a hand with something. It was almost as if we were in some type of relationship more than a friend. He denies having met anyone more interesting to spend time with and that my behaviors caused his recent behavior but cant explain why he is acting this way. I know in the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, it talks about men and their caves during stress. Could this be a factor, even in friendships? Either way, how long can this cave time last before they return. My friend experienced a withdrawal in the fall, but came back nearly as close before the holidays, even after all the previous drama I spoke of in my earlier post. There has been no drama since, yet, I believe he started to become distant, in general, to others, as well. As a friend, I believe he's under stress, or hurting. I'd like to help, the way he has helped me in the past, but not sure how to go about it if he won't let me in. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks again :)
@Gia: Rather than continuing to focus on apologizing for what you may or may not have done to create a distance between the two of you (he already denied this) move forward and simply and plainly state to him that you are available if he wants to talk and if he doesn't then you must tell him you respect that and will continue being his friend.
I noticed you stated, in additional comments, that it was "almost as if" you two were in a relationship and I do wonder if that confusion will happen again because neither one of you has stated, clearly, to the other if it is a friendship or a trial relationship. That must be done because you previously presented him with a scenario that involved potential romantic involvement and I gathered that you continue to ask if he has met someone else...that is a statement a girlfriend makes, not a friend. I can see why both of you and the people around you aren't really sure what kind of relationship you have.
As far as his distancing behavior, does he have a history of depression or does anyone in his family have mental health issues? People who distance themselves from others are typically experiencing more than just day-to-day stress. You do not close yourself off without cause and if his moods seem to shift every few months then something chemical could be a possibility. Men are not comfortable talking about feelings and fears so please be very careful how you ask him "what's wrong?" because if you are too aggressive about it he could withdraw further. Like I said earlier, just tell him you are there for him and that your support as a friend is unconditional. Remove all references to your past belief that you had feelings for him from all future conversations and provide an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, should he be so inclined, and a safe place to voice his concerns.
Hi again, Elleasku :)
I have told him on many occassions that very thing...saying that altho I respect his privacy, I'm here as his friend if he ever needed to talk. He'd smile and thank me. Yet, never opened up about anything on his mind since he's been distant. He is one who doesn't like to discuss feelings. However, he was more vulnerable to answer personal questions about feelings when we first met.
Yes, in the past we would be innocently flirty, tell eachother of our plans for the day, and just generally chat as if we were something more than friends. Altho, he initially said he wasn't looking for anything serious when we first met, his actions were different and he seemed as into me as I to him. That is why my feelings began to grow, tho I never asked.
I'm not sure of his family's mental illness, as they live in a different state. When I've asked if he is okay, he always says he's fine....another characteristic, I've read, of being an introvert. However, one time in the past, he jokingly said he was "ADD". When I asked really? He laughed and said no. I never mentioned it again. Yet, now curious.
Also, he does admit to having a bad memory, forgetting things, good or bad, that he's told me and often overly critical of himself...signs of depression :(
Any more suggestions or advice is, again, greatly appreciated... Thank you! :)
@Gia: Just continue being a supportive friend while also continuing on with your own personal life. "Just friends" is the extent of your relationship with this man given his unwillingness to let you get any closer to really knowing him. He needs to be the one to seek help for whatever issue he may have and will only do this when he feels ready. No one can do this for him.
Sometimes men become distant because they want to non-verbally establish boundaries (keep you at arms length) without having to do the work of actually talking. He doesn't want to share his concerns with you apparently so that is something you are going to have to accept. You have done what a good friend should do in this case so feel at ease about that but also move forward with your own life and be open to relationship possibilities with another man that better matches what you need in a boyfriend. In other words, don't let the confusing friendship you have with this man blind you to other opportunities.
Wow you have awesome advice I've never heard before and I wanted to hear what you have to say in my situation
I was dating a guy for almost a year I loved him so deeply and I pushed him away slowly but surely it was a long distance relationship too he knew I loved him and he loved me bak so I thought I'm not sure anymore we broke up deciding maybe it'll work out later when we can see eachother more often and I realized I couldn't do it so I tried taking him back talking to him and I was rejected a couple times when he finally said he didn't want to hurt again because we couldn't see eachother and today we haven't talked rarely and I see he's been trying to date but nothing really works for him I really want him back though idk what else to do ..
@Illinois22: I offer no advice, I only provide suggestions based on 42 years of life experience and curiously, because people seem to be drawn to ask me for what ever reason. As it goes with all suggestions/theories: they must be tested to determine validity so listen to your own gut feeling first and foremost.
So, if I am following your somewhat disjointed post correctly: you fell in love, became scared despite the fact that your relationship was of the long distance variety (these rarely work) and then pushed him away until break-up occurred? The fact that he pushed back and rejected you after an attempted “do-over" on your part is no big surprise. He was rightfully hurt and pride is a big part of the male identity so why should he trust that you wouldn't hurt him again? Those are normal human reactions to a hurtful situation.
You say you want him back but have you figured out why you pushed him away to begin with and do you want him to take you back without any changes or are you willing to offer the best you possible? That needs to be established prior to any attempt at reconciliation or before even trying again at an honest, real world, not long distance, relationship with any other person. This is truly the only suggestion I can offer so good luck on your path to personaly maturity.
I have actually dug into myself many times it's been a year since we broke up . I realized it was my own insecurities just like you said up there. And I have been willing to change but I haven't confronted that with him and I suppose it's something I should do since he's afraid I'll do the same . It's my turn to comfort him like he did many times when I was insecure. Thanks this really cleared things up
Hi Elleasku,
I have accepted for sometime that there have been too many complications in our friendship for it to develop into anything more and am okay with being "just friends". Maybe it was in my own head, but I could tell by his past actions, even though he had said he wasn't looking for anything serious, that he felt the same at that time in our friendship, as well. Although I agreed, that is when the confusion set in. Less, and not like before, we still talk or chat every night before he goes to bed. When we instant message, it starts out fun and alive, no matter which of us initiate the conversation. But, even tho his (short) replies are answered within a quick period of time, there seems to be a lag in the conversation shortly after the hello's, unless I bring up new topics of nothing serious. He now lives out of state with his family and uses generic pictures as his avatar online. I haven't seen any pictures of him since the fall. He always appreciated my compliments in the past, boosting his self esteem. We both were always appreciative of eachother's support in all ways. However, when I asked if I would see a picture of him anytime soon, his response was doubtful. I reminded him I always felt he was good looking. He disagreed, because he's never liked his appearance, and stated that I don't know what he looks like now, since it's been a while since i've seen him. When I recently reminded him of past happy convos and pics we exchanged, he said "don't remind me" and didn't have an explanation why when I asked. Do you think that all of this is to distance further from me? Or, just his general attitude towards life these days? That response kind of hurt. Yet, I don't want to "push" and bring it up again. But, what would you think, if you were me, and having read my previous posts. He has supported me in so many ways in the past and I really do care for him. I don't want to lose him from my life. But, don't know how else I can help without pushing him away further. However, does it sound, to you, that maybe there is a new "love interest" in his life occupying more of his time now? And being private, he doesn't feel the need to tell me now that the dynamaics of our friendship have changed, since it shouldn't really matter?
Oh..on a last note, our nightly good bye messages always end with wishes of a good nite, sleeping well, sweet dreams and smileys of hugs, kisses and love hearts, so shoiuld i assume he still cares for me somewhat, atleast as a friend?
Gia, I say this with all sincere kindness; the relationship you once had with your friend seems to be running its course and it appears he may be an emotional pusher in this situation as well. At first you were concerned that you were the "pusher" but I sense an issue with low self esteem and a need for validation more than anything.
I really have no set answer for you other than you are expecting more from this man than he is capable of giving and what he is offering now is probably the best you will get. The messages he is sending indicate that he decided to check out and maybe he "cares" but that isn't anything to build hope on so please put this relationhip in the chat buddy category and concentrate on your own needs.
A friend of mine posted a link to this article, and after reading it I'm most glad to say that I'm happy that he posted it. More importantly, I think you've done an amazing thing by first letting us readers peer into your life, and then handing us what should be common sense borne of constant observation and uncanny self-awareness on a silver platter. You deserve special applause for objectively relating and dissecting a not-so-glorious part of your life, when life itself is so subjective. Well, that's what we think anyway, right? Thank you. So happy I found this article! Also and just a tickle compared to the joy of this discovery, I now know what a Hub is. :)
Hi Elleasku
Thank you again for your opinions and suggestions about my friendship with him. A big part of me agrees with what you say. However, it still confuses me why the sudden change. I whole heartedly admit, and have apologized to him, for being insecure, needy, jealous when he wanted to spend time with other friends and for overwhelming him with my own personal drama. He seemed to care and understand and things still seemed fine. After the holidays (and a week vaca from work) is when his behavior started to change, becoming less available during the day and distant in our conversations at night.
It just hurts to think how happy, caring, friendly and funny he was one day, then changed nearly overnight. It saddens me to see him and our friendship this way. :(
Rohin Kallat, your comment makes me smile and that is all the thanks I need...no applause necessary. Many people are so afraid to be real, to truly own and admit their faults and work with them that they flounder for a lifetime. That isn't my thing so if my tale of turning crap into gold helps people then again, that is all the thanks I need and it is my pleasure.
:) Glad I was able to make you smile. You're right, many people ARE afraid to be real, and from a personal standpoint, I've had to battle with when to be real and when to smile and wave like the Queen, no matter what. Worse? Ask people about this and they'll either shrug their shoulders or annoyed-ly tell you to stop asking these kinds of questions, or add dialog to their shrugging shoulders and say, "Because that's the way it is." Shocking, no doubt, but in no way unfamiliar to anyone anywhere else in this world, I'm sure. So, when it comes to something like this post, it must be shared and encouraged. How sad that we've lost the ability to learn, too worried about keeping up appearances and being kept down by others and what they think.
I liken this kind of self-exploration to be along the lines of Gandhi's Autobiography (or "The Story of My Experiments with Truth), a book that began to change my life by getting me to change the way I saw everything. Thanks again. :)
Hi Elleasku,
I enjoyed reading your hub. Hubpages suggested it to me after the last hub I wrote (good ol' Hubpages - always looking out for my best interest :-)).
I am glad I ran across this hub because so much of what you said truly strikes a chord with me. I believe that we do attract people to us that are a reflection of our inner selves. In order to attract the "right" people, we ourselves must be one of those "right" people. This goes beyond the mere words that we speak. If our thoughts and actions don't complement what we are saying, we should not be surprised when people don't respond to the words as we would like.
For instance, the words "I am having a good time!" can convey one meaning when said with enthusiasm and a big smile and emphasis on word "good". Those same words can have a very different meaning when they are said with a scowl or disgust and with emphasis on the word "am".
Now, imagine that two people have heard you speak these words and want to explore what made you utter them. One is a very positive and upbeat person, and the other is a very negative and miserable person. Which delivery do you think is most likely to attract the positive person.
This is a simplistic example, but it goes to show that it is more than just our words that determine who and what we have in our lives. It's true that we may have attracted some wrong people and pushed away some right people, but once we become cognizant of this fact we can consciously begin to attract only the right people.
Take care, Elle.
Reggie D.
Firstly, I would like to thank you for your feedback , it was very insightful. After reading you're response,I realised the first step was accepting myself flaws and all.If I am honest, I am still struggling however I have made some improvements at stopping the negativity. I am discovering alot about myself right now and fear is my worst enemy. I am scared to fall in love, scared of looking vulnerable, scared of people's views, scared of commitment- scared of bloody everything! The fear is so paralysing that I've become passive. I often get angry at myself for blocking everyone out but still I haven't stopped.I am now desperate to change but I'm finding it very hard to be honest with people. I feel like I'm caged in my insecurities and apparently you can tell cause I've had people comment on my passivity.It bothers me so much because what if I really cant change? I've messed up too many relationships with people and I don't think I can fix things, its too late. I'm currently experiencing my first love and he's frustrated at me for pushing him away.We've been growing apart and its my fault because I stop talking to him for no reason.Im sick of being in this mental state, what can I do?
ReggieD06,
Thank you very much and I enjoyed your hub about the Law of Attraction as well. It is a subject I am very interested in and one that came to my attention not long after I wrote my hub about being an "emotional pusher" curiously enough. The Universe has a message for everyone and thankfully I was ready to hear it when I did.
I am a firm believer that we have the power to attract both negative and positive people, experiences, mental states and physical reactions based solely on how we feel about ourselves and the words and thoughts we employ daily. The self-fulfilling prophesy is alive and well and the line of people unknowingly setting themselves up for the fall continues to grow daily. We, as a human race, truly do learn best from repetition...say over and over, "I hate myself, my life, my job" and so on enough and that projected negative feeling will come back in all quadrants of our lives; not just the ones I mentioned. If we are so adept at drawing in the negative then wouldn't logic also tell us we can flip that coin and do the opposite to create a life that enriches, embraces and empowers us to be all we dreamed we could be? I now choose to tell myself that the life I dream is the life I deserve and the life I live is the life I love.
Life is a building process and some of us must deconstruct, right down to the very foundation, before we can rebuild our life on the right path. I am grateful that you feel strongly enough to help spread that truth because we are the main architects of our future life stories and not the circumstances of our past history. You feedback and insight is much appreciated!
@Patricia,
The fear doesn't come from the struggles we all engage in, it comes from our stubborn unwillingness to state, out loud, what it is we honestly deserve in life. What is it that you deserve Patricia? Do you deserve to be able to look at yourself in the mirror each day and say, "I am grateful to be me" while acknowledging all of the positive attributes you possess? Do you deserve a love so deep that it makes you tear up in contented joy just at the simple thought of it? I say you do so why can't you say that as well? If we constantly tell ourselves that we FEAR love, we FEAR judgment, we FEAR our own smiles even then how can we ever get anything back from life than more FEAR? You are creating your own paralyzed state and quite frankly you should be angry as hell, so angry that you finally yell down that damn inner fear of yours, telling it to shut up and step aside because your true life is waiting for you to live it!
I cannot tell you what to do but, you have already clearly stated what it is you are doing that doesn't work. Speak it out loud Patricia, and not the negative "I can't" talk either because each time you do that the more disappointment you will experience. You said what it is that you do not like in your life and all "messes" can be cleaned up you know...that is the true simplistic beauty of it. Hearing what you need to do is the first step and YOU MUST work toward flipping that negative switch back to positive. There is no “or” statement included in the statement above detailing what will happen should you refuse to embrace positivity because you are already experiencing the negative “or” aren’t you?
Elleasku
You wrote me 7 weeks ago. You said I need to change my ways, learn to love and accept myself for who I am. You also said that the sarcasm prevents me from repairing or "fixing" myself so that I can get all the things I am missing...(Im sorry if im paraphrasing)
Thing is I use sarcasm because it's what I have done since I was very young. Maybe I shouldn't do it anymore. I think maybe I tease people a little too much. I only tease people that I like...and they all know I tease them because they're special to me...it's my way of saying how i feel without actually saying it. anyways no excuses...I am trying to really stop...or cut down...but thats how I make people laugh.
Another thing...being honest about being human. I know I am one...but I really don't feel like I am...do you know what I mean? I'm not an alien. Im just not like everyone else. I can't make a connection with someone the way i used too, im not the same person. damaged maybe? I never used to want to be like everyone else...now I wish I was....
Family, friends, classmates whatever...Im not one of them..it's depressing. as if im sick and everyone else knows...or maybe i have a character flaw that everyone picks up on...and they all go the other way.
There was someone that I met...she's a little younger than I am...I was completely different with her - we were very close and very affectionate too...it was just what i needed..but then she ended up getting scared (because of relationships and commitment) and she pretty much cut me off...now I chose to let her in - because we are very alike and similar...and I got burned...this is why I don't trust anyone and use sarcasm constantly to protect myself from others...the second I show feelings - I lose. Now i see her every week. And i get ignored. every week. I don't show any emotion at all. I just do my stuff and leave - and it just happens over and over.
So you see - Im not like you people - I have some sort of repellent where I drive people away. There's nothing I can do about it. I don't like it and I don't mean to do it. I try to help others whenever they need it. Trust me, I am always there for someone who needs help. I find that the people that I sacrifice so much to help are the first ones to walk out when Im looking for attention or help or whatever.
I dont mean to complain - but Im struggling trying to finish my work and I needed a break.
good night Elleasku
@sadface,
I am not sure why you are so certain you are some type of anomaly that just magically repels "normal" people like a toxic bug spray but here is a news flash: That is just a negative perception you hold and not an absolute fact!
Being honest about being human means we allow other humans to see us as we really are, vulnerable and raw. We don't hide behind sarcasm/teasing all the time and we DO tell people how we really feel about them rather than expecting them to "just know." Yes, that does involve risk but if what you have been doing thus far isn't working then what have you really got to lose by trying a more positive approach?
And, yes you are similar to most every other person that feels they are different, misunderstood and sensitive to hurt. We all experience pain from time to time, every last one of us, no exceptions. The turning point comes when we realize that we have the power to determine how that experience is going to influence us and we decide what we learn, good or bad, from those occurrences. You absolutely DO HAVE CONTROL in that area just like when you "chose" to allow someone in to see your "completely different" side. Ask yourself this, was that side of you real and if so why can't you be real all the time since it did seem to work even for a little while? The point being, it did work so try it again and again until it becomes a positive and happy habit!
Yes I've looked around and there's a lot of people walking through my past. I've found meetup.com now. I'm afraid to go it alone. My mum died when I was 9, I'm the youngest of 10 kids, I'm now 43, have one child aged 10 and thought I could have another one. Suppose I wanted to recreate a family that I didn't have. I'm not close with my sisters since I had a break down when my daughter was born and it was the first time I ever grieved for my mother. I've asked my sisters of their memories of our mother but they have only sad things to tell me about her hard life etc. I'm now very lonely in my marriage. My husband is not interested in me or life. He goes to work and that's it. Anything we have I've got myself, he doesn't drive or take interest in me or our daughter. I've packed his bags a million times and then I feel sorry for him. I have no friends or family I think I've used them all up cos I wasn't a good enough friend to them. Everyone is fed up listening to me winge. I've now stopped talking to people cos they don't want to hear the truth cos only I can fix it. I just want to be loved and i now realise this will never happen. I don't have the ability to love myself. What a mess.
Georgie,
I can empathize with your situation but feel I must point out, just as I figured this out myself, you are living exactly the life you have created for yourself thus far. If negative and sad thoughts are your predominant thoughts then your life outside your head will mirror that. I spent years going over the negative parts of my childhood and marriage, placing blame but never taking any initiative to create positive changes. I didn't learn to love myself overnight and I did not mend fences with family and friends instantaneously either.
It isn't that you aren't a good enough friend, wife or mother; it is that you haven't been good to yourself, ever, period. We cannot live in the present if we spend all our time running from our past so turn around and face it. The image your sisters have of your mother comes from their perspective and this will not help you know her better. You have not grieved her loss and have not explored how this loss is still affecting you now, from marrying a man that is essentially a ghost in your life to feeling the need to push everyone away to make room for self-pity. Surely, you want more than that?
Please, please, please stop worrying about how you sound to others and concentrate on how you sound to yourself! If you beat yourself up constantly then how will you ever learn to stand on your own and...you can stand on your own you know. It started when you wrote to me so keep the momentum going.
Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly. I’ve been asking myself recently how I can love myself? Firstly I’m overweight, a typical day for me is struggle out of bed, get showered, dressed, do hair (it only gets washed every 2-3 days now; used to be daily!), make-up (really struggle to do it daily!). Drop husband to work, child to school; can’t wait to get out of work 3 days a week at 2.30 to collect daughter. (the other 2 days are full days) 2 years ago I changed jobs and now work with v. ignorant man; but am getting used to him not speaking much to me except to tell me rudely that I’ve done something wrong. (it doesn’t mean that they want to sack me, it’s just the way him and his sidekick are).
Get home tidy up the mess from the morning, get dinner on; husband gets home by bus unless I’m having a good day and I charge out to collect him (husband has in fact only 16% kidney function and I feel sorry for him), but he was always quiet anyway and I always did all the running – it took him 7 years to marry me and I made that happen too! I was always up for a party but never took life very seriously; he is always serious and he and his family always have some topic of conversation going on when they meet and I sit in the corner and don’t talk but mostly anything I have to say is sarky! I’ve now given up being in their company cos I find it exhausting. I know my husband 18 years and in that time they’ve never spoken to me about anything other than small talk. I feel like I have horns when I’m in their company, and out of place. Even when they did find out I took an overdose they still didn’t say a thing to me. I would have hoped for a ‘how are you know, sorry we weren’t around for you, you should have told us, is there anything we can do now”. His parents are both dead. (His father died when he was 12 also). When my mother died when I was 9 I just begged God to allow my father to live until I was 18 (cos I thought I’d be all grown up by then – that was a laugh). Anyway he did indeed live until the day before my 19th birthday. I also had a brother who was born with fluid on his brain and we looked after him until he died aged 25 years old and 5 years after mother. Death, death, death!
Anyway we have dinner, I tidy up check daughter’s homework, I might watch something on tv and go to bed about 10pm; hard work to get a kiss goodnight from husband.
We do go out for dinner but I’m the one initiating everything. We don’t go out on our own.
Some good things are that I’ve stopped drinking coffee and diet coke, and have stopped watching depressing soaps and that gives me more time to tidy up at night. When I’m PMT like now I just cannot-be-bothered!
Have joined a walking club and book club in the local library as I thought this might give me a sense of community.
I’ve been looking into psychotherapy. Do you think it might ‘cure; me?
Thank you again if you manage to read all of this.
Georgie,
Yes, that is a lot to digest. Talk therapy would most certainly help you put life events into perspective so that you can move forward from them. As far as "curing" you I will emphatically tell you that the first thing you need to realize is that in order to heal you cannot approach this from the stand point that you are somehow broken or flawed. We ALL have room for improvement and that is all you need to do: improve what is already there. Your confidence level is at an all time low and when we feel "less than" we accept less than what we deserve into our lives.
The thing with your spouse and his family seems as if it has become a habit, one you need to break. You have enabled them to react to you in a certain way based on your own actions towards them. You do everything for your spouse=he comes to expect it. You act snarky around your spouse's family=they keep you at arms length because they too may have difficulty dealing with past demons. Cause and effect, plain and simple. If those actions are making you unhappy then stop doing them because the unhappiness you feel is drawing negativity to you (example: your job). I understand that your spouse is limited in some things he does but surely he can be asked to do other things like making a dinner reservation once in a while. It is all a matter of asking. If no one knows what you need from them then how can they supply it?
Many people have adverse situations occur in their lives but it is how we decide to let these events effect us throughout our future (negatively or positively) that determines whether we find contentment or not. If you are always expecting something bad to happen, based on your past experience with death of loved ones, then it is pretty hard to find joy in life isn't it? For many years you have just allowed "life" to happen to you without really living and I hope that you continue on the track of branching out with your walking and book clubs. Physical and mental stimulation will help tremendously in conjunction with seeing a therapist so please set up an appointment as soon as possible. It will be rough at first but nothing good ever comes without hard work and if the work is for the betterment of you then it is very worth it. Your kids will thank you for it also.
This is about me!!!!
Thankyou so much for writting this
it is very helpful.
I always expect the worst from people.
Never fully trusting them and always feeling like I care more than they do.
I never pushed people away before. In fact I was very outgoing.
Then I meet this guy and he was great we would have great time together. *as friends*Then the closer we got I noticed he started getting anxious.
He even asked me why I liked him.He said he wasn't good enough etc
Then one day he just pushed me aside.
He's pushed everyone aside.
I really do love this guy.
Well now whenever I find myself getting closer
To any guy I tend to push him aside and I don't know why.
Hey Elleasku!
Just like most people that commented, I completely connect with this article! I'm 16, about to be 17 in a couple of days, and even with the lack of age or experience I have already dealt with many instances where it was so evident that I push people away. I over ananylyze EVERYTHING and whenever I get somewhat close to a person, I completely freak out. I don't call or text, or immediately state that we need to remain friends and keep it that way. It might ridiculous, but where I live, it's not normal to be almost 17, and to never have had a boyfriend. I have no problems with attaining friendships, even though with those I'm starting to realize that there isn't much trust that I share with them either. The thing is, I don't have some sad story to tell, or some abuse or bad relationship that I suffered. It's merely the fact that for some reason I just can't show myself (my true self) to anyone. Reading your posts and the post of others, I can identify with the fear of rejection. I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish by writing this. I just know that I've been feeling pretty low lately. I really thought that something was truly wrong with me. Because I self-crticize, because I can't let anyone in, because I feel alone and want someone, and when I try to do something about it, I feel like a failure all over again. I think I love myself, but obviously that can't be true, because I wouldn't feel this way. Alright I kind of feel like I'm going in circles at this point.
Honestly any insight would be much appreciated! Thanks :)
@cbecca,
The key to breaking the pushing cycle is to expect the best of yourself, to trust your feelings implicitly and to care deeply about yourself to the point that trust in others will just come because you will only attract positive people.
@r,
You aren't an emotional pusher yet but can become one should you fail to put this experience into proper perspective. What happened to you is a normal part of the back and forth that men and women go through while dating. It hurts and yes, you are more wary of the intentions of men now but continue to trust in your intuition and yourself like I have told others over and over because what happened wasn't because of who you are but because of what he was afraid of. Fearful people hurt others when they refuse to open up and really love. Being open and honest is the only way to make any relationship last so do not let this one relationship mishap trip you up.
@Aliyah,
You may not have a sad past to hold up as a reason why you refuse to let people really get close to you but you do possess the main characteristic most emotional pushers share: low self esteem.
For whatever reason you do not feel as if the real you is good enough for others so most likely, you either pretend to be someone you aren't or you just shut down completely and clam up when anyone expresses an interest in you. Is that close?
It seems as if you have already decided, at such an early age, that since you don't trust in yourself then trusting anyone else is also out of the question. That is unfounded fear and something that time and self esteem building exercises can repair. In order to actually live you have to let go of fear because it will limit you, that I can guarantee! Do you really want to live only half a life? No? Then stop the negative self-talk because it only tears you down further and ensures that only negative people will be drawn to you. It is a proven fact that negative, sad, self loathing people attract those like or worse than themselves. Don't go down that path.
I'm hoping someone can shed some light on my situation and help me find clarity in my position.
I was in a long term lesbian relationship (almost 6 years) from the age of 17. We fought a lot and our relationship was intense but we loved each other deeply. Towards the end, I started to think that spending my life with her was looking to become a reality, and this scared me to death because I didn't know enough about myself as an adult to commit to something so big and long term. I thought I would wake up one day when I was older and go, "what have I done and who am I?". I wanted to explore my sexuality with the opposite sex to see if this was something I desired, because sexually my needs weren't being fulfilled despite my deep emotional attachment to her. I wanted to do all the things that made me curious, and everything that I never got a chance to do, like explore the world alone and learn who I really was.
In opening up to her about this and being as honest as possible in the hope that she would take the journey with me (how naive), I broke her heart, and she understandably couldn't accept it and would not wait around for me to find myself when she was ready to settle and commit her life to me. So I left her and moved to a different city to start fresh.
I became numb in my search for self-discovery and met a lovely girl who became infatuated with me, probably because I was overconfident and carefree. In my loneliness I let her in and we became intimate, she helped me heal from my pain over the loss of my ex. This was selfish of me, but for some reason I couldn't stop seeing her and told her constantly to leave if I was hurting her at all. I made it very clear to her what my personal mission was since my break up and that I was not willing to sacrifice it. So we stayed unofficial, and I often was unsure about how much I felt towards her, sometimes pushing her away and being cold (but always voicing why, so as to not leave her confused). But because of my high level of honesty and morality, I never ended up being with anyone else, I threatened it time after time, causing so much unnecessary pain, but was unable to go through with it in the fear that I would lose her.
Eventually, after about 10 months, I realised that all the things I was supposed to be searching for no longer mattered, and that I was desperately in love with her after all this time. I had somehow found myself again and she fulfilled my every need both sexually and in every other way, something my ex didn't do. And she at least pretended to understand me, although I know now it's not entirely true.
But as soon as I opened up to her and gave her my love wholeheartedly, which she had wanted for so long, she ran for the hills.
She says she could never and will never be able to trust me or love me fully after all the waiting and hurt I put her through. Nor could she trust that I no longer have anything I need to discover about myself, despite the fact that I have been completely honest about my every thought, desire and intention. So after months of on/off, fighting, upset, love and pain, she moved away to get away from this and now says she needs to work on herself, and that we can never be together again and can talk again only when we're both over each other.
I know that in our time together I caused her to become incredibly insecure, paranoid and jealous because I was often distracted, and that now she's run away to try to build back her confidence and find herself again. I never meant to hurt her but I was just so broken from my past (not knowing if it was right to leave someone I still loved) that I had to be selfish. In the last few months I would constantly get upset at her when she'd drink too much every weekend and make herself sick in her attempt at escapism from her emotions. In fact I often felt disgusted and sad to watch her like that, and this didn't help her view of herself knowing that I found it undesirable. But truly, I saw a sad beauty in her weaknesses. But now I am a constant reminder of everything she hates about herself. She's got emotional problems from her childhood as well, such as having to sit a seat back at a funeral of a little girl when she was 7 because she didn't want her mum to see her cry etc. These issues are what cause the drinking, but she says she isn't willing to change her self-destructive behaviour at this stage, and I told her I can probably never accept seeing her like this forever.
But I know we both care deeply about each other and that given the chance we could make it work, if only she let me in completely. And she doesn't have to be alone to get through her fears and pain. She's never learned how to deal with her emotions properly, and has a very cold front that a lot of people take the wrong way.
So, Is she quite simply a coward, and she can only help herself in time and when she's ready? Or do I fight for her and remind her every day that I'm not going anywhere? Do I even believe this or will I just run again eventually?
Hey..reading your hub really hit home some stuff for me. Many of the things you've wrote about describes me to a tee.
"I feel entirely too deeply and care too much about others too fast so in the end what I give is never equal to what I receive."
When I care about others I genuinely would do anything for them but it never feels like a two-way thing. Ive been single for 3 years as firstly I want to be on my own but also because my last relationship lasted 2years and a year of the was me pushing him away and the more he tried with me the more i pushed. I lost a brother in a car accident nearly 7 years ago now. It's like i feel well noone is ever going to understand me or care enough to try so why bother. I was a mess a complete mess for a couple of years not externally because noone would have known that I was feeling so bad but even so all i wanted to do was be alone and cry. Two years ago i became really close with a work colleague. for a year we got on really well and i was able to tell her about how i was feeling and what was getting me down but also at the same time she also made me feel happy again for the first time ever i had a best friend i could trust and enjoy for the good times and bad. She would listen to me,give good advice and just generally be a good friend something i never allowed myself to have because i was always afraid of letting people in. Before when things got me down i would retreat into a shell but i got a newfound sense of whatever would go wrong at least i would have this friend to call on. But recently we havent talked as much we are both pretty busy but Im starting to feel completely alone again. She doesent see that we'v grown apart but when she says something or doesnt say another my over working mind is going what have i done..she doesnt care anymore..etc etc. When i ask her this she thinks im raving. I know theres a couple of reasons for this, I was afraid I was completely depending on her so i tried to pull back. Also I'm afraid to talk to her about any problems because i dont want to annoy her and only recently when she reminded me and i looked back on the past month I shot her down on every attempt she made to ask how i was. I was mad at her for not caring and saying all the right things yet i was hanging up and being extremely rude anytime we spoke-
I was pushing her away and blaming her for it. The thing is I don't mean to do this I wanted to talk to her so badly but why can't I? Even as I am being the way I am I know thats not what I want yet I still act like it. It's like Im afraid to let people know I care. It just makes me think that if this is what I do to the best friend I've ever had how am i going to be able to hold onto any meaningful relationship. I want to find the man of my dreams get married have kids but I know this is never going to be possible while I am like this. I am confident and I don't hate myself or anything but I just want to change for the better and get out of the rut I'm in. Is it even possible to fix this friendship or should I just forget it and learn. I really miss the way it was but I know it is completely down to me for messing things up.
"I expect things from people but don’t voice what these expectations are and when they aren’t met?Viola…an excuse to be angry and beat myself up for getting into a rotten relationship or for trusting anyone at all with my heart; a pure recipe for failure." This is me. I want to change. I think your hub has set me on my way of trying to achieve that and any advice would be appreciated.
Hi, I'm 25. I just recently noticed that I push everybody away. And i'm not just talking about romantic relationships. (that's a whole different story) I honestly didn't even realize that I was doing it. There have been tons of great people in my life that I have been friends with, but they're all gone.
I always have this fear that people want to use me. And that if I don't do what they want there will be some big problem.
The part that struck closest to home was this,
"So, back to the reason I drive people away. I feel entirely too deeply and care too much about others too fast so in the end what I give is never equal to what I receive."
But I don't think that's the only reason. I am also easily disappointed by people as well.
Also I feel ashamed of myself and feel like "escaping" (escaping to where?) and running away and letting everything go.
I feel like I'm trying to prove that nothing matters and life is supposed to be miserable.
Anyway, I'm lonely. I drink everyday. I need to learn how to keep people around. Need to stop drinking everyday.
I've been better about it recently, but I feel like I'm being a fake/imposter and it's draining to be around people at the same time it's energizing because if I'm completely honest, as much as I try to distance myself, I love being around people.
I dunno good luck to everyone I guess.
Wow! A lot of LONG responses! The depth of courage I see in the postings on here amaze me and I will carefully try to respond in kind now.
@ Sonja,
What you are experiencing now is the direct consequence of allowing inner fear to prompt you to push love away when things get too intense. Superficial "love" is palatable to most people but once it becomes personal then talk of needing to "find" oneself takes center stage. You are not lost and nothing about you needs to be found; it is all inside. All you have to do is accept that everyone gets scared, everyone feels pain from time to time and, everyone also tries hard to avoid the inevitable despite the fact that the further they run the more hurt they feel and inflict on others. Stop running...simple solution right? We can only figure out who we are when we stand still and really examine our past choices and experiences. Did anything work? If so, do it again and again. What things failed miserably? Keep a list of those things and label it "THINGS I WILL NEVER DO AGAIN."
Sonja, I say this with the utmost kindness; you are seeing yourself in your current ex because like attracts like, positive or negative. She is mirroring back to you everything she saw, heard or felt you do to her and I truly believe you both have past issues to deal with before either of you can be in a healthy relationship, together or separately. She knows you very well because in a sense, she is you and while you may not be able to connect on a romantic level again you can still be supportive on a human level if she will allow it.
I think your last paragraph says it all: "So, Is she quite simply a coward, and she can only help herself in time and when she's ready? Or do I fight for her and remind her every day that I'm not going anywhere? Do I even believe this or will I just run again eventually?"
Yes, she can only help herself if she wants to (just like you) which pretty much prevents you from getting through to her about your claimed intentions of not leaving. Those types of claims didn’t work on you in the past did they? Trust has been destroyed and from your last sentence I would guess that you don't really trust yourself in this situation either despite what you claim. You both have work to do and I wish all the best for you. I also hope clarity finds you soon…it usually does when we stop searching for it so hard.
@thinker11,
First, I would like to say that I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. When we experience the sudden loss of a loved one it shakes our faith in just about everything because if he could be taken from you like that then what is there to stop other things from being taken from you? It is an aspect of the grieving process and there is no set time limit for moving past such feelings. We move in a forward motion when we have come to terms with our past and put it into perspective. Our life is not the same without the one we lost but, and this is huge, it CAN get better.
It is so hard to show people you care after experiencing such a loss because if you care, you feel and if you feel you can get hurt. Yes, hurt will happen again but that is how we know we are alive and it does not last forever. Pain can help us learn a lot about ourselves and my guess is that what you need to learn is that being truly open with another person also involves risking possible pain. You can't run from it because like I have said before, the more you run the more pain you will experience. You are in pain at the moment correct? So, if pushing people away has not stopped that then why keep doing it?
People can only connect with you when you let them and that involves you coming out of the shell and removing the mask of self protection. Neither is working well for you. You can be open and honest without feeling like you have to vomit your full detailed past all over some poor unsuspecting sucker. Baby steps...like, say, not hanging up or being rude when your friend calls! Given an honest explanation I will always cut people some slack and I think your friend will too. And, as for the finding the "man of my dreams" thing; start by figuring out what your true life dream really is first. Is it to live a full, happy, real-time life that is content and in the moment rather than stuck in the past? If so then you should have no problem attracting the right partner because the "dream" partner isn't what you need.
@david,
Are all the great people that were once in your life really gone or are they just hanging back, waiting for you to make the next sober move? We ALL fear being used, rejected, hurt, embarrassed and on and on. Does it happen? Sometimes, but the odds are also pretty good that is won't so why not at least try? Being hurt is part of being human; it is what we do with the lesson learned from being hurt that shapes how we move through this world. If we move in negative, alcohol clouded patterns then we attract negativity back to us tenfold...that, my friend IS PAIN. Logic tells us that if we adopt a more hopeful and positive attitude toward love, life, friendship and connecting with others then positive energy floats back to us. Kind of warm-and-fuzzy simplistic huh? Well, it is true. Life is simple, we make it hard, solutions are handed to us but we balk at them and declare, "Oh, this is too easy so it can't work?" From one former closed-off, untouchable, emotional pusher to a current one: It does work, trust me, I have seen the light : )
Hey, Many thanks for the response. It was great to actually get some thoughts down that have otherwise before never left my head and getting a reply really helped. Going by this hub, what I once thought was something I dealt with alone I realise now just how many other people feel like this. I hugely admire that you individually give time and interest to these posts so a massive thank you. It has given me hope that I can change some perspectives and help situations that i was needlessly making worse.
In some instances I don't seem to have trouble showing or telling people I care but it's when I don't get that reaction back I get scared and retreat. It always felt like I feel things a lot harder,a lot deeper than the people around me. When I said 'the man of my dreams' I didnt mean that I have this dis illusional view of what he is actually going to be but to find someone who can be my best friend and love unconditionally without these fears and overthinking creeping into that relationship. My life has always been if my family are healthy and happy then I am..so now I'd love to have some time and actually find some happiness for myself also. I'm 23 but feel like I should be a lot older. Anyways for now I am working towards that and again I'm really thankful I came across this page. If you have any suggestions on some books or articles that you think might be of help i would love to know.
Thanks again
I've been reading this blog and a lot of it is similar to what I'm going thru but on the opposite end. I've been in a relationship with a man for over a year and a half. And since right off the bat we had an instant connection and quickly fell into a relationship. And in love.But after three months of dating I noticed first hand thats when things strated to change. I felt like I did more in the relationship as far as compromising my free time ( I'm a single mother). Whenevr I wOuld tell him how I felt he would te me I was overeacting and it's not that way that he loves me a lot and is happy being with me. The next day he would completely disappear and completely shut me off. I. The beginning this would cause a lot of fights because to me it seemed almost as if he was leading me on. I was never sure of what he wanted because one day he loved me was the sweetest guy and the next he was distant and hide himself In His apt by himself. What hurt is that he would tell me that he wAs going out with his friends and if i called him but he would not answer me for 2 days at a time. At first i though maybe he was cheating on me and he didnt love me because how could he if he knew how i was hurting from the mind games but later I found out that really Instead of going out with his boys as he would tell me he would. What he was doing was isolating himself in his apt. Confused and even being a bit insecure myself I asked about his actions I tried to talk openly to him and ask him and he would just say its not a big deal he just sometimes want to be alone it doesn't mean that he didn't love me it's just that he wants to go out with his friends.... I'm not a needy girl and if I persist is only because I'm trying to understNd this man I love who I put my heart into but the fact that he can't be honest and he lies about being with his buddies is something I don't get. He would much rather lie about going out with friends then to say he's home all alone. I know he has a lot of self esteem issues but lately after talking to people I know in similar cases I started thinking he might be bipolar. It wSnt until he started shutting me out completely and then took a turn for the worse when he started saying hurtful things to me to I intentionally hurt me. And then hours later pretended nothing happened and was back to his sweet self. Things would go o. Like this for a while the up and downs and it took a big affect on me as well. I know there is something he's keeping inside and I want him to open up to me because even though I don't know what he's going thru I want to be there for him because it hurts me to see him that way.
So fast. Foward to Xmas eve a fire in his apt broke out and he lost everything. Almost his life burns weren't that bad but he was in his apt ( the cave) sleeping during mid day and didn't smell the smoke. He had massive damage to his lungs and was in the er smoking ward for 2 months on a respirator. I wS there for him even though from all the drugs and medications he was so out of it he didn't remember most of the experience. In The hospital he was going thru a lit and was even attacking the nurses and doctors... I think once he came to they realized that he might not be well In The head and as I suspected but he never confirmed to me about may e being bipolar he was put on a high dose of seroquel.
When he got home from the hospital he stayed with his parents and he would call me everyday and see him whenever he was able to. He seemed content and happy and I too was happy
that he was doing well. One month after he complete stopped taking his medicine instead of weening of as he should have and again I notice the change in him coming back. The telling me he love me one day and the next completely ignoring me. And this would go back and forth. He one day told me and opened up to me that he loved me so much that the only thing that got him thru the trauma he went thru was knowing that I was there for him. He waned to be with me forever and I loved hearing him say thAt... But after everything that's happened already I didn't feel like I can believe it. So we spent 2 weeks straight with each other the longest time ever and it was great. During that time he announces he's leavin to his country to visit family for 2 weeks . He promised to call me as soon as he got there and not once I heard from him. After 1and 1/2 weeks I send him an email telling him how I felt and that I loved him but I couldn't deal with the hurt and if I wasn't making him happy to just let me move on. I was upset that he didn't call me once because even an email or something just to see how I was doing or he was seemed only fair . I didnt want to break up for real But at that point too my own insecurity kicked in and I felt the need to push him away so I can save myself from the pain. I wSnt sure if all this time he was leading me on and I even felt as I should've been
smarter and maybe he really didn't love me all this time... Which really hurt me a lot.... He responded to me saying how he never meant to hurt me and missed me and he'll call me when he gets a chance.... Well he did come back and called to tell me that but started a big hurtful fight to me saying sOme bogus story that I called his mom and hurt her which never even happened.... When I tried to talk to him he completely shut me out and wouldn't even explain to me exactly whT happened ..... I called him and whenever hed answer he say something so mean and hang up and that went on the whole day. He then calls me later on that day to say he's leaving to Bangkok just line that out of the blue and that he never wants to speak to me again. At this point I'm just so hurt Nd confused because I really don't know what triggered that hostility out of nowhere... Was it the email I send while he was away? Did he felt I hurt him in telling him maybe we needed time apart so he felt the need to hurt me... I wrote to him how I felt but not once did I put him down and I was gentle about the letter if anything the letter just stated how hurt I was about all this and even though the bigger part of me doesn't want to move on I'm doing it more because I felt like no matter what I did I didn't make him happy. But the way he spoke to me when he got back was the complete opposite.... It was like dr jelly an ms Hyde and he was doing aNd saying things to intentionally hurt me and drive me away.
I don't know what I'm trying to ask you I'm just real confused because I love this man a lot but he treated me in such a foul way when Ive been there for him so many times... I don't want to be selfish because I know hes been thru a lot but I don't deserve that abuse and if was leading me on why would he say all those thing about live and marriage aNd then change to hating me And never wanting to speak to me again. I know I need to take care of myself first. It took a couple of days of heavy crying but still it's the not knowing what's going on with him disturbs me. I know there's something very wrong with him I just wish I k ww what... I know all he needs time to cool off before I can have a conversation with the real him and not the evil one I encountered a few day back... But what do I tell him... Like I said I love him a lot but deep down I know I can't be his girl not unless he gets some help... But how do I say it to him without letting him feI've been reading this blog and a lot of it is similar to what I'm going thru but on the opposite end. I've been in a relationship with a man for over a year and a half. And since right off the bat we had an instant connection and quickly fell into a relationship. And in love.But after three months of dating I noticed first hand thats when things strated to change. I felt like I did more in the relationship as far as compromising my free time ( I'm a single mother). Whenevr I wOuld tell him how I felt he would te me I was overeacting and it's not that way that he loves me a lot and is happy being with me. The next day he would completely disappear and completely shut me off. I. The beginning this would cause a lot of fights because to me it seemed almost as if he was leading me on. I was never s
Sorry somehow it difficult to edit on a I phone it started repeating what i already wrote towards the end but what I was trying to end this is
But what do I tell him... Like I said I love him a lot but deep down I know I can't be his girl not unless he gets some help... But how do I say it to him without letting him feEl like I'm judging him or putting him down. I know a lot of this is off topic but anyadvice would help a lot... Thank u so much
Wow. I am not alone. My inner voice is always that there is something wrong with me because I know I push people away. One by one, sometimes for good reason because they are not good for me. But sometimes for "good" reasons that are actually overly protective reasons where I basically pick apart in my own mind how this person is not perfect, smothers me, is too needy, etc. ie, human. I at least came to realize this on my own recently and as it hit me I started crying while I was driving, because it was cathartic and felt good to understand WHY. I said out loud to my 11 year old daughter, "Oh my gosh. I know why I do it....Because daddy (my ex, her father) left, and because my father left me when I was little."
I recently pushed away a great man who was crazy about me, who is insecure and needy in his own way so maybe this was a case of a healthy break for me. But I could have slowed the relationship down rather than erect the iron walls in one fell swoop...again. I am better than I used to be. I emailed him and told him I was sorry, that I was scared, that I have walls I have trouble letting down, I really am interested, I like you, etc. No response at all.
My question is: In my learning to be vulnerable and open with people about my true feelings, how do I discern between myself being overwhelming and too needy, and that person just not being healthy enough to handle someone who is trying to be open and honest and vulnerable?
Thank you so much for this page. You have helped me immensely, just knowing I am OK and NORMAL. HUGS TO YOU.
@thinker11,
I could offer all kinds of books that address this issue but the best resource you have is your gut, that feeling of intuition that tells you what is right and prompts you to turn away from negativity. Written resources are great to refer to as a means to explain behavior but it has been my experience that there are a lot of "well read" people out there who only view the materials but seldom put the information to actual work in their lives. Learning to trust your own instincts will be hard but it can be done with time and practice. Focus on your inner strength and you will never go wrong.
@Jeli02,
The most important thing I can tell you is that since you are a mother your child comes first before any relationship with a man. From the detailed response you left I can see that you invested nearly all of yourself in this man. Possibly even putting off one-on-one time with your child just to jump when he asked you to? You may have even done this just because you thought it would make him happy but did it make you happy? The issue of mental illness is a concern, especially since you have expressed his inability or even possible unwillingness to seek long-term psychiatric assistance as well as medication compliance issues. This is not a healthy person to have around your child and this is a person that is not healthy enough to be in a relationship right now. Yes, there is the concern about turning your back on him but again, your child comes first, you come first and if this man creates chaos, pain and worry then you are fully within your rights to refuse to have that in your life. As to what you say to him; the truth is best and keep it short and stick to it. He does need help but you are not his savior, you're job is to be healthy for your child and to set a good example.
@Firecracker1967,
I am going to say this with the utmost respect; if you are only attracting needy and insecure men then you are not ready to be in a relationship yet. Once you decide to end a relationship it is usually because something was wrong or wasn't working. I have yet to hear of anyone who said that they ended a healthy relationship "just because." So, I will impart to you what I learned about myself: when it stopped being about what I thought I needed and became about what I deserved then I knew the difference. The love I feel for myself translates to the love I draw to myself.
I THINK I understand what you're saying. The only part I didn't get was the part about stopping it being about what I need and rather let a relationship be about what I deserve. Aren't they the same?
I agree...I'm not ready. I came to that realization too. Just because I want something doesn't mean I am ready for it. I still feel a little confused on how to get there though....How to get to that healthy place myself.
@Firecracker1967,
It is about slowing down, taking a deep breath and honestly looking at what we "think" we need. Typically the things people tend to stubbornly grasp onto as absolute "needs" end up really just being "wants" which are in no way the same as what we truly deserve. Simplify what is really important to you. Is it making peace with your past? Is it about working towards forgiving yourself in some way? I did both and when I learned that living in the moment and finding contentment meant releasing the negativity of the past then I started to get it. I smiled in spite of past mistakes and realized those mistakes didn’t have to define me or follow me unless I allowed them to. Review, release, relax…try it.
We get to where we deserve to be in life when we let go of misguided "wants" and recognize the existing positive aspects that are already inside of and around us. It is about appreciating the undeveloped and, many times, unnoticed joy within ourselves and building on that. The clearest way I can impart my feeling on the matter is: work from the inside out to create a healthy you.
hey im ashley im only 16 and i and others noticed that I push people away alot not on purpose but I do. And I have this boyfriend which Im in love with but it sometimes feel that he feels the same but he is like a year younger than me so alot of people say he's immature I read alot to see if I can make things work I try to think positive but then negativity gets back in my head and messes up my relationship. I want to know is there some way I can make things work with my boyfriend and family but when I do make things work that I also keep a positive mind I cant lie and Im in tears right now but I really try to be a good girlfriend alot people say I think like a 22 year old I really trying to have a good realtionship and everytime I DO MAKE THINGS WORK i GO BACK to the same ways BUT I TRY NOT TO DO IT ON PURPOSE i really hurting right and it seems like this article is ABOUT ME please just help me in getting this realtionship right I know alot people say move on but I feel that he is a great boyfriend he just dont want to get hurt either that now he's pushing me away PLEASE HELP ME IN MY RELATIONSHIP- it would mean so much to me!
Thank you. This truly helps. Have a blessed weekend.
@Ashley,
No one pushes another person away without a reason. It is not a spontaneous reflex action that you have no control over but one that is triggered by fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of being seen as scared and not at all "mature" or, fear of not measuring up. Whatever it is we try to deny or ignore, it is all based in fear. The best suggestion I can offer is to stop thinking in terms of how you can change to "make things work" and start realizing that maybe they aren't working for a reason. Sometimes doubt comes into our minds as a means of telling us we are making a temporary misstep…simple as that, no need to buy a book.
Love isn't about one person changing just enough to fit into the mold of what they think the other person wants. Mature love is about growing together while still maintaining our individuality and being just as content with the differences as we are with the similarities. That includes open and honest communication rather than assuming you know how he feels (without even asking) and it also means you know the difference between your expectations and those shared between the two of you. If you are the one doing all the worrying, "changing," relationship book reading, or soul searching then resentment will follow, I can guarantee it.
It is normal to feel hurt but please use that feeling as a prompt to really look inward. Look at what you need in a relationship, look at what is just not acceptable to you, look at what you need for yourself period because after all, don't you deserve to feel accepted and safe, not only in your own mind but also with those that have meaning in your life? I can't tell you how to save your relationship because only you know whether it is even worth it to do so.
Ask yourself these questions:
1) How does being in this relationship make me feel about myself? (Not how does this person "make" me feel! It isn't about them but you.)
2) Is my relationship fear related to my own family history or dynamic? Example: Divorce or other family discord.
3)Can you really see yourself with this person in 5 years time, with all the current drama included, or do you want better?
I would hope you would go for the option of loving yourself enough to always choose the best.
thnkz so much its just so hard when you been in this relationship so long and it feels as if you're not appreciated but now I see. thnk yu so much n if yu have any more advice that would also be nice. Thnkz
Hi i just came across this site. I had a sudden revelation today and realised where i was going wrong in life..cause i keep pushing people away. It all started when my partner of 7 years cheated on me and left me for another woman. It was terribly painful..and all happened while i was going through a miscarriage. A while after i met someone else..the love of my life. I constantly ended the relationship, even though i never wanted to be without him. It was always a test to see if he would come back.Which he always did..until eventually he obviously got sick of being dumped and refused to talk to me..and its been a year of not speaking to him, though i still miss him everyday. Now i've just started seeing this new guy. Its been a few months and ive been happy..but then he told me that his ex wasnt over him, and he couldnt tell the world about me yet, until his ex was off his case. Straight away i deleted him off Fb, and told him we should cool it. Which obviously left him very confused. The way i saw it, was he's keeping me a secret he obviously still loves his ex..which many ppl have said to me im being stupid. Now i fear i have pushed him away too much, and i dont wanna lose him. I really need to break his cycle
Thank you so much for your advice. I am young, extremely young, at only 16. I've been having some really rough times lately. I recently came to the conclusion that I have pushed people away from me my entire life and have treated my family badly. My parents got divorced when I was only 8 and was forced to act like an adult. I felt like I was never good enough for my dad because he had cheated on my mom, not just her, his whole family. It seems like after this I have been afraid to love and I'm always on the attack. I make small issues a lot larger than they are an blow them greatly out of proportion while not realizing it. That is my main issue. I go on the attack and start yelling and blowing things up. My best friends as well as my current boyfriend experience this. The only things we ever fight about are small issues that get blown up because i feel attacked. Even though I realize this, I can't stop. I'll tell myself I'm not going to continue with this yet I catch myself doing it five seconds later. I don't know how to handle this.. I'm tired of pushing the people that truly care about me away. It's hurting me deeply.
@zoe,
In order to break the cycle of pushing those we love away you will have to be honest with yourself about what it is you really fear. Do you fear being vulnerable enough to open your heart fully because it would mean you would have to accept that not all men are like your cheating ex? They aren't you know and cannot be held responsible for his mistakes. In a sense you were punishing the new man for the sins of the one that came before him and the on-again-off-again nature of that relationship is a tell tale sign. Testing a man's devotion by hurting him does nothing other than make him want to push you away in exchange...it is a losing situation and could have been avoided with honest and open communication.
Why are people so afraid to just TALK to those they claim to love and never want to be without? Fear is the answer. Now there is a new man in the picture but you haven't come to terms with your own past demons and so his ex is being used as an excuse to doubt him and assume the worst. My suggestion would be to talk with him face-to-face about YOU and what YOU fear rather than doing the passive-aggressive "I'm deleting you from Facebook because you won't post that you are in a relationship with me" thing.
In all honesty, it may be that you need to fly solo for a while until you regain a grasp on who you are, what you need and find a way to trust yourself enough to trust others.
@Katie,
To be able to recognize that you push people away and to sum up the possible reasons why at such a young age is a positive thing. It means you have time and the energy to work toward a change so please do so either by talking with a counselor or finding a teen support group for children of divorce.
When you attack others you are not only hurting them but you are hurting yourself and limiting the wonderful experiences you could have had. By lashing out at others you are effectively saying loud and clear that you don't deserve happiness but you do so start demanding more and stop living your life based on the mistakes made by your father. Your anger at your father needs to be addressed now before you get older and involved with a string of men that are just there to vent at rather than love.
You may do it because you seem to get attached too quickly, but for me, it is intentional. I have been attached far too much, so I force those around me to vacate my presence.
I am the person sitting in the corner of the Final Ball, drinking a soda and laughing at the naiveity of those foolish enough to think that I would give them a chance. Yes, I have been labeled as a "sick bastard", "emotionless freak", and worse things; but I welcome these descriptions as if they were compliments. The fact that some people think of me as such makes me realise that my plan has worked.
I used to cry over what happened to me, but I eventually replaced all of my sadness and sorrow with hate and rage. Directed not at the one that I lost, but at myself, for losing them in the first place. I even contemplated suicide for a while, but decided that it would just be a waste of my time.
Now, I spend my days watching the world pass me by, wondering what I may be like had things gone differently... If I had the chance to change things, however, I am not quite sure that I would. Being the cause of pain and suffering has become an appealing lifestyle.
@R0xas,
Ah, there is no more "may" in my situation because I have no need to create pain for myself and others but I can say that when I was pushing people away it was also very intentional and planned. No one does the same things over and over without a reason or a payoff. My payoff was the self inflicted misery I was drawing my way; the "see I told you I only attract losers" justification when in reality I was drawing to me the mirror image of what I felt about myself inside. When I figured that out I became angry as hell and used that anger to drag myself to a place of peace and contentment for myself, no one else, just me, because I deserved it.
We create our own misery through negative thoughts and actions set on a continuous loop playing over and over in our own heads. No matter how much you mock or feel short lived satisfaction over "causing" pain and suffering for others the negativity will never stop flowing your way until you figure out that you may not be hurting others as much as you think. The true damage is occurring to you because while other people are free to move away from a fire that burns them you just stand in the middle of it emotionally paralyzed. Your hate and rage fuel that fire and while I could say you should work towards letting that go I do not think you are ready to do that yet because they serve as a security blanket of sorts that protects you from feeling.
To get to the point where you want to check out of life is concerning and don't be fooled into thinking that you are in the clear just because you stuffed self hate on top of your true sadness. For now your plan may seem to be working for you but I know, if given the opportunity, you'd chose something different but until then just know I give a damn and thank you for your courage in writing a response. You deserve better, don’t let your negative thoughts tell you otherwise.
medication can solve most of your problems
@tired,
Very sensitive observation there...and quite short sighted. In an effort to be funny you effectively told everyone that has commented to just take a pill and shut up. I can only conclude you were trying to be flippant in your remark but possibly your moniker of “tired” expresses a more depressed demeanor maybe?
Solving "problems" with brain power and determination has lasting power, popping a pill is just a temporary means to help some people cope and to be told that a pill will solve everything is not only insulting it is also a testimony to how arrogantly apathetic people can be to one another.
So, in closing, I could have deleted your comment, since I have that power but, I decided to let it stand for all to see.
Some "friends" are just not friends at all. When I was younger I realized I was too nice, and offered to do certain things just in hopes a friend might like me. Now I am still helpful, but not quite as worried about whether people like me or not. I really have no control over certain things. I have a few real friends, and that is all I really need.
@SweetiePie,
Yes, indeed there are people out there that will take advantage when it is obvious they are in the presence of a "pleaser". That is part of the darker side of human nature and it is my belief that we absolutely do have control over who we draw to us based on how we feel about ourselves.
I am glad you realized that caring more about yourself than pleasing others is the key to drawing good, long lasting friendships into your life. It is a positive feeling knowing, for certain, who will stand by you when you need them. The quality of the friends in your life always mean more than the quantity any day do keep it up and enjoy!
This article sounds as if I wrote it myself. Now of course I understand it but to put it into practice....totally lost. I have pushed everyone away and while in my youth there were plenty of new people to break, I am not surrounded by college mates and such anymore. There is an equal mix of relief and heartbreak when a person gives up on you...pretty much a self fulfilling prophecy.
Only had one romantic relationship and then figured that that's it, all relationships are doomed.
I've had the insight for a long time and made many attempts to change, it helps that I know that others think the same way and that I need not check in to Bellevue! :P
@GuiltyPleasure,
Insight is an amazing tool but it only has power when it is used. Personally, I feel that some of us do have to experience the confusion and pain of pushing people away in order to appreciate what it means to care, be cared for and to be ultimately, human. Kind of like the old saying, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone."
You are holding insight in your hands so don't let it go unused because the only thing that needs to be "broken" is the bad habit of thinking we can survive on an island alone in our misery. You are in no way ready for a trip to the looney bin just because you fear being vulnerable and connecting with others...that can easily be fixed by just reaching out.
I'm glad I found this article. I've always thought that I was the only person who has this 'problem.' Looking at how other people who feels the same makes me feel that I'm not alone. This article is like the story of my life except it's mostly revolves around my friendships.
I keep everything to myself and it's hard for me to reach out to anyone because of the 'what ifs.' I want to change because I hate the way my mind has all this negativity. At the same time I have the fear of rejection. I believe the fear of rejection came out of when I was honest to this girl about how I feel about her and she just wanted to be friends as I thought she did like me but it was just made-up thoughts that was screwing it up.
Lately I have too much free time and of course the problem comes up again and again. I'm fine when I'm preoccupied with other things but I know it won't last. I've been also been only in the mood for talking to one person. This one person: my mind tends to think I like them but also I know I don't actually like them and I'm trying very hard not to fall in a hopeless love. Haha as the internet always says, forever alone.
Wow, so glad I found this site. Maybe you can help me.
I was in a three-and-a-half-year relationship with a man, the first man who was absolutely crazy in love with me -- actually, over the top, in many ways -- very jealous, things moved way too quickly, the sex was the best I've ever had in my life (I'm 55 and have been with many men), and I got swept up in the whole thing. But I had doubts, felt like he wasn't worldly enough, found myself being judgmental. He and I shared so much intimacy and vulnerability, like I've never had with anyone before, but something just always didn't feel quite right. A red flag was a month into the relationship, he got very jealous about a friend who he thought was hitting on me, and got really into an explosive rage, which scared me. He did it again at my house one night when he thought I was emailing with some other guy. Weird stuff. The relationship went on for six or nine months, with me always having doubts, and he finally broke up with me because he didn't want to sit around waiting for me to make up my mind, when he felt I really didn't want to be with him. The truth is by that time, I really didn't, and I was fine after we broke up.
Then we talked a bit, I went back online, he went back online, and then I saw he had a new "friend." To make a long story short on that one, I went ballistic, spent an entire weekend begging him back, and we got back together. All of my friends thought I was crazy, thinking I only wanted him back because he was pursuing something with another woman, but I was convinced I loved him. My friends maybe were right?
Things were awesome for a couple of months, and then my doubts started again. This time, I was afraid to say anything, because I knew he'd flip out. But he felt it.
He ended up breaking up with one day, out of the blue, I talked him back into getting back together, and we did that dance for two and a half years. He broke up with me probably seven or eight times, threatened to many others, and every time I would beg him back. He said that after I had doubts the second time, a piece of him shut down, he felt guarded, and was having a hard time allowing his guard to come down again. I couldn't be myself, because he felt like I was always judging him, even when I wasn't. Every joke he took personally. I was always walking on eggs. He's very emotional, volatile, and has a lot of issues, which added to the drama (I am a drama queen!). So it was this constant come here, go away. He lives an hour from me, in the suburbs, I hate where he lives, he hates where I live, close to the city. I have a daughter, so I couldn't go to his house often, and he had a lot of issues and resentment about that. So he'd be here half the week, hated going back and forth, which added a lot of stress to the relationship. The sex turned from making love to just having sex, which was very painful to me emotionally, and ate away at me, and him too, I'm sure. We tried really hard to make it work, but he just couldn't get back that "feeling." And I continued to have doubts in the back of my mind the whole relationship. Sometimes I would look at him and feel nothing, and wonder what I was doing with him. Sometimes I was totally in love with him. It was a huge rollercoaster ride for both of us.
Last summer, he gave me an engagement ring, which I really didn't understand, as it was right after one of the breakups, and then after that, he really started flipping out, really stressing about the possibility of having to make in with me, didn't want to, and we had a lot of fights.
Then we broke up right after Thanksgiving, rectified that, and then December 1, had a big fight and I gave him back his engagement ring -- or actually, told him I'm leaving the house now, if the ring is gone when I come back, then I know we're over. I can't do this anymore. I went for a mammogram that morning, and found out I had problems with my right breast, flipped out, called him and said I can't go through this alone (it wasn't the first time I had issues with this). I came home to a long email from him, saying he made the biggest mistake of his life taking back the ring, he wanted to be with me mind, body, and soul, etc., etc., so we got back together. Things were good, but I was going through so much stress with the breast issues, and ended up having a bilateral mastectomy in February. Through the whole ordeal, he was partially supportive, and partially flipping out over ridiculous stuff -- example, the night before my mastectomy, he was saying I wonder what it's going to cost me if I have to stay in the hospital all day tomorrow. Really?? I'm getting my breasts cut off, and that's what he's thinking about? Anyway, a month after my mastectomy, after how difficult he was throughout my ordeal, I had enough and said I think we should break up, and I knew he was going to jump at the idea, because I knew he wanted out. But then after, I regretted it, I was scared, and I wanted to get back together, but he was done. That's been the case for the last four and a half months. And I've made a fool of myself, calling him, crying, and he's stood his ground, he's done. Now he's dating someone else, and it's killing me, because I think, did I really have doubts, or did I not accept his love completely?
So I have been really really struggling with did I lose the best thing I ever had? Did I blow it? Or were there too many issues, and were we really incompatible, as he says? I've been a complete mess over this. Please help!
Im 39, my bf is 41. I met him almost 2 yrs ago just as I was starting a relationship with someone else. One day he saw me out jogging and stopped to talks(hes a cop). We ended up chatting and I knew he was interested. Weeks later, the man i was seeing lied to me and I was "crushed". I contacted my police officer friend by email and asked for his opinion. For weeks we talked once in a while and he was very interested...as well as friendly and helpful.He became my best friend and support....and soon, obviously he was jealous and wanted me for himself...thought we could be good together. I had a mulititude of problems with bf at the time, he was more needy than myself(rare) and an alcoholic. My cop friend became my best friend and support. I ended the relationship to be with him. My feelings for him became very strong...but his seemed to be on and off once he had me. SOmetimes it was great but never the same as when he was chasing me. I loved hard, regardless. He became angry alot, over nothing. He was more irritable than i had seen anyone in my life. Our sex life was great and id say thats when he WOULD reveal some feelings. SOmetimes little bits of affection would peak thru but then a day would come he was quiet and moody. Everyone "pissed him off". He couldnt come down from anger easily...it could take a day. He acted sometimes like he didnt care whether i was around. He would let days go by and not contact me but then once he was ready it was like a different person, so bubbly and funny and laughing. I sunk right into him, it felt so good and i felt so wanted. It never lasted. He would dissapear for a day or two...even after months went by. The relationship never seemed to progress. There were also arguements that in two seconds he would blow up and call off the relationship! Then after a day or two the emails would come...sometimes a slight apology, revealing of feelings he wouldnt normally uncover. The emails and texts and phone calls would increase until i gave in and talked to him . Only to happen again! He talks about help being "humiliating", hes a 'failure", a "f-up". He organized counselling during one break so i agreed and we wetn once. Then he bought a book and emailed me daily about what he was learning to save our relationship and what he was working on step by step. He got half way thru and we started seeing each other again. We were doing okay so he never finished it.
He says he doesnt get it, why people would want to be with him, hes not worth it. He understands doing things for others but he doesnt think anyone should for him. He always turns down favours from me and friends or anyone. He wants to spend half his time by himself. He loves to be busy doing tasks for anyone, including me. He immerses himself in TV and learning something new....but he hates to talk about anything emotional, plans, his feelings for me. If i tell him how i feel he says its uncomfortable, has been like that w everyone. He says if he doesnt entertain me I will see the real him and he hasnt anything to offer.
He can be great but very mean to me. When i want to talk about whats bothering me and he doesnt, it turns into a fight. Then he needs time, wants to get away and leaves me crying. He has broke up with me about 15 times and it lasts a day or two.
He spends little time w his family, says he loves them but seems too lazy to call his mom. He was married for 15 yrs and says she took his confidence away because she didnt like sex with him. He still is friends w his wife and took on all of their financial problems so she didnt have to. Its been 4* yrs since hes been divorced....and the girl he dated in between us left him for someone else after a yr(he said she gave him lots of chances). He has a hard time letting go of anyone, i suspect he has feelings for them both....or maybe just insecure and wants to be wanted?
It is frustrating, I feel he doesnt watn to be close. We go on and off because of an arguement that spins out of control. He has stopped saying "its over" so that has improved but he needs days to come down after an emotional fight. He wont hug me or act like he cares, he seems so cold and mean. Why? Am i just as much to blame?
He never talks about the future, I dont feel free to come and go from his place... If i start to call him and love him too much he seems to back away and gives less. He gives and gives the more i back off. please help.
Thank you so much for your article. I discovered it by chance as I was trying to find answers to my recent experience.
I'm in my mid-late 30s, and recently broke up with my 53 year old (never married) boyfriend. Our relationship began with a bang: he is intelligent, funny, extremely self-aware due to years of therapy due to a traumatic childhood and we clicked. I can see his soul is good at the core. Yet slowly the underhanded insults and hurtful comments came. Cleverly disguised at first. He admitted extreme neediness and insecurity. And I was open to accepting him as he is. But it got worse.
On our last call (he was abroad on business), it became untenable. He began having a shouting frustrated tantrum at me because a previous discussion we had in which I opened up alot and told him my heartfelt inner thoughts on certain issues were - as he said - telling him nothing at all important ('You may as well have told me that I love my brother' - that's how insignificant my heartfelt comments were to him). The pain was too much to bear, and I couldn't understand how I was giving and giving, and he was behaving increasingly disrespectfully. I left a note saying that I cared so deeply, but he was destroying my confidence and self-esteem so I had to leave. After weeks of crying for the loss of the good which was buried somewhere inside his dagger-protected heart, today I suddenly had a very deep understanding.
I love him. Yes, I do. But I can't be a victim of that behaviour (UK spelling!).
No more crying. I went for a wonderful swim, had dinner with a friend, and I feel calm. Yes, I know these things are not a big deal - a swim and a meal...I'm still worried I may not marry or have time to fall pregnant. But I have created something - a tiny space of self-respect and self-acceptance and self-love.
The relationship surely says something about me, and I need to wake up about who I attract or put up with and I have to make better choices. I have to know I deserve better treatment. And how does that start? With this little space I have created for myself. This tiny island of inner peace.
I MUST continue to be aware and to change.
Thanks again for your article - it makes me feel supported and that I'm on the right track.
Thank you. For this is exactly how I feel, but have never been able to put it into words.
Elleasku,
I stumbled across your article seeking answers to my relationship problems. I found it very informative, and I really enjoyed reading it. My relationships / friendships haven't been that fulfilling since around three years ago. I was in a very serious relationship with a young woman I knew back in H.S., and she had a beautiful baby girl, whom I loved like she were my own daughter. Unfortunately, my love for the both of them blind-sided me. Our relationship was short lived, about 4-5 months. Toward the end, I had a feeling something wasn't right about her. This all happened through a Facebook incident that made me question her infidelity. I had the courage to talk to her about it, in her response she completely blew me off, that's when our relationship began to change. She became more distant from me, and my concern for the situation became greater. A month of frustration went by, and I wanted to confront her about what was happening to us. Without a second thought she threw in the towel, and left me. I figured giving her some time would work things out, and we could start over again. Three months later I found out she was about 5-6 months pregnant and married to another man, whom I also knew back from H.S. You could imagine how I felt after hearing this news. It was obvious she cheated on me. It hurt me the most to rely on my gut to let me know something was not right. Something like this has never happened to me before, and I was completely devastated. I thought I have moved on since then, but some things still haunt me to this day. I haven't been able to let people in my life since then. I have always find myself pushing people away, or not even giving them a chance. I recently found myself falling head over heals for this amazing girl I met a few months ago. I am trying to test the waters and starting a relationship with her. Trying to trust her is becoming to be a big issue for me. Those feelings of being hurt are starting to creep up on me again. She's a great gal, and she doesn't seem to have any bad qualities at all. I am just always assuming something is going to happen, just like it did in my past. I want to make myself trust, and love again. I just don't know where to begin. Forcing myself is not working very well, I seem to slip here and there. If there is any advice you could give me, I would really appreciate it.
Id like to add, after any fight, any emotional and serious discussion that was at all negative, he dissapears for a day to three days. He says hes exausted. I feel abandoned and so hurt. He calls or texts when hes ready, usually in a whole different frame of mind. IF he doesnt hear from me fairly soon, he contacts me more and more frequently. (Seems to love to be ignored).
He has described feeling hurt and embarrassed later if he breaks down and criesin front of me, saying he didnt want me to see him that way and he doesnt know if he can look me in the eye....he wanted to be strong for me. He believes i will "think the worst of him". If i try to comfort him when he cries (he cries rarely) or when he is angry he wont accept it. He will almost push me away and say its okay, hes fine. There is no turning him back when he is angry either...forget about it. Its like hes in a trance, even if he gets quiet. Its like a different person.
When this happens and he wants to get away from me and i dont hear from him, it hurts and i dont understand it.
I am horribly behind in replying to the latest posts so I do apologize if anyone thought I was ignoring them. Don't get all huffy thinking I'm rejecting you now! ; )
So, let's begin shall we?
@Rhyder, you are definitely not alone (glance at all the responses above you) so take heart. Also, you listed many of the fears emotional pushers use as excuses for why they feel others don’t “connect” the way that they feel they should. Fear of rejection, fear of being vulnerable, embarrassed, so on and so forth. Here is a question you need to ask yourself over and over until you really start understanding that the solution to your dilemma starts with kicking the negative self-talk habit: “If I don’t tell people who I am, how I feel, what I want and what I don’t then how can I ever really expect them to connect with me?” It is unfair to expect much from people if the conversation you could be having with them remains in your head only. I don’t know any mind readers plus, that would just freak me out! So, someone was honest and told you they weren’t romantically interested in you? At least you know now right? No guessing, honest, up front, now you can move on.
My tip for you is this: When the negative thoughts come tell them to shut the hell up because they aren’t accurate and they don’t have to control you. Worked for me ; )
@voicewriter, all I can say is that when a relationship starts out with feelings of doubt rather than anticipation it is usually a sign that things are not right. You knew from the very beginning but it seems there was a struggle between the fear of being alone and the acknowledgment that this man was not right for you at all. I gather from your posting that he is more than likely dealing with not only a passive-aggressive personality disorder but also some other psychological issues and quite frankly, I do not understand why you would want a volatile person in your life despite a self proclaimed drama addiction. In closing, you did not lose the “best” thing but you do need to find yourself pronto! Find out why you feel the need to draw damaged people to you before rekindling anything with this “mismatched love disconnection” or before replacing him with another one just like him. You deserve better so believe it!
@crushed, being with someone who is closed off emotionally, negative and mean to you is settling for less than what you truly deserve isn’t it? Yes, relationships are work and some bad comes with the good but if you feel you have to beg for affection from a man that breaks up with you multiple times as you said then stop the painful cycle and demand better for yourself. I am not saying you should demand any more from him I am saying that you gave it all you had in this relationship and discovered that he has grown as much as he is willing to so the time to move on is now. Love should not hurt and if it does then that is life’s way of telling you some internal work needs to be done on yourself to figure out why you are drawn to tortured, negative men. From all that you have said I am a little worried about this man turning into a stalker or worse should you finally assert yourself with him so please be careful and look out for yourself above all else.
@wakingupnow: You are very welcome and I am thrilled that you have come to realize that how you feel about yourself is directly related to the kind of people you draw to you! Tend to your tiny island of inner peace (love that!) because it is valuable real estate. Yes, you do deserve better so keep up the good work.
@Billy, never stop trusting your gut feelings because they are valuable and usually spot on. Your gut was trying to tell you that your former girlfriend was using you. That became evident and it hurt but the hurt can heal. Now, to the real issue: TRUST. Your ability to trust was broken and while you are working to fix that it seems you are being tempted to judge your new girlfriend based on the sins of a former one and this never works out well. New woman, new start, no going back and applying the faults of others to her or that will doom your relationship from the start. The trust issue is with yourself and not her correct? You fear being hurt again and don’t trust yourself to keep from picking another dud like the last one but in order to find a lasting connection you must let your guard down so that you can find out the important things you need to know about this new woman. This next part is where your gut comes in…I think you know the rest. Good luck.
you are an incredible writer. thank u
@thanks!,
I appreciate that very much and you are so welcome.
Can we be happy on our own. I am 55 my husband has left. I have tried to go back but all the past keeps raising its head and preventing me. He now has his life if order and feel really happy for him but I am still struggling day in day out just to survive. Trying to exercise, work, be happy -very badly. My son sees me sad and I find it difficult to control. I just want no longer to be lonely. Battle through each day. I am lucky I at least have a home. Lovely children. Yet I struggly to be happy. Help !!
hi, im one of your types of people's. :0/ well said, now lets follow instructions. right.
Elleasku,
I have an update on how things are going. I took your advice and opened up a little (baby steps), beginning with Facebook. Since we have some distance between us lately, she wanted to add me on there to keep in touch. I was hesitant about it at first, but then I thought maybe this could be a good way to practice trust. Things were fine at first sending "puppy-love" messages back n forth..lol. Then things began to change, my "fears" became reality, it was like reliving the past again. This is what happened; she started to add more guys as her friends, and hardly any girls. Yes, I did notice it, and didn't think anything of it at first, until one day her wall was littered with a lot of "intimate comments" including her saying, "i love you" among other things. I admit I freaked out about it, and gave myself a few days to cool down about it. When I was ready, I sent her a message explaining how what she is doing bothers me, and how I thought that it was inappropriate behavior for someone who is in a relationship, and that I would never do something like that to her because it would be disrespectful to her if I did. I got a response from her two days later, quote:
"I cannot be with you anymore, this is too hard, there is too much drama in this relationship, and it shouldn't be this way, and sorry for knowing people."
That was all I got, no I didn't write back, at that point my gut was telling me something bad was happening. So I deleted her and haven't spoken to her since. Rejection still hurts, but hey what can ya do right?
All I want to know is what happened? What went wrong? Did I do something? or was I just used for the convenience of being there when no one else was?
@Tired,
You say you tried to "go back" but the past keeps getting in the way and I am not sure what that actually means but I will say that your present day life will not progress until you come to terms with a past that just wasn't working for you.
Your past includes your ex and how you two related to one another. Obviously the marriage was not working and isn't it better to be happy alone than miserable together? Just because your ex appears to be happy while you haven't reached that point yet doesn't mean that you were the cause of all the woe in your marriage or that something is wrong with you. It just means he may have come to terms with the end of your marriage sooner than you and is ready for the next chapter. The end of a marriage must be grieved just like any other loss and each person grieves at a different pace and manner. In order to be happy you first have to recognize what it is in your life that creates stress, pain, fear and sadness. You obviously never dealt with the "cause" in the past and like I said above: You cannot create a contented life in the here and now unless you have addressed, accepted and released the pain of the past.
I don't know your personal history, whether it is one of past depression or simply one of just being in denial about how bad things really were while trying to pretend all was well. This is an important time for you and YES you can create happiness for yourself but it appears you may need some outside assistance from either a therapist or a support group for those recently divorced. There is nothing wrong with that at all! Let your new life be about living in the present rather than the past because you deserve it just as much as your ex does. You have taken the first step so keep moving forward and I wish you all the best in your journey. Live for you now!
@LC, Many people can read instructions printed on a billboard the size of a mountain over and over, year after year and still not follow them. If you recognize what you are doing isn't working and reach out for assistance but then refuse to follow the steps given to improve your life then all I can say is that this is a world of free will and hopefully "our kind" will get it eventually.
@Billy,
First, I am sorry you had this experience but you are surviving it correct? That is just one part of interacting with the opposite sex and part of the risk everyone takes when they invest time and effort in starting a relationship. Sadly, it seems this young woman (I am assuming she is young because she sounds very immature) was more interested in padding her "friend" tally of Facebook than she was in really having a mature relationship with anyone.
It really had nothing to do with you as a person or any imagined "drama" she felt you were causing her but more to do with this woman being rather self centered and insensitive since you surely told her some of your fears. That is taking advantage of a situation plain and simply so deleting her from both your online and real-time life to move on is the healthiest thing you could have done.
No explanation from her will seem reasonable because her first response when questioned was to attack who you are and place blame rather than being considerate of your feelings from the start. This gal sounds like she was enjoying playing the field and did not want to be exclusive so you did the best thing by moving on.
Thank you for putting my mind at ease Elleasku :). You are right, she was young (19), I'm 23 so I knew the age difference was gonna be a factor (I was hoping not). I believe that was the issue all along.
Good day,
yes today is a good day, I came across this blog by accident, yet I feel as if I could have written it...I know a lot of people say this, and even this gives me hope that I am not the only person that thinks the way I do and freaks at the expectations not met because they weren't verbalized... Thank you for giving me the peace of mind.. I have been in counseling a few years a go, my therapist and I had an amazing relationship and he became like a grandfather to me. due to our friendship he shared with me his analysis on me and explained to me that I try and control most of my life with my head, and succeed till an extent, yet when I "trust" all rationality goes out the door and I have these expectations of the story book romance, and not even my head can control my anger and disappointment when it is not met...then I get distant and make rude remarks... my current boyfriend (I wasn't in a relationship for almost 18months due to the fact that I wanted to learn to control it) yet my current boyfriend...was on the receiving end this past week of my rudeness, distant behavior and my silent hours... he admitted that it causes him to doubt our relationship... that he started to doubt if he really wants to put all of him in this if this is going to happen ... I do not wish to end this, (i do not want to run away...) yet I do not want to be clingy or needy and chase him away in such a manner, I try to be my friendly self yet he is very distant and our relationship has taken a knock...thank you for honest and useful advice.
@Lea,
You are very welcome and peace of mind can truly be within your reach if you can only do one thing...let go! Figure out what it really is that you are angry about, what life event created such disappointment that you carry it with you on a daily basis now.
Therapy should have told you that the way we react in relationships now, positively or negatively, directly correlates to whether or not our needs were met by our parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends and so on, in our past. What makes you feel so scared that you must distance yourself from others with cutting remarks and the silent treatment? Emotional pushers are always scared of something whether it is embarrassment, abandonment or even having to feel anything at all. Feeling=potential for hurting and if an emotional pusher can control that factor then they think they are safe. Has this worked in the past? No? Why continue the same pattern when you know you have the power to stop the negative merry-go-round by simply letting go and by just "being". It is enough to just BE in life, no expectations, just living as you were intended to...HUMAN, FEELING, LOVING. See where I am going here?
To be human and vulnerable is a gift that should not be forced back into its box just because it seems too scary. So, Lea, take a chance and let your boyfriend see the real you rather than the stoic image you want him to think you are. His doubts are valid and should be discussed because you can learn more from his perception of you than you ever will from years of therapy but only if you listen with an open mind and learn to love yourself, beautiful flaws and all, with an open heart. He (or anyone else) will love what you love because it comes from a place of pure forgiveness and gratitude about just BEING you
WOW thank you! i thought i was only one for a while. all of my friends all seem so chill and everything, but i feel like i am analyzing everone's emotions and am aware of everyone else. Everytime i start talking to a guy i push them away mostly because i don't think that they are my type. However, i feel like the types of guys i would go out with, usually are not interested in me. And i feel like it is my humor. I am very sarcastic, which i love about myself. but sometimes i feel like I am hiding behind it. Then, with my friends, i don't really respect them and don't consider them my true friends. I once thought that I knew who i was and what my life is, but now i feel lost and secluded in my own world. I push people away, and for some reason I am okay with it and to an extentI am not. I feel so confused. Your words were very enlightening. I think I need to learn to be okay with who I am not care as much about other people. I have tried this, but how can i care less about what other people think of me? thats so difficult! thanks so much for writing this. :)
@beingmyself,
The best reply I can offer is this: Life is really pretty simply until humans decide to crap it up by over-thinking.
So, you brush people aside within 5 seconds of talking to them and then turn around and consider dating guys that "usually aren't interested in me." Your words there, not mine. Isn't that a mixture of counter productivity and masochism? Way to set the bar so high that it chokes you rather than allowing a way to actually jump it. I think you realize the irony in your actions or you wouldn't be confused or questioning your decisions.
You say you feel like you are hiding behind sarcasm, aloofness and so on...you are, trust your feelings on this. The thing you need to figure out is why and what it is that scares you so much about truly being yourself in front of people and WHY you surround yourself with "friends" you don't respect. That is just setting yourself up to fail time and time again and once you decide you deserve better and start cutting yourself some slack then and only then will you attract like minded people you can both respect and love.
It all comes down to caring about yourself enough to realize that accepting less than you deserve in life only leads to more hiding and more pushing people away. As far as caring what others think too much think about it this way...people will either like you or they won't, nether is a bad thing and the ground won't open up and swallow you if you don't get some pinhead loser's approval. Approve of yourself, love yourself, laugh at and with yourself first and the rest will fall in place. Trust me on this.
I have read through just about everything on here and have come to the conclusion that...I need to make a change. Here's my dilemma. I don't have friends, I have aquaintances because to me a friend is someone I can depend on through thick and thin. I don't want an entire group of friends I want one person that I can trust, who can trust me in return and I won't have to worry about them spreading my business around town. I thought at one point I had found that only to find out she had made a friend of a girl here in the office I have known for 2 years. She was invited to her wedding, they chit chat on facebook, they email all day(I'm the boss of our group, girl 1 is in my group, girl 2 is boss of another group) and various other things. I get jealous, I feel left out and I tend to withdraw myself from everyone to make myself feel better. Which only bothers me more because they both are working on their Master's and I haven't even gotten my Associate's yet (I grad in Dec 11), they both are around the same age (I'm older by 6 years) and they both have this 'secret' language that I just don't get. They make jokes, quote movies, etc. and I just feel like a total goob. I have tried and tried to find friends but I always find girls that either want to sleep with me, want to sleep with me and my husband or end up being shady. I don't do drugs, drink maybe a couple of drinks on the weekends, and just don't really have time or patience for the bar scene. Kids, school, hubby, life...it all keeps me going. I am so sad and lonely but scared of not fitting in. I am trying to take all of the advice given here and loving myself...but I'm scared.
@MzD,
I’ll just throw this out there and if it doesn't stick then so be it but, could it be, that the reason you don't have close friends is because you have never befriended the real you yet? Learning how to find, nurture and keep friends starts with you being comfortable with who you really are and has very little to do with how others view you. To hell with that noise anyway because life is too short to worry about petty issues like whether or not Susie thinks your joke was funny or wants you to come to her slumber party! Make your own party MzD.
I will say this until I’m blue in the damn face...when we like, love, accept and feel all friendly towards our own selves then and only then can we attract other like-minded people. You should never have to feel as if you are competing with another person for a friend and if you find yourself in that position then it is time to look inward at the reason WHY. Yes, close friends can create a feeling of support and love but that is only a small part of living in general. The best source of support, inclusion and love comes from within and if you feel "less than" from the get go then odds are you will not attract what you are seeking so you are right, changes are necessary. You are in a tough spot and I empathize because I have been in your shoes. Having said that...it can change and it does improve but the first place to start with change is from within.
Who are you really? What are you interested in? Not just the things you are involved in as a mom, wife, co-worker but what are the things aside from that which make you light up, the things that bring an immediate smile to your face when brought up? It wasn't until I recognized that my dream of writing was the thing that fed my soul did I finally let go of the worry about how others perceived me. I no longer cared if everyone "got" me or understood where I was coming from. They either did or they didn't and neither was within my control so I let the worry go and just concentrated on being who I was placed on the earth to be: A goofy-ass, kind-hearted soul with a dark sense of humor yet also a woman that willing gives a shit in a world where the dog-eat-dog philosophy seems to rule.
Feeling jealous of the accomplishments of others holds you back in many ways but it can also be used as a key to motivate you. If you see others moving forward while you are standing still then the choice to get your ass moving is totally yours. You are in control of your life, you are in control of who you make meaningful relationships with and who you choose to only smile at and say hello to once in a while. The comment about "only" seeming to find girls that just want a carnal relationship that may or may not involve spouse swapping/swinging makes me wonder just where it is you are looking and my advice on this is to try someplace new! If you surround yourself with people that don't share the same world view as you then can you really expect anything positive? It may not be that you can’t make close friends it may just be that you are looking in the wrong place.
I appreciate your feedback and can't thank you enough for the cold hard facts. Sometimes you need to be told from a perfect stranger the real truth before it sinks in. I will tell you that I have started getting up at 5:30am to run, which I love. I also am 7 weeks away from graduating with my Associates and plan on moving right into my Bachelors 2 weeks after graduation. I also have asked my husband for a keyboard for Christmas so I can learn to play the piano and since I love to draw and am going to school to be an animator, I am now drawing as a way to relax. So I have started making changes in my life and I like them.
The one major improvement I have made is to love me. What you said about being who I am regardless of what others think and feel is dead on. I worry too much about others liking me and not enough about me liking me. I am woman, hear me roar dammit! I am a special unique person and if those around me can't see that, then to hell with them...I don't need them in my life.
I do want friends, but I'm not willing to lose myself to gain them. I have started meditating again and looking to change jobs so that I can have a career and love what I do and love me above all. I'm a sassy redhead with flare and attitude, it's high time I stop being dependent on others and look within myself. I have my kids and my husband who I know love me for me...now I do too. :0)
When I am around men I am not interested in I am such a wonderful person, all they do is talk about how lucky the person who has my heart would be. On the flip side when I am with someone I like or who is interested in me I would be totally harsh to that person trying my best to push them away. The thing though is once they finally give up and leave it is then I start chasing behind them for the love the initially offered me and it’s at this point I am hurt because they refuse to give me the chance. I am tired of this behavior now, so tired ,especially now since it is constantly hurting me.
I push people away when I care enough about an issue I think is serious and some one else does not so I always attracted the *losers* who have no hope or unsure and push away those who once cared about me.
I try to talk to people about issues but that's when they turn away from me or if I share my negative feelings that are bottled up inside of me. :(
They wouldn't mind talking about their issues but I could never talk about mine unless I am being sarcastic or trying to have a sense of humor:
I seem to have to be a clown to be noticed until I get angry and then I lose people. It's a one extreme or another. God Damnit!
I am a complete a-hole and am not worthy of universal love but then again life would probably be boring if I could make a solid relationship because there would be no extreme feelings like excitement of the unknown. :( Just a *whatever* feeling.
i always push away guys always at first ill really like them but once i have them idk i start to look at all there defects and i guess i find reasons why not to date them i think iam afraid of commitment since ive never really been in a real relationship ..my backround iwas raised by my mom and grandma.. my father was never really around always in and out of jail due to his gang involvment dont really have a relationship with my father i meen i stil love him but sometimes i think maybe thats why its hard for me to be in a relationship.. theres a really nice guy who i know is good for me but my first instinct is to push him away i know iam going 2 regret this.. please help me what is your perspective??
@symone,
Is it maybe that you crave and enjoy the hype provided by the men you say you aren't interested in so much that when you are around someone you'd like to connect with the reality can't live up to the fairytale you have built up in your head? The other guys talk you up and that feels great but keep in mind that they are trying to sell you something; themselves. You may not be interested in the others but they still serve a purpose to your ego and it is the ego that keeps us from seeing the simple joy of the truly kind and "nice guy" at times because we expect electricity and fireworks instantly. My question to you is this: Are you sure you are being authentically wonderful around your hype boys or is that just in reaction to compliments? If you run hot and cold and go all over the place emotion-wise then my guess would be it's an issue of self esteem. The behavior bothers you so try doing the opposite and see what happens...do it, you may be surprised.
@Kyle,
Snap out of that fatalistic thinking right now! If you are attracting "losers" then take a look inside of yourself and figure out what it is about your current attitude that attracts them. If you typically act like life is shit then shit is what you will get back in return. The term "like attracts like" ain't just a cute slogan, it is true. If you believe you are a "complete a-hole" and unworthy of good things then is it really so surprising that negative, soul-sucking narcissists would flock towards you? You get what you give and if it is draining you emotionally and mentally then take a time-out for awhile and focus on you. Be your own best friend, love yourself enough to expect better because you deserve it.
@GEN,
You answered your own question very clearly. Your father wasn't there for you, he hurt you in the past so now you take your feelings about that and place them on every man you meet. All men are not like your dad so is it really fair to treat them all as if they will all turn out like him? You push men away because you fear getting close enough to care and if you care or, *gasp* LOVE then you may get hurt. That is what makes us human; we care, we love, we get hurt at times but does it kill us? No. You need to come to terms with the trust and fear of being hurt issues that started with your dad ASAP because until you do truly connecting with any man will be impossible.
I push the man away because i was scared...i was unsure...i think too much...i wonder how he can be so sure early on...i do not want to hurt myself but instead end up hurting myself & him. Now he has moved on and is seeing someone. I cannot wish more than another chance with him..why did i only realise how much i like him after i lost him? I cannot kick myself enough. If he comes back, I'll grab him in a second because I do not want to let him go again and feel regrets. Can anyone understand the pain I am experiencing now? He makes me more 'human'..i cried more than i ever did...i understand now that i don't have to be strong always..i feel myself soften instead of always putting on a tough exterior..i now understand what it really means to appreciate whoever comes into yr life instead of taking people and things for granted. He makes me think about settling down...daring to love & let someone loves me in return..I had imagine life with him as his wife and having his babies..things i had never imagined with another man..for now...maybe it's not meant to be...maybe it happened for a reason(that i think is to make me realise things & self discover). I have learnt so much but i do not want to think that it's too late with him..i can only keep praying & wishing & waiting...for another chance with him..while i tell myself to stop crying...now i get these 'crying spells'. One moment I'm ok & the next my tears fell. I keep praying that i don't cry in public. Please God...if you hear me...please give us another chance. I have really learnt my lessons.
@Sleepydreamer,
Your screen name says a lot and I hope this recent occurrence of pushing love away has acted as a wake call! Yes, being scared screwed up your last relationship and now you look back and "wish" for a do-over but reality doesn't always allow this when trust has been shattered. Like it or not, you have hurt another person to the point where they more than likely will not want to risk trusting you again. Wouldn't you react the same way if you were in his shoes? Since this man has dusted himself off and found someone else to start over with it would be highly selfish of you to try to play the "should have-could have-would have" game with him now. Typically, emotionally healthy people do not return to the scene of a romantic disaster so if he has moved on but you haven't then logic would tell you who the healthy one is. Yes, it is painful but a lesson can be learned and I think you realize that.
I say this with great kindness; everything always looks more romantic when we are outside looking in but could it be possible that you needed this lesson more than the man? Take heart, if your goal is to truly become "human", which means you fully feel and give love and are honest about what you do and don't want then this experience can help you on your way. It is unlikely you will get another shot with this man but if you make the changes in yourself and truly have learned your "lesson" then something better will be waiting for you. I have no doubt about this so rather than waiting around moping for a love that wasn't healthy to begin with work toward finding a deep love for yourself because until you do the emotional pushing will continue and the lesson will be lost.
Sorry if im goin off topic but i read your story and loved it so i wanted to share my life story and was hoping To get some advice from you. Well im 21 years old and its so wierd like im so mature for my age as i've been told by older people. I only been in love once and that was 2 years ago..and she treated me like trash yet i didnt want to give up and went and gave her my heart for 2 years .. so since then i havent met anyone i could get along with. Im not the type that goes and runs after girls coz love finds you when you least expect it and love is the only thing that cant be found once looked for it finds you when your ready..But i find my self as im the one who gets pushed away often like all i want to do is love people with all my heart be there for them and care for them .. Yet girls my age dont want that and they end up pushing me away i just dont get it..
I dislike the society We live in nowadays as relationships have turned into a chain of hatered and revenge i mean a girl gets hurt by a boy and then the girl goes and hurts another boy for revenge i find it stupid and i do my best to stay away from that..
I dont get why girls like to be treated so bad and i can never accept a girl who loves me only cause i treat her bad its just wrong.. All i ever do is care for them and trust them i try to bring the good out of everyone yet i hear things like oh dont trust people much boys are all the same etc.. But then again its all these negative thoughts that goes on and corrupts everything and creates that stupid system of hatred because pain breeds yet more pain.. And i dont ever think i want to change i want to stay this way iam, ill let in anyone who wants to be close to me ofcourse ill know ill get hurt but then i dont want to build a shield around my heart and let ppl out i dont want to be weak.. I dont expect to climb up a mountain on the first go i may fall several times but if i fall once and give up saying all mountains are the same then i wont get to enjoy the view id get once im on top.. So i dont know if the way im goin on bout things are correct but i feel good bout it coz im not selfish and i always belive in love and think that love can conquer the world if you let it be.. But i just hope a day will come when everyone will respect one another trust and love one another for who they are coz there are no conditions in love.. When the world turns its back on you , you dont turn your back on it..
Thanks you once again sry if i went off topic thank you..
Ok, here is an update on what is going on in my life. This younger woman was out of my life for a few months now, and I was on the brink of being over her and moving on with my life. Then one evening she texted me and asked how I was doing. I flipped out and decided to be cruel and told her, “When I first met you I thought very highly of you and I was very happy, but now I realize that caring about you was the second biggest mistake of my life.” Yeah I know saying that was terrible and I thought that it would make her mad enough that she would never talk to me again. Boy was I so wrong.
A few days later she called me up from an unknown number asking me why I had said those hateful words. I hung up right away, as it turns out my plan had backfired. For a few evenings after that incident we were fighting by sending text messages back and forth saying how much we hated each other. I was gentler about it, and man I never heard of such a foul mouth girl in my life…lol.
Now I am starting to have problems with her again. Every time she tries to contact me she has the objective of trying to either make me mad or jealous, which I am prone to both. I hate it because it takes me a long time to recover from it. I just don’t know what to do about her. I obviously still have feelings for her, and I shouldn’t, she is just wrong for me as I am for her. So there is my rant..lol.
I do have one question though. Why is it that young women or “girls” try and make their past interests jealous about their own infidelity? I believe that doing so is even more cruel than the general name calling. I would never flaunt that around to my exes something such as that is just a little too personal.
Recently I asked this guy to go to my school's dance. I really liked him and was pretty sure he liked me too. My friends support helped give me the confidence to ask him, but the next day, I lost it all and began to push him away... I pretend to have a lot of confidence in myself on the outside. But just like you have written, I am really insecure on the inside. The thing is, I think that he is also insecure. I have liked him for four years. It's been on and off, but now I am a senior and am tired of waiting.
At my school, a lot of my classmates have called me, "perfect." I am in no way a super popular girl, but a lot of people respect me and find me cute and cool. The guy I like is also called perfect and he has a different group of friends, but we still hang out sometimes. We are both hard to approach at first.. and ever since I asked him, we have both been subtly avoiding each other. I have no idea what to do. Will having better self confidence really help this situation?
I feel like I'm trying to grab at thin air.. and the more I keep pushing him away, the harder it is for me to focus on school and my friends.I want to get closer, but I'm scared of scaring him off... but if I distance myself, he also distances himself. And when I pursue him, lately he has also been distancing himself. I asked a friend of his if I had a good chance, and he said I did. But nothing will happen if the guy I like keeps pushing me away.
I have never pursued anyone in my life, and I just wish I could have a better idea about how he feels about me. But I am terrified of rejection. I am so afraid to fail, that at times, I don't even try.. and at the same time, I know that I'm running out of time, and since I go to a small school, somehow a lot of people know about my feelings...
What can I do?
It's very comforting to know that I am in good company with my dysfunction and that I am not alone.
I am in my early 40's, on the possible brink of divorce number 2 and have had lots of problems over the years with relationships. Like what was posted here way back, I think I give too much of myself (wearing my heart on my sleeve) and details of past and then get upset when either it isn't reciprocated or else that person I shared with hurts me, so I withdraw. I do have a habit of doing that to protect myself. I too was physically and emotionally abused as a child so I know that helps contribute to who I am today but I cannot use that as a crutch to explain away my dysfunctions now.
I am gleaning from the conversations discussed here that I really need to learn to love myself, warts and all before I can expect anybody else to. It's hard getting rejected though so I can understand why I and others here, retreat back into our shells when we feel that has happened. I know I want closeness but I am learning I want it on my terms and conditions only, that which will make me feel comfortable and confident and that really isn't fair to the other person in the relationship.
Once I can learn to get somewhat healthy inside myself, how I view myself, and also changing negative dialogue I do have about and with myself, then I can start dealing with my anger issues and other things that cause me to be unapproachable but yet wanting to be loved for who and what I am. I think we expect things from people that we aren't willing to give ourselves. It's a tough one but I want healing. Anything constructive that can be said to me here is very much appreciated. God bless.
I lost my female friend that I trusted the most. We had argument lately, and she was upset without leaving me an explanation when I asked her why she blocked me from facebook. I tried to solve it, I apologize, but she did not talk and I felt rejected. I just broke up with my boyfriend, three days ago, and I feel it that I tried to do things that I know will push him away.
After the disappointment with my best friend, I find it hard to trust other female friends. I had fear that I would be abandoned again. Now, my father is remarried again, and my step mother showed me that she cared when she saw me ill after my break up. I did not push her away because I felt good about it. I am happy that someone is at home, cook for the family, and that she is harmonious with my dad. I am grateful for my other friends who are supportive, but I push people that I perceive very unsupportive. I can just leave with peace but what I did with my ex was making him hate me more and more. I do not know what to do..
The only person you can count on really is yourself. No one is perfect people will let you down purna. Don't shut yourself in either you make mistakes as well, forgive yourself and forgive others.
I love this quote from the Hub
When someone says they like, love, respect, enjoy you...accept it! If you act like you don't deserve praise and love over and over people will take you seriously and leave. No one wants to invest time in a self-loather. You deserve love and good people deserve to be in your glorious presence! Let them in and believe the compliments they offer dumb-ass.
Love yourself and you can love and be loved by other people. Don't worry so much about what other people think about you. Be yourself, I am sure you are a great girl and a great friend. Stressing about what other people think of you, or what you did or said gives those people power over you. Be strong and have faith in yourself.
Do think about this stuff though....
Were you doing things to irritate your friend and boyfriend because you weren't happy with yourself or because you weren't happy with them or because you don't find that particular behavior annoying and didn't feel like accommodating them.....
Hmmm, I don't know how to start this. I am the person being pushed away. Or pushed out. I have been told and shown all sorts of wonderful things by this other person. She has shown me and given me so much. But then she'll change and start closing the door so to speak. Telling me how horrible she is what an evil witch she is. Those are her words. Other things as well. I haven't let her shut me out. I don't want to loose her. I am in love and find myself really wanting to be there for her. I mean hell, just thinking about her feeling and being this way makes me cry. And I am not one normally for tears. I've told her how I feel, she know's. To some degree I think this is why I am still apart of her life. But I believe it's also why she's pushing so hard. It's not easy, not by any means. We live 3000 kms apart. She's moving back in a few months for school. To finish her degree.I've watched her succeed and fail. And I see that a lot of it is her own doing. Choices she makes. She has a tendency to put herself into BAD situations. And then tell herself she is terrible and deserves this sort of thing. I feel like i'm loosing my train of thought here. This is hard to put into words. All I know is the harder she pushes the more I want to be there for her. I can't say that I haven't felt or at least thought about throwing the towel in. But, honestly I don't want to give up. Not on her. I really do love her and have very deep feelings.She's told me she really, really, really cares for me. And doesn't want to loose me, but then tries to shut me out again. She tells me she can't have a relationship right now. She needs to work on herself. And focus on school. I accept this. I understand that it is a good thing to heal and to focus on studies. And right now I think it would be better for the both of us to not be in a relationship. I really just want to see her succeed and to "win". So to speak. I am in love, I understand I may have to just put that aside and be her friend. I am able to do that. Really I just want the best for her. Even if that isn't me. I don't know, I thought maybe you could offer some advice. Thanks.
What a gift!.....So refreshing to see so many posts and to know I am not alone in this struggle! I thought it was just me!...Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
That was beautiful
Oh, you lovely people! So many queries, comments and affirmations. I love it when you guys talk to one another on here as well because that is the best form of peer support.
I have a LOT of comments to moderate and will answer/comment on each one. Promise! I am just a tad busy right now and will address each one when I have time to do the responses justice. No half-assing around here folks! I will be back.
I'm 42, never married no kids. I was involved in a relationship with a man 3 years ago who from day one would've done anything for me whom I pushed away and didn't trust, for no reason on his part. He tried everything to reassure me he was trustworthy. That I learned. But I totally tore this man apart, I analyzed the crap out of him, doubting things, looking for the negative, and even destoying him by telling him when I was angry that I didn't enjoy any of the good times we had together. I was never sure how I felt about him ever. I was obsessive. There was one thing I didn't like about him and it bothered me and I wasn't sure if I should tolerate it or if it was just me being too sensitive. The way he talked to me at times. It was what I felt was aggressive, dominating. I told him many times about it. He'd get mad at me. I grew defensive because of it. I eventually broke up with him because I knew I had my own issues to take care of but this was the main reason. He the same day, realized in counseling this was a behavior he learned from childhood from dealing with siblings who picked on him.
We both came from troubled homes and neither of us when we met, were going to counseling, and had just began at that time.
After some time apart, I thought we could get back together and work things out. I felt guilty for breaking up with him and hurting him like I did. He didn't want to talk about things, he wanted to hang out as friends and see what happens. That ate at me because I couldn't just sit with that. My emotions and fears were getting the best of me. I wanted to talk. I'd mention something he said that bothered me and he said it was too serious to talk about at that time. We both had unexpressed emotions and needs that were not communicated and the past had not been cleared up and it was coming out sideways, in his attitude towards me and I was aggressive. I even told him that and he would say nothing. So it was a mess.
I just kept trying to hold on in a sense and clear up my end and instead I lost myself totally. I cleared up being aggressive towards him but instead held the anger in. I tried to remain strong and be friends and do things on his terms because I didn't want to let go. I'd get off the phone with him crying. I'd tell all my friends things he'd say and they'd tell me, let him go, he's being disrespectful or being an ass. I somehow either didn't hear them or justified it was becasue he had been hurt and if only we could talk, he'd get a chance to clear that up. I was afraid to loose the chance. I was very needy and desperate and I'm sure he realized it, and I'd start to realize it and then frantically try to fix that too. The more needy, the more he seemed to treat me poorly even as a so called friend.
I did this for two to three years. Until one day he told me we were not freinds, not to contact him anymore. Sounds pathetic. But it didn't end there. I was so upset. I knew on some deep level I should've walked away some time ago and I didn't. And here he was doing it. Here, I never did tell him all the times, even as freinds that he was talking to me like crap and I let him get away with it. I never did speak up all because I wanted that chance to talk and at that time thought, then I'd tell him about how he talks to me. I wrote him an email, told him I was in denial of how he treated me and that he didn't care about how I felt and how he treated me and that it was a gift he walked away. He came back and he said I had allot of balls (his exact words) blaming him. I wasn't blaming him. He never did want to take responsibility for anything that happened between us and at one time, I was willing to take it all on as my fault and I sure did display it that way.
No matter what happened though, I kept going back to him apologizing for my mistakes and botheirng him
This story above, I have recycled over and over again to anyone with two ears and because I keep coming up with different scenarios. I feel so guilty for the things i did wrong and the mistakes I made. If only I would've then I bet we could've. Had I only been blah, blah blah.....And now I'm paranoid I'm going to make these same mistakes with another guy.
Now that I realize I've made so many mistakes, I'm so self-conscious now that I don't feel secure of confident in even attracting a good guy let alone being able to keep one. I keep thinking it's just too hard. Too hard for me to be in a relationship. I make it hard too, look what I did to him at the beginning.
What is it going to take to make me get past all this. I feel so stuck. I cry. I'm miserable.
HELP!!
P.S. Of course there is much more to the story. My ex probably thinks I'm a nut and disrespectful of his boundaries as to not contact him because I sent him letters apologizing for my behavior and wanting to talk. (I got real pathetic)
Part of the reason I keep rethinking about all this is I don't want to move on without learning all my lessons that I don't want to repeat. In a way I think I'm staying stuck and very emotional because of this though. I just want it to end.
I'm up one day down the next. I am insecure and now I'm wondering if I was ever secure in my life? I'm doubting everything about me and judging myself harshly now. Is anything right about me?
Life's a bitch and v all know that. Just like 5 fingers r not the same v all r diff ppl. The trick is to figure out how to put urself in the other person's shoes and try to analyze the pblm. Follow ur heart sometimes cos following ur mind may not work always... my 2 cents
I can relate to what you say but you're so much better than that and you still deserve friends to love you despite of what you think about yourself.
man... reading this was like a slap in the face. i knew i pushed people that were dear to my heart away. and worst of all i never could figure out why... i asked my family, friends, and ex's no one could help me. i found that this was very spirit uplifting to myself. and i Greatly thank u for this. as i have read in some posts this just screams me and i feel as if it is me... but it really gives me things to think about and things to talk to others about. its just so hard when u feel lost all the time. and trying to find who u are when I'm as insecure as i am its very troubling... i just want help and sadly i don't have many friends who can truly help... but thank u soo!! much for this its really helped clear my mind.
Badly need advice, I'v bein dating the most amazing girl i'v ever met we both plan to have are life's together we both know we will because we are so good to one an another but there's down fall to all this my insecurties and trust, She's toke by me even though i'v attempted to break up with 3 time's she's amazing and that's why i'm on here looking for advice but yeah anyways this what has happened, When i was 18 i met this 21 year old with 2 kids 2 different dad's and yeah me being me didnt think anything of it if anything i thought it was going to be just for fun but no it turned out to be more than that. The 2 years we were together i thought i loved her and that she was everything, I supported her and her 2 kid's pretty much did everything for them, We got engaged bout 1 and a half into the relationship thought everything was all good, But all my family and friends were telling me to get away your getting used and stuff but i was like yeah what ever use just idiots. Well it turn's out that she was cheating on me while i was away busting my arse when i was away to support her and her 2 kids and of yeah course we broke up but week later she was pregant with that guys kid yeap pretty messed up. Now that she had done that to me i find it really hard to trust woman i think the worst of everything, I say thing's i shouldnt even say and i know that but i just do it, i get very jealous and very angry. Honestly think of my past has messed up something in my head because i can seem to let go i try so hard but i cant and now its ruining my relationship with my new girl, Just feel so scared to let someone back into my life and than have that happen all over again what do i do?
great read i can relate to all of this and with a a pretty face like that i wouldn't stray :P x
i am a lonely woman at the age of 31 i am a very conscious to myself,and if there is some annoying me i really felt mad,and my day was really awful.specially with this neighbor that really close to our house she do talking loud bad thing about me specially my past relationship with 3 guys in different year and different stories why i broke and why still now i am still single ,and i can't help but to get mad of theme,i felt like they are happy if they saw me mad of theme with my reaction,....sometime when i try to dress a nice and sexy dress,when i pass to their house they just say she act like sexy and pretty !hmmp mother i am much pretty and sexy with her,and then laughing loud..her mother is almost 60 plus and her daughter is 33 and she has 4 kids and all are young...and i don't have kids and no relation for 2 years after my failure of looking my soulmate and that was all a white guy,i really like white guy and i attract to thier looks and dreaming to have white kids too.if they knows that this people soundes are don't like she love it and talking about my past and all the things i have done that i am trying to change it.and also if i have some close people they are trying to talk bad things about and that people now are not close of mine and they are laughing with theme talking bad and makes my really bad,because they know they can do that.it is okay for me if o don't have a friend as long as my family are there.but how can i make my family love and fight for me.if some body heated me?only my family i have now.
hope you can give me advice ....God blessed!
Wow, that is me! I am so happy I have come across this webpage.
It has been extremely useful, thank you! I trust people way too fast and then I put up emotional walls and push them away... Every relationship and even my family members.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason so finding this site today has opened my mind to certain clarity that I didn't have yesterday. I am a former "pusher" as in pushing people away. However have now become a pusher to attack every little problem in my marriage trying to seek perfection which in turn has made me a pusher again. All of my pushing caused my husband to shut down emotionally and completely ignore my requests to work on our issues as small as they were. He is very simple as most men are and just refuses to see the things that bother me or even care. This caused much anger and hurt to build in me to the point where my anger came out in terrible forms of communication or lack there of. My mouth has become like a truck driver and my lashing out on my husband has in turned pushed him away, literally. He ended up leaving 2 weeks ago after a fight and has been staying with his parents. He refuses to talk to me and says he is working on himself and trying to figure out what he wants. I am a strong independant woman however when we got married I changed. I put our marriage first in every aspect that somewhere down the line I lost me. I never thought I was capable of saying the things I have said to him but I guess everyone has a breaking point. I'm usually the bigger person who tries to keep peace but there is only so much hurt I can take. I do not understand why he constantly avoided our issues or ignored them and me. I sometimes think he displays passive agressive behavior in that he makes excuses, ignores, laughs things off as if to intentionally hurt me and break me. In my past I would have never allowed anyone to treat me that way and would just push them away or walk as I knew I deserved better. Over the years of working on me I realized that clear communication was the most important and never expected him to read my mind. My clear communication doesn't even work. If I express myself and my feelings or tell him what I need from him, I still get nothing. And that not only hurts it pisses me off. It's like he wants to just BE and put no effort into us or me. Yet I give and give. At one point in our relationship he cared enough about me to go to counseling. This was before we got married. Since we got married he changed. He says he's just comfortable. I see it as plain old lazy in making a marriage work for both of us. I am no saint and I never will be. I love myself regardless of how much he knocks me down, but it still hurts, makes me angry and sometimes makes me doubt myself (in the moment) but I eventually bounce back. There are things I am now working on for myself, like my foul mouth. I want to fix my marriage however I do not want to do it alone. Nor to I want to bend on everything he wants just to exist in his life. I want equality. I guess I just don't know what to do. I feel like he now bailed on our marriage although he has only said he needs time to figure things out for himself. But he has also said things like he doesn't know if we could ever be happy again or get back what we had. We have only talked maybe 3 times in two weeks as he has cut all communication with me. I've been up and down emotionally over the past two weeks from angry and strong to emotional and weak. Everything we worked so hard for is just in our reach and I'm wondering now if I became a pusher again or if he is a pusher...or maybe we both are. Regardless I know what to do for myself...I just don't know what to do for my marriage. He is the first person after several long relationships and a previous marriage that I've actaully broke down all my walls with and let in completely. He knows my vulnerabilities and my insecurities yet he throws them in my face like they are faults. Is he just that much of a jerk?
I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, but I was searching for some answers and I stumbled on this thread.
I keep searching for faults in everything, worrying about everything and end up spoiling everything..
I've just got in to a new relationship (we've only been dating for a couple of weeks). Everything has been going really great, we're really attracted to each other and she's really lovely. We've already become quite caring and loving towards each other.
But now for some stupid reason I've started to question everything (even though it has not been a problem) and started worrying about it.. For example she goes to church on sundays (I"m not religious at all) - and I worry that because of this she might be too good/nice, and I'm afraid that I may put her off with my offensive behaviour.. Last time we met I saw some wrinkles on her face and I'm worried she's going to age too fast.. I showed a couple of pictures to my friends and they each asked where she'd from because she looks 'black'. I can't see it at all, I don't even think she's very tanned. She has straight hair but my friends say she obviously straightens it. I don't have any fundamental issues with her being black but I'm worried I may see her differently now and start searching for other 'issues' and differences between us to worry about... It's so stupid.. She's so lovely to me, I'm so attracted to her.. Why I am I trying to find all these faults in everything why can't I just enjoy it for what it is? I'm worried that I'll never find 'the one' for me me because it's too perfect and basically impossible and doesn't exist... I wish I could just switch my head off and stop worrying about crap and just enjoy all the good things that are happening around me... I'm sorry if this is the wrong forum for this or if I've offended anyone but I thought it might be worth writing this down incase somebody is able to explain... Thank you very much in advance
I must say i do experience this myself. For a while now i have walked into peoples lives and inspire them, it seams like the more damaged they are, the more attracted to them i am. After a while i feel like a monster taking advantage of someone who is weaker than i am and using them to make myself feel better. To make myself seam better or smarter than i actually am. You speak of human nature, i do believe the nature part of it is mans capacity to do great evil. The only good they are capable of is accidental or sacrificial. Perhaps i do set my goals to high, but does that mean no one is capable of reaching them, not even myself? Maybe i do not alienate myself because other people fail to reach my goals, but because i fail to reach my goals. honestly, this makes me feel like im reading a self help book, which is upsetting.
hi, i met a guy over the net and after 6mnths i told him im in love with him. never seen or met. but within that time we emailed and spoke on msn. hes true person i can tell u that much. but what concerned me was within those 6mnths ther came a point where there was no contact for 3wks, becaus he was studyng working etc, he told me. so i cut down on my mails to provide space. the thing is i got in patient and wrote to him furiously but he replied he needed time to think about us and i know he wasnt sure why i like him so much. he kept saying he doesnt know if he deserves it in the begining. then when i wrote that angry email he said he needed time to think of us and that he was busy. he said he has no doubts i deserve better and he pushed me away b/c he didnt want me to get hurt because of him. then he quoted from my last angry email to end his email in sorry "its not happening for me". why quote what i said. my point was he couldv said he needed time or just say im not what he wants after such long dated emailings. i didnt know he wanted time to think, all i wanted to know is where this was going or where i stand. btw, he said he undesrtnds why i would be mad but he doesnt blame me or him he blames the circumstances?! "all the best!". im hurt and so upset my last email after that was im hurt i am in love no question im old enough to know its not a crush or a phase. i cnt force him but i dont think he understnds why i love him. i never expalined. but he hasnt replied since and neither have i emailed him further. this is the 2nd running no reply. i dont and wont email him untill he does. i feel crap that i have said so much in terms of liking him anyway i wish i never opened my mouth. he said he cant be horrible to me because i have never done anything horrible to him. is he insecure as i am younger than him but well over my mid 20,s! what should i do ;(!!!?????? we,v seen eachothers pics and hes also told me in the last email that he thinks "im pretty so thats not the problem either" THEN WHAT IS THE PROBLEM, THATS WHAT I WANTED TO KNOW! (IM SOBBING)
PS i meant its 2nd wk running no reply.
as for "its not happening for me". i wrote that in my angry mail to him as an eg of what he couldv have said to me. which he used.
i can wait for him i have no issues but he just never said and i didnt clarify.
Thank you. i dont feel like an alien anymore.
@ Cam, is your comment aimed at my post?? didnt get it?
I lack self esteem and can relate to this article. I was ridiculed as a child for being overweight. Now that I am healthy and exercise and take care of myself I am finding that my self image and self worth is severely scarred. I am never good enough for myself and this is projected to anyone i develop a relationship or close friendship with. I attract the losers mentioned above. I get 'taken for a ride', used, swindled, conned, screwed (not in the good way), ridiculed, belittled. Its a never ending cycle which started when I started kindergarten 35 years ago.
I love every word u said,actually the whole article is really about me..I wasn't so..just one experince(marriage ..made me totally changed from soooo patient ,nice, quiet person to be a nervous,sensitive and insecure person ( just in relationships ) as if I got myself in a circle don't wanna anybody get into it. Or simply push them away ..I hate to hurt people i really care for ...I don't have problems in everyday life,my work or with my family thankfully .. everything is better except this feeling
I pose as a strong ,mean woman with men and pushing them away .Am an angel when I feel safe with a man, but seem a devil when I hurted him,but I'm not ,
.just fear of hurting.why we hurt the person we love most !!.hurting others is so disgusting,I hurt him and myself in the meantime...
I have loved reading this. At times I laughed, cried and took pause for the cause *hmmmmmm*.
bit of background for you- suffered from childhood emotional and physical abuse, Dad left at early age, Mother and I never really got along, often betrayed by close friends and so on. I am fully aware the past is the past and I can't change it but have learned and grown from it. I am also aware our past is in some way, still a part of ourselves. When I was between ages 15-22, I suffered from Dysthymia Depression Disorder. Now, at 27, I still have never had a serious long term relationship; more so because I either chose to be single rather than just settle (I'd rather be alone than be with someone and still feel alone) or because I was scared to let someone in. I am described as a 'strong woman' type, attractive, athletic, guarded, a bit high strung, tough but sweet, loyal and selfless...At present, I take medication for anxiety and also work in law enforcement for Domestic Violence... My job is tough, so it leaves little time for myself.
Anyhoo- I recently met a wonderful man straight out of the Navy. He's been through the similar as a child- but more severe, several adoption homes, child abuse and so on. He is younger than me, but so mature and squared away.
So far, we're hitting it off very well, with a few communication blimps, but nothing out of the ordinary. I have slowly opened up to him about my anxiety, inability to trust due to rejection; and although Im a confident woman, I have some insecurities that show/slip through the cracks at times.
I am here, because I want this to work with him. IT is working but I know myself and as the other readers put it, will eventually push him away.
I told him this morning I appreciate how open and honest he is with me, and although I may appear saddened or slightly defensive when he approaches me about some "issues", I told him it's a fear and sometimes, subconsciously, I push people away when I really like them. His sweet-genuine response, "I already told you I like you." So I wonder Why, WHY someone who is so tolerant and accepting of me, do I find a need/reason to try to push him away?? Sometimes I think it's because I want to "challenge" them, see if they can "put up" with me. But I realize we all have pros and cons. In the car, I tell him "Thank you for letting me speak to you about things. It's very hard for me." He thanked me in return for being so open because he sees how reserved and private I am at times. And then he said something interesting, "When you start to date someone seriously, the further along it goes, it becomes more than just skin deep. You really get to know the other person, and that's where things can get scary." I liked this pragmatic/realist approach. My response was, "True. And I think all relationships need above all, a good level of respect and understanding." to which he agreed.
That being said, I am aware I have some faults that can or can't be changed. I am aware I need to stop beating myself up. It's not that I think "Im not good enough" or "not worthy" but "Will he be able to put up with me (this)?" It's interesting when you can be so internally aware as to the damage you are doing to yourself, but for some reason, can't get out of that frame of mind.
I know- that in order for me to have a successful happy relationship, I have to learn to love myself, all of myself (the good, the bad and the ugly). I am a good person, which is what I told him, but just have some kinks I am trying to work out. He understood this.
I am already looking to speak to a psychologist regarding this matter, because he is too wonderful of a man, partner, person to push away do to my "self loathing".
I will sit down tonight and answer these questions you proposed, maybe speak with a close friend.
It's easy to say "love yourself" BUT when you've been so beat down and damaged, it's harder than you think (as you know) to get out of the mind set.
What is the best suggested route to take from here? ANY advice would be most appreciated.
Another straggler here --- 49, just started seeing a real nice guy and from date one, I was so busy putting up my walls and saying how past experiences have shaped the me I am today and well, basically, if people cant handle it - get outta the kitchen... wow! Yeah...
He likes me -- but not only do we have a communication problem, we cant even have sex.... Oh, we get to the point alright, but arent sucessful with pentration & its been almost a year for me since Ive had sex....Top it all off with being post menopausal (2 years)...
Anyway, this guy has A LOT to contend with and already he is ready to throw in the towel -- I'm now back to the 'let's just be friends' until you can figure out the physical issues AND work on your communication skills...
Which frightened the hell outta me and made me feel I was being rejected (I was or wasn't I)....
See -- this guy was married and had a sexless relationship with his wife while also suffering no communication with her... wasnt either of their faults really. And then here I come with all my hang ups and cant have sex to boot! OMG!!!
So when he tried to keep the door open by saying lets be friends until we can (you can) see what remidies are available for your 'problem', I took it as rejection and immediately shut him down and out in an attempt to protect myself from being hurt
BUT I REALLY LIKE THIS CAT and yes, he is good quality stuff....
So how does a basket case like me get a grip and begin communicating effectively without driving him away? It's not like we had an exclusive relationship established -- but I would like to get to that point!!
I just seem to defeat myself over and over again... when I become afraid, I grow hard and it's like all these walls go up immediately...How do I change?? How do I stop pushing people away by my walls and defenses? It like second nature to me so often I dont realize what I have done or said until it is too late...
And if you can make sense of anything I just said --- congratulations to you too!
Dear Readers: I have not abandoned you I am just overloaded with other writing projects and DO read all of your posts but just haven't had the proper time to respond. Lots of hurt out there! Chin up beautiful people, you are valued and heard and I personally want to thank everyone that has had the courage to post on this silly little hub. I was just writing to vent and never thought I could reach people in such a way. Because of you I am taking this hobby and going public with it. Give me a chance to reply to the last few comments that requested a response but in the meantime you can find me at Lucyindaskywithdiamonds.com. Hope that announcement doesn't get me bounced from here but at least you will see what else I do plus those readers aren't as brave as you guys!
I'm so happy that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I'm so sure I'll get hurt if I let anyone in, I try to make them run away so I can be right. Kinda hard to explain, but thanks for writing this :)
I know this article isn't directed towards men, but I have to say I know the feeling.
Here I am, 25, and on the verge of ANOTHER break-up because my pride won't let me accept that the person I am with is flawed. I constantly expect perfection, and ended up in a 2 hour long text fight, with me freaking out on the phone calling the person insecure and practically crazy because they thought I "may be playing them". When in reality I care about this person so deeply I could never cheat on them. My ego tells me, "How dare they accuse you of cheating." and my heart tells me, "Don't let this one go." I am lost confused, and I am tired as hell. Maybe I didn't show them enough affection, maybe I am completely dead emotionally. Still even with the caring in my heart for this person, its sad I can still cut them off and push myself through the emotions of another break up so easily. Like second nature. I am not healthy.
Hello,
I am eighteen and my boyfriend is nineteen we have been together four years now and I recently moved into his family home with him, we are saving for a house together, we talk about marriage and babies. I know him so well and he is a really caring partner and very understanding. We have had a lot of silly arguments but two now where we have almost broken up I know this is me. I feel insecure about things all the time jealous and scared about other girls and just day to day things which make me think on how he feels about me and whether he is still as happy to be with me as he was when we were at school. I know we are at the age where we both have to grow and change but I never felt these things before until probably the first year, before he was silly and jealous but he seems to have grown out of it and I have slipped into the role myself now.
He said he wanted to break up after the last argument we had I feel like i pushed him to that conclusion because he seems confused and upset when i "go on one" about silly things, this time about whether the "spark" had gone in our relationship. I just wish i hadnt brought it up because one thing always leads to another. I know he hates arguments and I think I make him feel like he is always doing something wrong. I know I need to stop as I want to be with him so badly. I know he loves me, so why can i not be satisfied with that? why do I crave constant reassurance from him all the time in the form of arguments? I feel like I should just not mention these feelings to him when I get them, but is that even worst? should I talk to him about this now, so he understands it is not a critism of him when I do this but my own insecurities spilling over. or will another in depth conversation just add to our problems. I feel like I am beggining to make him think we have a bad relationship, like we argue all the time and I am not happy with him. He is always saying "we always have upsets" or " Icant make you happy" he said this time "I think we need to give it a rest". We have made up since this row but I am going crazy thinking of him away from me and thinking that our relationship is bad. What can I do to right this and move on together? I would be so grateful for your help xx
Hannah...I feel like about 5 years ago, I could have wrote exactly what you have just posted. Except for me, by the time I realised I was the real problem, it was too late and I had pushed him away forever. You have a chance to fix this now but if there's one thing I could tell myself then it would be to just step back, relax and appreciate him and all the good things in the relationship. They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone but you have the chance to make things better now. It sounds like you have gotten so settled into your life together but at such a young age. I think you should go back and do all the fun and silly things ye did together when ye began your relationship. Maybe then you might remind yourselves why ye love each other and have stuck together so long. I know the feeling of being together so long you can't imagine a break-up regardless of how bad the arguments or how unhappy you feel, but sometimes that break-up may ultimately be the best thing for both of you. But if you both really want to be together then be honest with how your feeling, but especially change your attitude towards him. If you could imagine yourself without him, then would all those arguments and fights and situations feel as important? For me, everything I ever gave out or complained about him and our relationship seemed so petty and small to me after we had broken up but essentially it was what drove us apart. I'm just a fellow poster on here I have no expert opinion to give or share but when I saw your post I felt to reply. Hope it works out for you. Love him unconditionally for all the things you love about him and yes there is a possibility you will get hurt but there is also the possibility you two can be very happy together. And if you do get hurt? Yeah it will suck for awhile but I promise you it will make you a far stronger person than you'll ever be and it just means there's something bigger and better out there for you. Trust me, I've been there! Good Luck
@Emily,
Hurt happens, you can't hide from it. Letting someone in doesn't mean you will always get hurt but it sure means you are brave enough to try at least! Ask yourself this: Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Pick happy...it starts with figuring out what in the hell it is inside you that causes the pain that makes you so afraid to connect with people.
@Robert,
Why doesn't it apply to men too? Aren't we all human with the same beating heart? Stop and listen to this: The issue isn't with them it's with you. Do you know how I know this? Because the "issue" was me as well so I can speak from authority here. The perfection you are seeking is from yourself and not them. You cannot live up to that ideal and neither can they thus the impass when you realize they aren't PERFECT and therefore can't make you perfect for being with them. You reject them because they don't meet this lofty goal/ideal you have set for yourself. Stop it now! You should not be with anyone at all, period, until you figure out why you feel so much fear about opening up, flaws and all, to another human being. Until you do this and work on healing yourself you cannot be healthy with another person.
@Hannah and thinker11,
Thank you. Hannah, thinker has your answer and I will add this: You are 18, yes, explain how you feel to your boyfriend and do it soon. The quicker you start taking control over your actions, reactions, over-reactions and feelings this easier it will be to handle situations like this. Insecurity is a nasty bitch that will take up residence in your head and stick with you like an unwanted squatter. It will shit on all of your future realtionships (yes, you will have more, this boy isn't IT)unless you forcefully kick it out. The reassurance you need isn't from him, it's from yourself. The love you need doesn't come only from him, it resides in YOU. Do this for yourself first and everything else will fall into place...I promise. I wish I could say you will move on together but quite frankly, I'd rather you move on as the more evolved, awesome version that I just know you can be. Having a man in your life isn't required to do this but having utter and complete love for yourself in your heart and mind does.
@thinker11,
Thank you for stepping up and helping a fellow human in need.
well i tried the steps out, and i realized theres a lot more things i hate and get annoyed at about myself than the things i love about myself, what should i do?
Hello Elleasku, I just came across this website and read your blog and I am in shock and honestly so taken by it that I couldn't stop crying...lol. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others like myself. As well as the others who shared their stories. I now know that I am not alone. I think this blog is two years old but I hope we can still talk about it? I too was a victim of abuse as a child and in my marriage. I had a controlling father, well he still is and I am 37 yrs old. He was abusive and an alcoholic. As an escape from my father I got married when I was 20...so WRONG.That marriage completely destroyed me.. 7 yrs but i finally got out. He was just as abusive..nah even more than my father only that he didn't drink...lol. Took me about 3 yrs to recover, by that I mean lift my self esteem, love myself, value myself, gain back my security. INSECURITY, that is my main problem. There has been moments in my life now that I am fine but sometimes I can't stop the pushing people away, finding excuses, finding flaws in people that most possibly do not even exist in them. I say possibly because I convince myself so much to the point that I can't distinguish it from reality. I am overcome by that "fear" that freaking fear of getting hurt, rejected, feeling not worthy of being loved and negative thoughts that I won't find happiness or I won't find the right person. One phrase that runs in my mind over and over again, "no something wrong will happen it will not work out eventually it will all be over. Of course I will be the one to cause something wrong. Typically, my thoughts afterwards would be "he would leave me so why not push him away now so it won't happen!" I remember you saying something, people like us over think everything, form every word, facial expression to even silence....SO TRUE! That actually made me cry again....lol. and that we are are our worst enemies...WOW! Yes, It drives me mad and yes I will repeat from now on "It's never as bad as I imagine it to be. It like a constant struggle with my mind those... NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!I soon will reach forty and I don't want to get to that point were I regret the self- loathing and the pushing away of good loving people.
Hey.
I am glad to know that I not the only one out there. I tend to overthink every little situation and make a mess out of any relationship I am in. It ends up in me having to think that I have to eject out of the relationship, thus hurting the other person, but more importantly, falling into misery with my emotions to the extent where I can't really function on a daily basis. It's a vicious cycle and I tend to do it a lot.
I am pretty sure I have found someone great recently. But my insecurities always make me realise something that isn't really there on the surface, and therefore driving the person away. I have now done this about 7 or 8 times, and I think I have finally driven her away for good.
The sad thing is, I just wanted to be there for her emotionally and I am pretty sure I understood her more than anyone right now. But I guess when it is too much, it is too much.
Now all that I have is regret, knowing I could have passed up on an opportunity to be genuinly happy with this person, which I was, when my own mind wasn't in overdrive. I guess you learn to live, and live to learn...
I hope I can change one day, so that I don't pass up any other great people in my life. I hope that she finds someone great and that she is happy.
@Mike,
There is a saying that ONE good, positive thing in a person's life outweighs TWENTY negative things. Do you hate certain things about yourself because it's too hard to own up to them or face these demons? When things appear too hard people tend to just throw their hands up and say, "Oh, well, it's too hard and I have too many things wrong with me so I'm just giving up!" I hope this isn't the case so my best suggestion is this: If you can find access to individual therapy then do it. If you can't then seek out free support groups in your area. Without more information this is the best I've got but you must, must, must put your personal welfare first.
I've always figured I was messed up in the head or something. I'm a 17 year old guy and i can't seem to let girls close. I work so damn hard to get a girlfriend and the first few weeks is always awesome but after that I can't get them far enough away. I've always been very insecure about myself and never really felt worthy I guess. I want someone to actually care about me as a person but the thought of allowing a girl into my inner workings terrifies me.
Thank you thinker 11 and elleasku. I am glad I put my feelings down here to be read, just writing them out made me feel better. However I know he is IT for me. I know we are young and you may think im silly and in love but we have been together long enough to know it is good between us. Our relationship doesnt consist of only arguments and I know I need to overcome my insecurities. I feel this is part of growing up though, and quite natural. It is also part of growing up together, which is not easy and requires hard work. Poeple change over time especially from child to adult this is a hard enough transition to deal with yourself, nevermind when you are in a couple. But He is not just a boy, and I dont think our relationship should be belittled because we are young. I will work on myself as well as US but in the long run Thinker11 is right I should focus on the great person I have and all the things we do together which matter and make us both happy. I hope everyone else who experiences these feelings will move forward in the right direction and find peace with themselves and their partners xxx
Hi everyone :),
Reading everyones posts have really helped me to understand a little bit more of why I happened to google what I did and came to this site first. I'm glad I'm not the only one that seems to have these sort of problems...I always felt sort of alone when it came to this because not many people get it. What I had googled was "Why am I so afraid of getting hurt that I push everyone that matters away". I've been trying to figure this out for quite awhile. I've met a man that makes me feel so good in every way and I'm truly happy with him but I always find the littlest things to confront him about or start an argument over. Like if he's not showing enough affection or if he's talking to another woman more often. The big one was when he told one of his good friends (that is a woman) that she looked beautiful in the dress she had on. I'm not sure if this is jealousy or if I'm getting angry over these things for some other stupid reason. I know I have a lot of insecurities and he knows this as well & has been trying to get me to break free from them but I just don't know how to. I feel like eventually he'll just get sick of it and leave, anybody would really no matter how much you love someone. Then I find myself thinking about how much I love him and want to be with him and it literally scares me to the point where I just want to break it off because I can't imagine getting hurt by him, so if I leave...it wouldn't hurt as bad I guess. I don't want to be scared because I want to be able to experience what life has to offer me but I do it everytime. Find simple things to fight about to either get them to leave me or give me a reason to leave them, even if I don't want to. I just want it to stop but I'm so clueless on how to overcome this. I'm a very beautiful, confident and loving person that wants to give someone the world but deep down I'm so afraid of not being good enough and that everyone will see this eventually and find something better, which leaves me alone and hurt. I know this has a lot to do with my childhood but I want to forget all of it, let go and become the person I want to be. Someone who isn't afraid to love or be loved even with the risk of being hurt. If anyone has any advice or has gone through the same thing and can help at all...please do. I'm so lost and confused. I just want to be "normal" ya know? Not worry so much about being hurt that I push the man that I love more than anything away from me.
I'm the one that keeps getting pushed my girlfriend acts as if I don't exist to her whenshe has friends over or when were just during around the house watching TV the only time I get acknowledgment is when we are in bed and she wants to have have sex and don't get me wrong I Love sex we go a few times a night but I want more out of my relationship than just sex..but that's the only thing good we have good in our relationship...so is there something I can do to save my relationship or is it done
Michelle 2 years ago
WOW ! That was very constructive, I love the humour that you incorporated in the absolute raw truth as to why people who are insecure and such, push people away.
Thank you for the raw truth, it has helped me.